If there's anything all those country love songs lament about, it's cheating. It's practically a cliché - country song, cheating... cheating... well you get the picture.
With the sheer number of cheating songs out there, one could develop the suspicion that maybe cheating does happen more often than we think.
Based on statistics, up to 75% of relationships will be tainted by unfaithfulness at one point or the other; and in 60% of these, the offended partner will not even know it's going on.
This might seem alarming but it's true and you know it. You probably know someone in your immediate circle of friends and family that's been unfaithful. Heck, you may have considered the thought at times.
But, before you become a love song casualty, is there anything you can do to cheat-proof your relationship?
Of course, there are no guarantees. What we hope to do, however, is to arm you and your partner with enough information, strategies and insights for you to actually make yourselves and your relationship STRONG enough to resist the temptation to cheat.
Read that statement again. It's saying what you think it is. The power to cheat-proof your relationship lies in how you and your partner can put in the effort to make whole, healthy, mature individuals in a whole, healthy, mature relationship.
And building this type of relationship requires information, strategies and insights that would change your attitudes towards each other and relationships in general. There, I've given the secret away.
Let's take it one element at a time.
INFORMATION
Many people think that if someone cheats in a relationship, they are born cheaters. Actually, this is not necessarily true. Sure there are those with chronic, psychological problems but those already require professional, clinical help and are beyond the scope of this newsletter.
In the everyday, run-of-the-mill marriage or relationship cheating is the product of a complex set of factors.
It could be partly behavioral - something from an individual's childhood, even social conditioning (i.e. it's there, you're a guy, take advantage) - but also, more often, a symptom of problems in the relationship.
Men and women also approach cheating differently. Men sometimes cheat because they are not getting sex at home or as avoidance of even bigger problems with their marriage. Women tend to cheat because they want to feel loved, valued and supported.
To begin cheat-proofing your relationship you have to arm yourself with this information. Know why people cheat in general and find out if these conditions could be present in your relationship.
It is important that hand in hand with this you get to know yourself very well.
Why would you do the things you do? What tendencies show up in your behavior?
Additionally, get to know your partner intimately - what are his or her motivations? Attitudes? Tendencies? What factors influence his or her behavior?
All in all, remember this: What you know, you can understand. What you understand, you can choose to keep or choose to change.
ATTITUDES
As you get to know yourself and your partner, take note of the negative attitudes that can actually trigger rather than hinder infidelity in your marriage. Studies have found that there are 2 most common negative attitudes: Jealousy and Perfectionism.
If you pay attention to these 2 attitudes, you'll discover that they both stem from insecurities and lack of self-esteem within OURSELVES. They are not products of our relationship. And, usually, our partner is not even to blame for what is lacking.
We view the world from a hazy perspective. With unwarranted jealousy, something in us fails to trust and always feels that our partner prefers someone else over us.
With perfectionism, we expect that our relationship will be the best it can ever be - placing undue expectations on it and on our partner that, realistically, they can never deliver. After all, in an imperfect world, you can only expect so much.
Become intimately acquainted with these two negative attitudes. Do you have one or the other? Do you find yourself reacting to your partner with these leading the way?
If so, STOP. As you get to know yourself, you have the opportunity to CHANGE yourself. It will only be for your own good and for the good of your relationship that you evolve into a positive, happy secure person.
STRATEGIES
Information, getting to know yourself and your partner... what are these for? Perhaps you fail to remember that the key words here are "cheat-proofing" and "relationship". You already have some background, now we expand on the how.
The only way to go about it could be summed up in this way. Make your relationship a QUALITY relationship. Make your relationship with your partner such a precious and valuable part of your life that cheating will no longer be an issue.
In the same way that you try to improve yourself, improve your relationship as well. You can begin with the simple and yet meaningful proposition: It's not just about you it's about your partner too.
Supporting, listening, understanding and being there for your partner are non-negotiables. Being there for each other demands a balance between improving yourself daily and looking out for the welfare of the other.
This includes keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you, developing the right communication tools necessary to remain honest and sincere with one another.
This requires prioritizing your relationship above your other social or familial obligations - which means you put your partner first - even above your children.
This means keeping all the aspects of your relationship intact and GROWING - intimacy, friendship, passion, companionship, respect, reverence. This means quality time and dates, loving acts and honest discussions.
Slacking off could mean growing apart, growing apart could mean allowing a third person to get in the way.
On the other hand, trying too hard may revert you to the old diseases of jealousy and perfectionism. This is why in maintaining your balance; you also have to keep your independence. It's ok to have some space and time apart. In fact, you will even appreciate each other more for it.
Giving each other the breathing room allows you to recharge your batteries and even continue with your work of self-improvement - which, as I said, would only prove beneficial for your relationship.
As we mentioned previously, there are no guarantees. Realistically speaking, however, we hope that these suggestions will give you and your marriage a fighting chance.
Of course, these are nothing without EFFORT. Cheat-proofing your relationship may not be easy but we know that it may just be WORTH IT.
Showing posts with label improve relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label improve relationship. Show all posts
Got In-Law Problems?
You know the situation: you meet the dream man or woman, it is love at first sight, you meet their family, you get married, and you all live happily ever after.
We all wish this was the case sometimes, but for many couples, falling in love with your partner doesn't necessarily mean that you fall in love with the in-laws. This story is pretty common, and is often the fodder of jokes, cliches, and Hollywood films such as "Meet the Parents" and "Monster In Law".
Jokes and cliches aside, for many couples it is a reality, and the division between the partner and the in-laws can create some very real obstacles for married couples both new and old. When you fall in love with the man or woman of your dreams, not too much thought is given to their parents or siblings, as the love you feel for the man or woman in your life is so much more important, right?
Coming into a new family is a difficult process, and this is even more evident when there are significant differences between the way your family interacts and the way your in-laws do. Parents feel protective towards their children and want to shield them from the hurt and heartache of relationship breakups, some parents worry about the change in values and lifestyle compared to what they experienced when they were first married, and for some families it can be a battle for control over who has more legitimacy in the eyes of your partner.
Some parents simply don't want their babies to grow up, and when their child releases themselves from their parents care and replaces them with someone new as the most important person in their life, feelings can be hurt. Over the course of time, and as children grow up and develop relationships and start new families, the style of parenting has to change. It is a gradual progression from complete dependence, to nurture, to support, to guidance, and finally to letting go and having faith. Problems persist when this cycle is not duly recognized and people try to resist the forces which bring us from one step to the next.
In order to grow, we all need to change. Life is a constantly evolving cycle of changing roles both in our own lives and in other people’s. Sometimes we let these roles evolve and change, and other times we fight the inevitable, and in the process hurt ourselves and the feelings of others. In doing so we may delay the inevitable, or in many cases accelerate the forces of change that have so sharply become necessary in our own lives and in the way we interact with those we love.
Whether or not you get on with your in-laws, you need to examine your reasons for doing so. Do you threaten their belief system or gender role within the family, or do they threaten your belief system or role within your relationship? Does each of you challenge the other’s legitimacy to be the most important person in your partner’s life?
Once you have finished challenging each other, where does this leave your partner?
The key to healing in your family is in understanding your beliefs and reactions to people and perceived threats. As a partner, it is time to share legitimacy in the wider context of love. The fact that you and your in-laws both love your partner should bring you together. As a parent, it is time to let go and embrace a more holistic and less "hands on" style of parenting. And for all of us, it’s about recognizing the differences.
The differences between all of us are one of the important things that define us. Respecting those differences and doing what is in the best interests of your marriage rather than what is in your own best interests is the key to a successful and supportive marriage.
We all wish this was the case sometimes, but for many couples, falling in love with your partner doesn't necessarily mean that you fall in love with the in-laws. This story is pretty common, and is often the fodder of jokes, cliches, and Hollywood films such as "Meet the Parents" and "Monster In Law".
Jokes and cliches aside, for many couples it is a reality, and the division between the partner and the in-laws can create some very real obstacles for married couples both new and old. When you fall in love with the man or woman of your dreams, not too much thought is given to their parents or siblings, as the love you feel for the man or woman in your life is so much more important, right?
Coming into a new family is a difficult process, and this is even more evident when there are significant differences between the way your family interacts and the way your in-laws do. Parents feel protective towards their children and want to shield them from the hurt and heartache of relationship breakups, some parents worry about the change in values and lifestyle compared to what they experienced when they were first married, and for some families it can be a battle for control over who has more legitimacy in the eyes of your partner.
Some parents simply don't want their babies to grow up, and when their child releases themselves from their parents care and replaces them with someone new as the most important person in their life, feelings can be hurt. Over the course of time, and as children grow up and develop relationships and start new families, the style of parenting has to change. It is a gradual progression from complete dependence, to nurture, to support, to guidance, and finally to letting go and having faith. Problems persist when this cycle is not duly recognized and people try to resist the forces which bring us from one step to the next.
In order to grow, we all need to change. Life is a constantly evolving cycle of changing roles both in our own lives and in other people’s. Sometimes we let these roles evolve and change, and other times we fight the inevitable, and in the process hurt ourselves and the feelings of others. In doing so we may delay the inevitable, or in many cases accelerate the forces of change that have so sharply become necessary in our own lives and in the way we interact with those we love.
Whether or not you get on with your in-laws, you need to examine your reasons for doing so. Do you threaten their belief system or gender role within the family, or do they threaten your belief system or role within your relationship? Does each of you challenge the other’s legitimacy to be the most important person in your partner’s life?
Once you have finished challenging each other, where does this leave your partner?
The key to healing in your family is in understanding your beliefs and reactions to people and perceived threats. As a partner, it is time to share legitimacy in the wider context of love. The fact that you and your in-laws both love your partner should bring you together. As a parent, it is time to let go and embrace a more holistic and less "hands on" style of parenting. And for all of us, it’s about recognizing the differences.
The differences between all of us are one of the important things that define us. Respecting those differences and doing what is in the best interests of your marriage rather than what is in your own best interests is the key to a successful and supportive marriage.
It's never too late to make an effort
When I hear from customers about their particular marital problems, there are a number of issues that all of these couples have in common. Apart from the usual reduction in sexual intimacy, when I ask customers how long it has been since they went on a date or went away for the weekend, I am usually greeted with a blank stare.
For many customers, it could be anywhere between a year or 18 months since they last had a break or even a date. When I use the term "date", I mean an evening out specifically with the purpose of spending quality time together. Family dinners or nights out with friends don't count, and actually sitting down and calculating how long it has been since the last date or break away as a couple can be a very sobering thought.
Even myself when I sat down and had a think, made me realize that it had been several months since me and my partner had done anything that fitted the criteria of a date or a break.
It may not be intentional, but often weeks can turn into months, and months turn into seasons, and you fall into the trap of spending so much of your time doing the day-to-day things in your marriage, you lose perspective of what is really important. Do you think on the day that you got married when you imagined what your marriage was going to be like that it would be like this? Or like me, did you have visions of weekends away together, driving out in the countryside, attending parties and functions as man and wife, and growing old together doing the things you love?
So what happened to that image?
Jobs, demands on your time, children, family commitments, budget constraints and the daily stresses of life soon got in the way of the image of the perfect relationship, and we resigned ourselves to the fact that it was simply a dream.
It doesn't have to be that way.
Making the effort to go out on a date or go away for a weekend doesn't have to cost a lot of money, and it doesn't have to involve huge amounts of time. If you put as much effort into your relationship as you do into your friends, children, pets, or sporting commitments, the time to do these things would simply be there. If you want a night out or a weekend badly enough, there are most often very simple ways to make it happen. Send your children to their grandparents for the night or a weekend. Send them to stay with friends.
A date could even be something as simple as a pizza in a park or a walk on the beach. A weekend away could be as simple as locking the doors and renting DVDs and pampering each other with baths and massages. It can be as simple or as elaborate as you choose to make it. I recently hired a house for a couple of nights up in the mountains and spent a weekend either sleeping, watching movies, or walking together and eating special food. I was surprised how cheap it was and how little effort it involved in putting it all together.
A good life and a good marriage is not measured by minutes, hours, and days, but by special moments and special memories spent together. If it has been too long since your last special memory, make a commitment today to creating one. One small effort might make all the difference.
For many customers, it could be anywhere between a year or 18 months since they last had a break or even a date. When I use the term "date", I mean an evening out specifically with the purpose of spending quality time together. Family dinners or nights out with friends don't count, and actually sitting down and calculating how long it has been since the last date or break away as a couple can be a very sobering thought.
Even myself when I sat down and had a think, made me realize that it had been several months since me and my partner had done anything that fitted the criteria of a date or a break.
It may not be intentional, but often weeks can turn into months, and months turn into seasons, and you fall into the trap of spending so much of your time doing the day-to-day things in your marriage, you lose perspective of what is really important. Do you think on the day that you got married when you imagined what your marriage was going to be like that it would be like this? Or like me, did you have visions of weekends away together, driving out in the countryside, attending parties and functions as man and wife, and growing old together doing the things you love?
So what happened to that image?
Jobs, demands on your time, children, family commitments, budget constraints and the daily stresses of life soon got in the way of the image of the perfect relationship, and we resigned ourselves to the fact that it was simply a dream.
It doesn't have to be that way.
Making the effort to go out on a date or go away for a weekend doesn't have to cost a lot of money, and it doesn't have to involve huge amounts of time. If you put as much effort into your relationship as you do into your friends, children, pets, or sporting commitments, the time to do these things would simply be there. If you want a night out or a weekend badly enough, there are most often very simple ways to make it happen. Send your children to their grandparents for the night or a weekend. Send them to stay with friends.
A date could even be something as simple as a pizza in a park or a walk on the beach. A weekend away could be as simple as locking the doors and renting DVDs and pampering each other with baths and massages. It can be as simple or as elaborate as you choose to make it. I recently hired a house for a couple of nights up in the mountains and spent a weekend either sleeping, watching movies, or walking together and eating special food. I was surprised how cheap it was and how little effort it involved in putting it all together.
A good life and a good marriage is not measured by minutes, hours, and days, but by special moments and special memories spent together. If it has been too long since your last special memory, make a commitment today to creating one. One small effort might make all the difference.
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