Relearning Love After a Conflict

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. After all, in a room with two people there would also be two different perspectives, two sets of beliefs, two different expectations and motivations.

It is not so much the fact that you and your partner will have conflicting opinions and points of view from time to time but your attitude towards this conflict that could spell the difference between having a marriage fraught with tension or a relationship you can continue to trust in spite of disagreements.

There was a movie released back in the late 80's starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner titled "The War of the Roses". It was a dark comedy about how a couple's marriage grew steadily worse due to conflict - in their case, a bitter fight about material possessions.

In the end, their relationship had deteriorated to such violent proportions that their pride, anger and one-upmanship against each other resulted in them fighting themselves to death.

Again, the film was meant to be a comedy but it was a classic example of how two people in a marriage could not sit down and work through their differences. Of course, it is no laughing matter in real life when husband and wife find themselves stuck in constant bickering and feuding.

First and foremost, understand yourself and how you deal with conflict. What makes you react the way you do? Is it too much or too little expectation? Is it simply a lack of control over your emotions?

At the same time, as you try to understand yourself, take a look at conflict from your spouse's point of view.

What causes him or her to react the way he or she does?

Is it simply a matter of being overwhelmed by the daily grind?

Could it be that she feels left alone by you?

Both of you must realize that these reactions come from SOMEWHERE. Possibly from your childhood or ingrained from patterns your parents exhibited.

Once you understand, then you will be able to anticipate and control your reactions. The maxim "Look before you leap" has never been truer than in situations of conflict.

Secondly, do you realize that there are numerous techniques available to you to deal with and resolve conflict?

Rather than resort to escalating blame, shaming and voice raising, you and your spouse can actually sit down and negotiate and mutually come to an agreement. The insights brought on by your mutual introspection above come into play here.

How then do you use what you have come to understand about the situation and about how your partner reacts to work out with your partner a proactive plan of action?

Choosing to be proactive means that you and your partner will always try to actively look for a positive outcome to your conflict situation.

It means that somewhere along the road, you can both sit down again and reevaluate whether what you have put in place still actually works and benefits you both or whether it's time to change your approach.

For more tools and suggestions on how to deal with conflict, we cover this in a section of the Save My Marriage Today! course.

There, you will discover powerful secrets on how to keep your marriage intact through crisis after crisis. The book also shares with you insights and tools about how to recover the love in your relationship even after a conflict situation.

Get your conflict insights here.

Yes, it's possible for a couple to bounce back and rekindle the love and trust they have for each other even if your relationship has been approaching "The War of the Roses" proportions.

The way to do this is not far from the preparatory techniques we have shared previously. Communication, negotiation and focusing on a positive outcome are still key elements. But, in a touchy situation where a rift of anger or tension has driven a couple apart, several key factors also come into play.

First, getting your emotions under control. More often than not, anger comes into play during times of conflict. There's just something about this or that situation that riles us up.

Well, if one truly wants to make a marriage work even after a crisis situation, dealing with that anger is paramount. While anger is an emotion that tells you that you feel strongly about something, what you do with that anger is infinitely more important.

Will you react negatively or positively? Which is better, lashing out at your spouse or transforming your intense emotions into a desire to make things better?

Second, forgiveness. One would think that the couple is called to forgive each other right after a conflict situation. Sure, that's encouraged but we realize that sometimes, forgiveness takes a while. That's ok.

A crisis situation may not require instant fixing but more a cooling off time where each partner can gather their wits about them. More than being called to forgive each other right away, however, each one is also called to forgive themselves.

Acknowledging how each one hurt the other - from a position of accountability rather than blame enables each partner to take responsibility for their marriage and opens up the possibility of coming to understand why the conflict happened and moving on from there.

Taking this position of humility could, in fact, actually make forgiving each other more real and sincere.

Love is a doing word

If you want love back in your marriage even after a conflict situation, you must be first to give it. Love to be loved. Act how you feel and how you want your marriage to turn out.

It is not even a matter of waiting for your partner to make the effort. It begins with you! This is the secret.

Do some acts of loving everyday. They don't have to be grand or spectacular. They just have to be simple and sincere.

If there's anything we would like you to remember to rebuild love in your struggling marriage, it's this: Become loving to be lovable and you may soon see your marriage moving from "The War of the Roses" to coming up roses.