If there's anything all those country love songs lament about, it's cheating. It's practically a cliché - country song, cheating... cheating... well you get the picture.
With the sheer number of cheating songs out there, one could develop the suspicion that maybe cheating does happen more often than we think.
Based on statistics, up to 75% of relationships will be tainted by unfaithfulness at one point or the other; and in 60% of these, the offended partner will not even know it's going on.
This might seem alarming but it's true and you know it. You probably know someone in your immediate circle of friends and family that's been unfaithful. Heck, you may have considered the thought at times.
But, before you become a love song casualty, is there anything you can do to cheat-proof your relationship?
Of course, there are no guarantees. What we hope to do, however, is to arm you and your partner with enough information, strategies and insights for you to actually make yourselves and your relationship STRONG enough to resist the temptation to cheat.
Read that statement again. It's saying what you think it is. The power to cheat-proof your relationship lies in how you and your partner can put in the effort to make whole, healthy, mature individuals in a whole, healthy, mature relationship.
And building this type of relationship requires information, strategies and insights that would change your attitudes towards each other and relationships in general. There, I've given the secret away.
Let's take it one element at a time.
INFORMATION
Many people think that if someone cheats in a relationship, they are born cheaters. Actually, this is not necessarily true. Sure there are those with chronic, psychological problems but those already require professional, clinical help and are beyond the scope of this newsletter.
In the everyday, run-of-the-mill marriage or relationship cheating is the product of a complex set of factors.
It could be partly behavioral - something from an individual's childhood, even social conditioning (i.e. it's there, you're a guy, take advantage) - but also, more often, a symptom of problems in the relationship.
Men and women also approach cheating differently. Men sometimes cheat because they are not getting sex at home or as avoidance of even bigger problems with their marriage. Women tend to cheat because they want to feel loved, valued and supported.
To begin cheat-proofing your relationship you have to arm yourself with this information. Know why people cheat in general and find out if these conditions could be present in your relationship.
It is important that hand in hand with this you get to know yourself very well.
Why would you do the things you do? What tendencies show up in your behavior?
Additionally, get to know your partner intimately - what are his or her motivations? Attitudes? Tendencies? What factors influence his or her behavior?
All in all, remember this: What you know, you can understand. What you understand, you can choose to keep or choose to change.
ATTITUDES
As you get to know yourself and your partner, take note of the negative attitudes that can actually trigger rather than hinder infidelity in your marriage. Studies have found that there are 2 most common negative attitudes: Jealousy and Perfectionism.
If you pay attention to these 2 attitudes, you'll discover that they both stem from insecurities and lack of self-esteem within OURSELVES. They are not products of our relationship. And, usually, our partner is not even to blame for what is lacking.
We view the world from a hazy perspective. With unwarranted jealousy, something in us fails to trust and always feels that our partner prefers someone else over us.
With perfectionism, we expect that our relationship will be the best it can ever be - placing undue expectations on it and on our partner that, realistically, they can never deliver. After all, in an imperfect world, you can only expect so much.
Become intimately acquainted with these two negative attitudes. Do you have one or the other? Do you find yourself reacting to your partner with these leading the way?
If so, STOP. As you get to know yourself, you have the opportunity to CHANGE yourself. It will only be for your own good and for the good of your relationship that you evolve into a positive, happy secure person.
STRATEGIES
Information, getting to know yourself and your partner... what are these for? Perhaps you fail to remember that the key words here are "cheat-proofing" and "relationship". You already have some background, now we expand on the how.
The only way to go about it could be summed up in this way. Make your relationship a QUALITY relationship. Make your relationship with your partner such a precious and valuable part of your life that cheating will no longer be an issue.
In the same way that you try to improve yourself, improve your relationship as well. You can begin with the simple and yet meaningful proposition: It's not just about you it's about your partner too.
Supporting, listening, understanding and being there for your partner are non-negotiables. Being there for each other demands a balance between improving yourself daily and looking out for the welfare of the other.
This includes keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you, developing the right communication tools necessary to remain honest and sincere with one another.
This requires prioritizing your relationship above your other social or familial obligations - which means you put your partner first - even above your children.
This means keeping all the aspects of your relationship intact and GROWING - intimacy, friendship, passion, companionship, respect, reverence. This means quality time and dates, loving acts and honest discussions.
Slacking off could mean growing apart, growing apart could mean allowing a third person to get in the way.
On the other hand, trying too hard may revert you to the old diseases of jealousy and perfectionism. This is why in maintaining your balance; you also have to keep your independence. It's ok to have some space and time apart. In fact, you will even appreciate each other more for it.
Giving each other the breathing room allows you to recharge your batteries and even continue with your work of self-improvement - which, as I said, would only prove beneficial for your relationship.
As we mentioned previously, there are no guarantees. Realistically speaking, however, we hope that these suggestions will give you and your marriage a fighting chance.
Of course, these are nothing without EFFORT. Cheat-proofing your relationship may not be easy but we know that it may just be WORTH IT.
Showing posts with label improve marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label improve marriage. Show all posts
The Importance of Individual vs Couple Time
A well-balanced marriage is vital in keeping a couple happy and focused. To get this done, some might think that each partner needs to do their own thing.
Others stress the importance of setting aside time for exclusive dates instead. Actually, both measures are helpful to the growth of your marriage.
However, you can't do just either one - a couple needs to have time apart and time together to round out their relationship.
Like we said, it's about keeping things balanced to maintain the growth of each partner involved. It also prolongs the life of the marriage. You need to do both things for a number of valid reasons.
Ask any couple, and they'll tell you that their marriage is hardly perfect. You'll probably get an earful about how much work it takes to keep the machinery running, so to speak. While that's a valid point, all work and no play presents more risks than you might think.
When it comes to the individual partner, he/she needs time to unwind from the routine of daily responsibilities. Any type of work requires the occasional break, and being a spouse and a parent is no different.
While the spirit might be willing, your mind and body can only go so far without some rest in between.
Never forget the physical component of your being. Who we are inside may be the most important thing, but none of us can deny the reality that our bodies need rest.
Repeated stress injury isn't limited to spending too much time in front of a computer. It can also extend to the daily routine of work, running errands and looking after the kids.
Thus, taking time off puts a nice little break in your regular schedule and helps preserve good judgment and sanity. There's no guilt to be found in wanting to be alone from time to time.
It's simply acknowledging the basic need to find yourself after getting caught up in your everyday tasks. It's very easy to forget about your own needs when you've got so much on your mind.
You might think that with so much to do, there's simply no time for anything else. Yet, you are the one responsible for your affairs, so it's up to you to MAKE time to decompress.
Schedule a little break after the kids have gone off to bed, or maybe if you have a free hour to burn before your partner gets home at night.
It's your schedule, so you're the best person to know when you can squeeze in a short intermission from your full-time role in the family. Find something you like and do it when time permits.
Take a 45-minute bike ride around the neighborhood, read that magazine or book you've been dying to finish, pour a glass of wine and listen to a favorite album, or sweat out your stress through one of those Pilates home videos.
Think of anything that interests you greatly and devote a brief but regular amount of time to do it everyday. The point is to take your mind off the things you have to deal with on a daily basis.
Stress can quietly sneak its way into anyone, and before you know it, you're burned out and can't function enough to do anything productive.
This is the importance of finding an outlet. Like it or not, stress accumulates and the time will come when something has to give. Don't let it be your patience or your health.
Can you really be a good spouse or parent with bloodshot eyes and a brain that's been reduced to mush?
Without a chance to rest, your thoughts will dull out and it won't take much for you to snap at the people you love.
A refreshed spouse is a happy spouse. Sometimes, stepping back and doing some introspection is important in revitalizing yourself.
On the other hand, special alone time as a couple is equally important. The chances of marital burnout are greater than you think.
Even if you might not feel it now, never underestimate the importance of prevention. The habit of keeping something from breaking down is less stressful than fixing it.
In a nutshell, making time for each other allows you to reconnect with your partner on an emotional and physical level. It's absolutely necessary to remember how you were as a couple before you started taking care of the kids, the household chores and the bills.
It's easy to forget the reasons why you signed up for better or worse. It's even easier to lose sight of all the wonderful things that you first saw in each other.
Getting away together for a date (or an out-of-town vacation, budget permitting) helps you renew your enthusiasm in being dedicated to your relationship.
It's useful in remembering the special little qualities which endeared you to one another. In short, some retrospect helps clear up the murkiness of the present.
Somewhere along the way, a couple can easily deprive themselves of the love which they first built their marriage on. Of course, effective communication is a must, but blowing off some steam together won't hurt at all.
Think something along the lines of a shared activity like sports if you're into that kind of thing, or just some time to collectively NOT think about the things eating away at your peace of mind.
It doesn't necessarily solve whatever issues you have to deal with afterwards, but it renews your strength to do so.
Lastly, this two-step de-stressing strategy also keeps a marriage from falling into infidelity. It might be hard to relate cheating to spending time together, but there is a connection.
Look at it this way: if you don't find a way to keep your stress level down, the resentment is bound to build up.
It's a natural part of being married. You will inevitably run into some differences in the way each of you approach issues, and too much built-up hostility can eventually drive you away from each other.
It's not a far-off possibility for either one of you to seek love elsewhere. That's exactly why you need to keep that "falling in love" part of your relationship alive, no matter what stage it's at.
The lust stage may have passed in your relationship, but it doesn't mean that you should stop making an effort to connect with one another.
It's perfectly normal (and expected even) for the tides in a marriage to change over time. One moment, you're head over heels and then suddenly you're arguing over the direction of your relationship.
It happens to all couples, but not all couples find the time to rediscover one another. That makes a huge difference between staying faithful - and otherwise.
As far as the big picture is concerned, keeping a marriage in good shape requires you to channel your stress on both levels: as individuals and as a couple.
Before you allow your stress to build up, consider the many ways you can both work on reframing your stress and finding ways to overcome it.
A problem shared is a problem halved. And it all takes you one step closer to your goal of greater marital unity.
Others stress the importance of setting aside time for exclusive dates instead. Actually, both measures are helpful to the growth of your marriage.
However, you can't do just either one - a couple needs to have time apart and time together to round out their relationship.
Like we said, it's about keeping things balanced to maintain the growth of each partner involved. It also prolongs the life of the marriage. You need to do both things for a number of valid reasons.
Ask any couple, and they'll tell you that their marriage is hardly perfect. You'll probably get an earful about how much work it takes to keep the machinery running, so to speak. While that's a valid point, all work and no play presents more risks than you might think.
When it comes to the individual partner, he/she needs time to unwind from the routine of daily responsibilities. Any type of work requires the occasional break, and being a spouse and a parent is no different.
While the spirit might be willing, your mind and body can only go so far without some rest in between.
Never forget the physical component of your being. Who we are inside may be the most important thing, but none of us can deny the reality that our bodies need rest.
Repeated stress injury isn't limited to spending too much time in front of a computer. It can also extend to the daily routine of work, running errands and looking after the kids.
Thus, taking time off puts a nice little break in your regular schedule and helps preserve good judgment and sanity. There's no guilt to be found in wanting to be alone from time to time.
It's simply acknowledging the basic need to find yourself after getting caught up in your everyday tasks. It's very easy to forget about your own needs when you've got so much on your mind.
You might think that with so much to do, there's simply no time for anything else. Yet, you are the one responsible for your affairs, so it's up to you to MAKE time to decompress.
Schedule a little break after the kids have gone off to bed, or maybe if you have a free hour to burn before your partner gets home at night.
It's your schedule, so you're the best person to know when you can squeeze in a short intermission from your full-time role in the family. Find something you like and do it when time permits.
Take a 45-minute bike ride around the neighborhood, read that magazine or book you've been dying to finish, pour a glass of wine and listen to a favorite album, or sweat out your stress through one of those Pilates home videos.
Think of anything that interests you greatly and devote a brief but regular amount of time to do it everyday. The point is to take your mind off the things you have to deal with on a daily basis.
Stress can quietly sneak its way into anyone, and before you know it, you're burned out and can't function enough to do anything productive.
This is the importance of finding an outlet. Like it or not, stress accumulates and the time will come when something has to give. Don't let it be your patience or your health.
Can you really be a good spouse or parent with bloodshot eyes and a brain that's been reduced to mush?
Without a chance to rest, your thoughts will dull out and it won't take much for you to snap at the people you love.
A refreshed spouse is a happy spouse. Sometimes, stepping back and doing some introspection is important in revitalizing yourself.
On the other hand, special alone time as a couple is equally important. The chances of marital burnout are greater than you think.
Even if you might not feel it now, never underestimate the importance of prevention. The habit of keeping something from breaking down is less stressful than fixing it.
In a nutshell, making time for each other allows you to reconnect with your partner on an emotional and physical level. It's absolutely necessary to remember how you were as a couple before you started taking care of the kids, the household chores and the bills.
It's easy to forget the reasons why you signed up for better or worse. It's even easier to lose sight of all the wonderful things that you first saw in each other.
Getting away together for a date (or an out-of-town vacation, budget permitting) helps you renew your enthusiasm in being dedicated to your relationship.
It's useful in remembering the special little qualities which endeared you to one another. In short, some retrospect helps clear up the murkiness of the present.
Somewhere along the way, a couple can easily deprive themselves of the love which they first built their marriage on. Of course, effective communication is a must, but blowing off some steam together won't hurt at all.
Think something along the lines of a shared activity like sports if you're into that kind of thing, or just some time to collectively NOT think about the things eating away at your peace of mind.
It doesn't necessarily solve whatever issues you have to deal with afterwards, but it renews your strength to do so.
Lastly, this two-step de-stressing strategy also keeps a marriage from falling into infidelity. It might be hard to relate cheating to spending time together, but there is a connection.
Look at it this way: if you don't find a way to keep your stress level down, the resentment is bound to build up.
It's a natural part of being married. You will inevitably run into some differences in the way each of you approach issues, and too much built-up hostility can eventually drive you away from each other.
It's not a far-off possibility for either one of you to seek love elsewhere. That's exactly why you need to keep that "falling in love" part of your relationship alive, no matter what stage it's at.
The lust stage may have passed in your relationship, but it doesn't mean that you should stop making an effort to connect with one another.
It's perfectly normal (and expected even) for the tides in a marriage to change over time. One moment, you're head over heels and then suddenly you're arguing over the direction of your relationship.
It happens to all couples, but not all couples find the time to rediscover one another. That makes a huge difference between staying faithful - and otherwise.
As far as the big picture is concerned, keeping a marriage in good shape requires you to channel your stress on both levels: as individuals and as a couple.
Before you allow your stress to build up, consider the many ways you can both work on reframing your stress and finding ways to overcome it.
A problem shared is a problem halved. And it all takes you one step closer to your goal of greater marital unity.
It's never too late to make an effort
When I hear from customers about their particular marital problems, there are a number of issues that all of these couples have in common. Apart from the usual reduction in sexual intimacy, when I ask customers how long it has been since they went on a date or went away for the weekend, I am usually greeted with a blank stare.
For many customers, it could be anywhere between a year or 18 months since they last had a break or even a date. When I use the term "date", I mean an evening out specifically with the purpose of spending quality time together. Family dinners or nights out with friends don't count, and actually sitting down and calculating how long it has been since the last date or break away as a couple can be a very sobering thought.
Even myself when I sat down and had a think, made me realize that it had been several months since me and my partner had done anything that fitted the criteria of a date or a break.
It may not be intentional, but often weeks can turn into months, and months turn into seasons, and you fall into the trap of spending so much of your time doing the day-to-day things in your marriage, you lose perspective of what is really important. Do you think on the day that you got married when you imagined what your marriage was going to be like that it would be like this? Or like me, did you have visions of weekends away together, driving out in the countryside, attending parties and functions as man and wife, and growing old together doing the things you love?
So what happened to that image?
Jobs, demands on your time, children, family commitments, budget constraints and the daily stresses of life soon got in the way of the image of the perfect relationship, and we resigned ourselves to the fact that it was simply a dream.
It doesn't have to be that way.
Making the effort to go out on a date or go away for a weekend doesn't have to cost a lot of money, and it doesn't have to involve huge amounts of time. If you put as much effort into your relationship as you do into your friends, children, pets, or sporting commitments, the time to do these things would simply be there. If you want a night out or a weekend badly enough, there are most often very simple ways to make it happen. Send your children to their grandparents for the night or a weekend. Send them to stay with friends.
A date could even be something as simple as a pizza in a park or a walk on the beach. A weekend away could be as simple as locking the doors and renting DVDs and pampering each other with baths and massages. It can be as simple or as elaborate as you choose to make it. I recently hired a house for a couple of nights up in the mountains and spent a weekend either sleeping, watching movies, or walking together and eating special food. I was surprised how cheap it was and how little effort it involved in putting it all together.
A good life and a good marriage is not measured by minutes, hours, and days, but by special moments and special memories spent together. If it has been too long since your last special memory, make a commitment today to creating one. One small effort might make all the difference.
For many customers, it could be anywhere between a year or 18 months since they last had a break or even a date. When I use the term "date", I mean an evening out specifically with the purpose of spending quality time together. Family dinners or nights out with friends don't count, and actually sitting down and calculating how long it has been since the last date or break away as a couple can be a very sobering thought.
Even myself when I sat down and had a think, made me realize that it had been several months since me and my partner had done anything that fitted the criteria of a date or a break.
It may not be intentional, but often weeks can turn into months, and months turn into seasons, and you fall into the trap of spending so much of your time doing the day-to-day things in your marriage, you lose perspective of what is really important. Do you think on the day that you got married when you imagined what your marriage was going to be like that it would be like this? Or like me, did you have visions of weekends away together, driving out in the countryside, attending parties and functions as man and wife, and growing old together doing the things you love?
So what happened to that image?
Jobs, demands on your time, children, family commitments, budget constraints and the daily stresses of life soon got in the way of the image of the perfect relationship, and we resigned ourselves to the fact that it was simply a dream.
It doesn't have to be that way.
Making the effort to go out on a date or go away for a weekend doesn't have to cost a lot of money, and it doesn't have to involve huge amounts of time. If you put as much effort into your relationship as you do into your friends, children, pets, or sporting commitments, the time to do these things would simply be there. If you want a night out or a weekend badly enough, there are most often very simple ways to make it happen. Send your children to their grandparents for the night or a weekend. Send them to stay with friends.
A date could even be something as simple as a pizza in a park or a walk on the beach. A weekend away could be as simple as locking the doors and renting DVDs and pampering each other with baths and massages. It can be as simple or as elaborate as you choose to make it. I recently hired a house for a couple of nights up in the mountains and spent a weekend either sleeping, watching movies, or walking together and eating special food. I was surprised how cheap it was and how little effort it involved in putting it all together.
A good life and a good marriage is not measured by minutes, hours, and days, but by special moments and special memories spent together. If it has been too long since your last special memory, make a commitment today to creating one. One small effort might make all the difference.
Add Some Spice To Your Marriage
Has your life as a married couple hit the doldrums? Does it seem that each day is the same as the previous one and nothing exciting happens? With a little effort and some imagination you can turn that all around and put the fun back into your marriage. Take your agenda book and start filling those little squares with cool things you can do with your spouse each day of the week. Why not start with the weekend. If Friday night finds you both tired after slogging at the office, make it Movie Night. Choose something you'll both like, or take turns each time. Nuke some popcorn in the microwave, change your office duds for something more relaxing, sit back and enjoy! Be sure to use the movie as a springboard for some interesting discussion afterwards.
Saturday is a blank slate, waiting to be written on. The whole day stretches before you, full of promise and excitement. Why not schedule a trip to the beach or the countryside? Pack a picnic lunch, and take along a blanket and some cushions (for cuddling later). You can even set off with no particular destination in mind, stopping wherever you please to take in the view, buy fruit at a roadside stand, shop for funky stuff at a country store--it's your day to spend together doing whatever you want to.
Sunday cries out for breakfast in bed: why not take turns making the breakfast? The cook's reward: a delicious backrub later. After breakfast you can turn your bathroom into a spa for two, complete with chunky pillar candles, scented soaps, soft music and plenty of bubbles, especially if you have a whirlpool tub.
And what about during the week, when you both might be working? Make a date to do something every day. Why not schedule a coffee date on Monday at your favorite java joint? Then you could pack a lunch on Tuesday and meet in the park for a picnic. Wednesday why not send an email to your sweetie suggesting a romantic dinner for two after work at that little bistro you discovered? Thursday, send her flowers with a little note. After all, she's worth it. See how fast the week went? How about planning a whole month of inexpensive, meaningful get-togethers so that every day together is special?
Sometimes the smallest things spawn something special.
More tips on adding spices to your marriage
Saturday is a blank slate, waiting to be written on. The whole day stretches before you, full of promise and excitement. Why not schedule a trip to the beach or the countryside? Pack a picnic lunch, and take along a blanket and some cushions (for cuddling later). You can even set off with no particular destination in mind, stopping wherever you please to take in the view, buy fruit at a roadside stand, shop for funky stuff at a country store--it's your day to spend together doing whatever you want to.
Sunday cries out for breakfast in bed: why not take turns making the breakfast? The cook's reward: a delicious backrub later. After breakfast you can turn your bathroom into a spa for two, complete with chunky pillar candles, scented soaps, soft music and plenty of bubbles, especially if you have a whirlpool tub.
And what about during the week, when you both might be working? Make a date to do something every day. Why not schedule a coffee date on Monday at your favorite java joint? Then you could pack a lunch on Tuesday and meet in the park for a picnic. Wednesday why not send an email to your sweetie suggesting a romantic dinner for two after work at that little bistro you discovered? Thursday, send her flowers with a little note. After all, she's worth it. See how fast the week went? How about planning a whole month of inexpensive, meaningful get-togethers so that every day together is special?
Sometimes the smallest things spawn something special.
More tips on adding spices to your marriage
Looking at Communication Breakdown
It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.
This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. My partner told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I lashed back in defense. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of aftershave. But to me, it represented something much deeper, that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be. Worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don't know the first place to begin searching.
Aftershave, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my partner when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"
I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I'm very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.
I don't expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don't expect you to cook my dinner every night" was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.
So where to from here? My partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas I felt guilty if it wasn't perfect. It was never about me trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.
Communication, communication, communication. I need for my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. It is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.
When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.
We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.
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This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. My partner told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I lashed back in defense. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of aftershave. But to me, it represented something much deeper, that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be. Worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don't know the first place to begin searching.
Aftershave, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my partner when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"
I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I'm very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.
I don't expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don't expect you to cook my dinner every night" was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.
So where to from here? My partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas I felt guilty if it wasn't perfect. It was never about me trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.
Communication, communication, communication. I need for my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. It is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.
When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.
We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.
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How to Have a Lasting Marriage through Honesty
Honesty is one very important factor necessary to have a strong and lasting marriage. Every couple must be aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses. They should be able to live together with trust in and understanding for one another.
Here are some tips on how you can have a lasting marriage through honesty:
1. To have a strong relationship, a couple should know most of the things about one other. It is very important for a couple to know details about one's previous relationships and love life. This can build a strong relationship by letting the partner have a background on the things that have happened from the partner’s past especially on previous relationships.
2. Make sure that information on current friends is brought up during conversations that should involve them. This will allow the couple to have an idea how the personalities of these people can influence and affect each other’s lives. There are also instances where friends can be helpful in strengthening and maintaining a lasting marriage.
3. A spouse must also know information regarding the partner’s occupation or on how the partner earns a living. It is essential for a couple to be informed on details such as where one's partner works and how much he/she earns in a month.
4. Couples should have shared dreams and plans. It is essential in a marriage that couples share the same dreams. Disappointments and failures should be dealt with together as married a couple.
Some couples tend to hide their failures from their spouses because they fear the spouse might be affected by problems in which the other may be involved Some would think that being honest all the time could lead to arguments and conflicts in a marriage. Problems and failures should be resolved together. A spouse needs someone to lean on and that is the main responsibility of the other spouse and vice versa.
5. Couples are advised not to be hesitant in asking questions about one another’s feelings. There might be some occasions where one spouse or the other could feel the lack of moral support. Some marriages are destroyed due to financial problems where a spouse can no longer support the financial needs of the household. In such cases honesty is the only answer.
Honesty should be treated as the most respectful approach to a partner’s feelings. Many have survived the challenges of marriage because honesty is the very foundation of their relationship. Always remember that being true and honest is how a person can express his or her love to his or her partner.
Here are some tips on how you can have a lasting marriage through honesty:1. To have a strong relationship, a couple should know most of the things about one other. It is very important for a couple to know details about one's previous relationships and love life. This can build a strong relationship by letting the partner have a background on the things that have happened from the partner’s past especially on previous relationships.
2. Make sure that information on current friends is brought up during conversations that should involve them. This will allow the couple to have an idea how the personalities of these people can influence and affect each other’s lives. There are also instances where friends can be helpful in strengthening and maintaining a lasting marriage.
3. A spouse must also know information regarding the partner’s occupation or on how the partner earns a living. It is essential for a couple to be informed on details such as where one's partner works and how much he/she earns in a month.
4. Couples should have shared dreams and plans. It is essential in a marriage that couples share the same dreams. Disappointments and failures should be dealt with together as married a couple.
Some couples tend to hide their failures from their spouses because they fear the spouse might be affected by problems in which the other may be involved Some would think that being honest all the time could lead to arguments and conflicts in a marriage. Problems and failures should be resolved together. A spouse needs someone to lean on and that is the main responsibility of the other spouse and vice versa.
5. Couples are advised not to be hesitant in asking questions about one another’s feelings. There might be some occasions where one spouse or the other could feel the lack of moral support. Some marriages are destroyed due to financial problems where a spouse can no longer support the financial needs of the household. In such cases honesty is the only answer.
Honesty should be treated as the most respectful approach to a partner’s feelings. Many have survived the challenges of marriage because honesty is the very foundation of their relationship. Always remember that being true and honest is how a person can express his or her love to his or her partner.
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