When you start a new family, the new family unit you've created is basically an extension of the respective bigger "units" that you and your spouse came from.
As such, there will always be a link between your own family and your partner's. In many cases the mix is a harmonious one, but it can cause a lot of marriages to be strained when the in-laws pit their interests against your own.
There are some in-laws who are simply asserting their concern for your spouse and your children.
The problem arises when their idea of what's best for their child (and grandchildren) clashes with your own. It gets even worse when their opinions and advice affects the dynamic and harmony of your relationship.
It's even less easy to deal with their disparaging remarks that get under your skin. The "subtle" way that some of them slip in those snide little comments can really test your patience.
What's an exasperated spouse to do? One of the first things to remember is to keep your sense of humor afloat.
It may not be the nicest thing to hear, but you'll be at a disadvantage if you show your displeasure with their remarks.
Rather than give them the satisfaction of knowing their comments have hit the mark, it's better to take it in stride and pay no mind to it. If your spouse's family sees that you're unaffected, it will deter them from trying in the future.
Easier said than done I know, but at the heart of the anger and hurt is one guiding thought: Do what is in the best interests of your spouse, instead of retaliating from a place of anger.
In that respect, if you feel aggrieved by they way your in-laws treat you, the first person you need to bring it up with is your spouse. Discuss how you feel, and possible ways to alleviate the stress you feel.
The simple act of discussing it may help diffuse some of the emotion out of the situation, as well as offer you both the opportunity to deal with this as a couple.
And that is perhaps one of the most important aspects of this situation: You are a couple. Which means any actions you take or don't take should be reached by consensus.
Retaliating with a comeback of your own may be tempting, but chances are it will only prolong the drama. Instead, laugh off their disapproving comments as if they were truly joking.
Taking their "banter" at face value is a good way of sidestepping the mounting tension. Most of all, it preserves your sense of respect for your in-laws no matter how upset they may make you feel.
Even at times when you are sorely tempted to retaliate, it's important to not bring yourself down to a level where you might later regret what you said or did, especially considering they are family and you will most likely need to be in some form of contact on a regular or semi-regular basis.
Leaving them no reason to say anything against the way you've acted also adds to your peace of mind. Even if there's some friction going on, you can always tell yourself that you've always been mature in dealing with them.
Part of entering into relationships and evolving as adults means you need to come to terms with the fact that not everyone in life will be predisposed to love you like your parents do.
Your in-laws are not the same as your family, and they may have their own rituals, customs, and way of doing things that may seem totally outrageous to you. It's not right or wrong - it's just different.
As distressed as you may be, it's important to empathize with your in-law's perspective in order to get any meaning from it and try and move forward. Any sort of conflict requires you to see the situation from the other person's point of view.
Leaving no room for anyone's opinion but your own will only aggravate the situation. If you are able to pause for a moment and consider their perspective, no matter how wrong you think it is, it may go a long way towards negotiating a peaceful outcome.
The extended family you married into may not always fit your preconceived notions of how in-laws should be. Don't take it against your spouse's parents if they don't offer to look after the kids on the weekends and bake cookies with them.
Always have a realistic outlook on the reality of the situation. Don't set expectations because you're only risking disappointment if they don't live up to them.
On another note, never leave your own spouse out of the picture. He/she after all, is the reason why you're doing what you can to get along with your in-laws.
No matter how bad it gets, always remember that any response or approach should be in a team effort with your spouse. Even if you don't think too much of their family, it's important to appreciate the connection your partner has with them.
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After all, they were the people that your spouse grew up with. As such, don't force him/her into a position to choose between you and them. It's easy to take out your frustration on your partner, especially if they can't seem to see what you're so upset about.
Yet, conflicts with your in-laws won't be resolved if you and your spouse aren't clear about what the issues are and how to respond. There's nothing more heart-wrenching than letting your in-laws divide your relationship.
Married life is not always easy. Sometimes, we need to make the personal sacrifice of supporting our spouse's relationship with their family - even if feels impossible to get along with them.
The best way to handle a discord with in-laws is to let your partner know about how you feel. You'll notice that this approach avoids throwing accusations around.
You're not sugarcoating the key issues here, but rather discussing your emotions (not what they said or did). This cuts to the heart of the matter without rousing any more negativity that's already present.
For instance, a woman named Natalie consulted with us because she was annoyed when her mother-in-law always served a disagreeable type of dish during their family gatherings.
She was sorely tempted to tell her husband, "Is she trying to drive me mad with that dreadful pork roast of hers? She knows I don't eat meat!"
Instead, she followed our advice and told her spouse, "Honey, I don't mean to be rude, but I feel upset when your mom makes pork roast for our parties. I'm sure its lovely, but being vegetarian means I feel that sometimes my beliefs are overlooked. It would be nice if she made something we could all enjoy once in a while.
Her husband was quick to understand where she was coming from and explained that the said dish was in fact, a favorite of his. His mom was only indulging her son's request.
Since Natalie handled the situation correctly, they were able to compromise. Her husband was able to enjoy his pork roast, but asked that his mother make a vegetarian dish occasionally.
It really boils down to an attitude that tells them, "Maintaining harmony is bigger than the things we don't agree on".
As far as the big picture is concerned, empathy and respect are two of the biggest building blocks in getting around the issues that may surface with your in-laws.
Above all, acting with integrity (rather than out of malicious intent) is the key to breaking down the misunderstandings that come up along the way.
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