You know the situation: you meet the dream man or woman, it is love at first sight, you meet their family, you get married, and you all live happily ever after.
We all wish this was the case sometimes, but for many couples, falling in love with your partner doesn't necessarily mean that you fall in love with the in-laws. This story is pretty common, and is often the fodder of jokes, cliches, and Hollywood films such as "Meet the Parents" and "Monster In Law".
Jokes and cliches aside, for many couples it is a reality, and the division between the partner and the in-laws can create some very real obstacles for married couples both new and old. When you fall in love with the man or woman of your dreams, not too much thought is given to their parents or siblings, as the love you feel for the man or woman in your life is so much more important, right?
Coming into a new family is a difficult process, and this is even more evident when there are significant differences between the way your family interacts and the way your in-laws do. Parents feel protective towards their children and want to shield them from the hurt and heartache of relationship breakups, some parents worry about the change in values and lifestyle compared to what they experienced when they were first married, and for some families it can be a battle for control over who has more legitimacy in the eyes of your partner.
Some parents simply don't want their babies to grow up, and when their child releases themselves from their parents care and replaces them with someone new as the most important person in their life, feelings can be hurt. Over the course of time, and as children grow up and develop relationships and start new families, the style of parenting has to change. It is a gradual progression from complete dependence, to nurture, to support, to guidance, and finally to letting go and having faith. Problems persist when this cycle is not duly recognized and people try to resist the forces which bring us from one step to the next.
In order to grow, we all need to change. Life is a constantly evolving cycle of changing roles both in our own lives and in other people’s. Sometimes we let these roles evolve and change, and other times we fight the inevitable, and in the process hurt ourselves and the feelings of others. In doing so we may delay the inevitable, or in many cases accelerate the forces of change that have so sharply become necessary in our own lives and in the way we interact with those we love.
Whether or not you get on with your in-laws, you need to examine your reasons for doing so. Do you threaten their belief system or gender role within the family, or do they threaten your belief system or role within your relationship? Does each of you challenge the other’s legitimacy to be the most important person in your partner’s life?
Once you have finished challenging each other, where does this leave your partner?
The key to healing in your family is in understanding your beliefs and reactions to people and perceived threats. As a partner, it is time to share legitimacy in the wider context of love. The fact that you and your in-laws both love your partner should bring you together. As a parent, it is time to let go and embrace a more holistic and less "hands on" style of parenting. And for all of us, it’s about recognizing the differences.
The differences between all of us are one of the important things that define us. Respecting those differences and doing what is in the best interests of your marriage rather than what is in your own best interests is the key to a successful and supportive marriage.
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