Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. After all, in a room with two people there would also be two different perspectives, two sets of beliefs, two different expectations and motivations.
It is not so much the fact that you and your partner will have conflicting opinions and points of view from time to time but your attitude towards this conflict that could spell the difference between having a marriage fraught with tension or a relationship you can continue to trust in spite of disagreements.
There was a movie released back in the late 80's starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner titled "The War of the Roses". It was a dark comedy about how a couple's marriage grew steadily worse due to conflict - in their case, a bitter fight about material possessions.
In the end, their relationship had deteriorated to such violent proportions that their pride, anger and one-upmanship against each other resulted in them fighting themselves to death.
Again, the film was meant to be a comedy but it was a classic example of how two people in a marriage could not sit down and work through their differences. Of course, it is no laughing matter in real life when husband and wife find themselves stuck in constant bickering and feuding.
First and foremost, understand yourself and how you deal with conflict. What makes you react the way you do? Is it too much or too little expectation? Is it simply a lack of control over your emotions?
At the same time, as you try to understand yourself, take a look at conflict from your spouse's point of view.
What causes him or her to react the way he or she does?
Is it simply a matter of being overwhelmed by the daily grind?
Could it be that she feels left alone by you?
Both of you must realize that these reactions come from SOMEWHERE. Possibly from your childhood or ingrained from patterns your parents exhibited.
Once you understand, then you will be able to anticipate and control your reactions. The maxim "Look before you leap" has never been truer than in situations of conflict.
Secondly, do you realize that there are numerous techniques available to you to deal with and resolve conflict?
Rather than resort to escalating blame, shaming and voice raising, you and your spouse can actually sit down and negotiate and mutually come to an agreement. The insights brought on by your mutual introspection above come into play here.
How then do you use what you have come to understand about the situation and about how your partner reacts to work out with your partner a proactive plan of action?
Choosing to be proactive means that you and your partner will always try to actively look for a positive outcome to your conflict situation.
It means that somewhere along the road, you can both sit down again and reevaluate whether what you have put in place still actually works and benefits you both or whether it's time to change your approach.
For more tools and suggestions on how to deal with conflict, we cover this in a section of the Save My Marriage Today! course.
There, you will discover powerful secrets on how to keep your marriage intact through crisis after crisis. The book also shares with you insights and tools about how to recover the love in your relationship even after a conflict situation.
Get your conflict insights here.
Yes, it's possible for a couple to bounce back and rekindle the love and trust they have for each other even if your relationship has been approaching "The War of the Roses" proportions.
The way to do this is not far from the preparatory techniques we have shared previously. Communication, negotiation and focusing on a positive outcome are still key elements. But, in a touchy situation where a rift of anger or tension has driven a couple apart, several key factors also come into play.
First, getting your emotions under control. More often than not, anger comes into play during times of conflict. There's just something about this or that situation that riles us up.
Well, if one truly wants to make a marriage work even after a crisis situation, dealing with that anger is paramount. While anger is an emotion that tells you that you feel strongly about something, what you do with that anger is infinitely more important.
Will you react negatively or positively? Which is better, lashing out at your spouse or transforming your intense emotions into a desire to make things better?
Second, forgiveness. One would think that the couple is called to forgive each other right after a conflict situation. Sure, that's encouraged but we realize that sometimes, forgiveness takes a while. That's ok.
A crisis situation may not require instant fixing but more a cooling off time where each partner can gather their wits about them. More than being called to forgive each other right away, however, each one is also called to forgive themselves.
Acknowledging how each one hurt the other - from a position of accountability rather than blame enables each partner to take responsibility for their marriage and opens up the possibility of coming to understand why the conflict happened and moving on from there.
Taking this position of humility could, in fact, actually make forgiving each other more real and sincere.
Love is a doing word
If you want love back in your marriage even after a conflict situation, you must be first to give it. Love to be loved. Act how you feel and how you want your marriage to turn out.
It is not even a matter of waiting for your partner to make the effort. It begins with you! This is the secret.
Do some acts of loving everyday. They don't have to be grand or spectacular. They just have to be simple and sincere.
If there's anything we would like you to remember to rebuild love in your struggling marriage, it's this: Become loving to be lovable and you may soon see your marriage moving from "The War of the Roses" to coming up roses.
Showing posts with label improve marriage relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label improve marriage relationship. Show all posts
Getting Married and Staying Married
She was 20, he was 25, and they were walking down the aisle with a 7 month baby bump between them. Some people thought they were doomed.
Who would have thought that they would end up 5 kids and 18 years later still together? What is it about their partnership that somehow... clicks?
Another marriage counselor colleague I talked with recently may not have been married as long as others but, along the way, we discovered that there are some common concepts or keys that cut across marriages we have known to be successful -think, 30, 40, 50 years.
Allow me to share them with you by summarizing them into four:
1. Whole individuals make whole marriages.
In other words, get to know yourself first and work out becoming a whole, happy person. Sometimes, I've seen marriages fail because individual personalities come with baggage.
While we all have baggage, the problem is when one allows the baggage to rule one's behavior and way or relating. What's worse, more often than not we are not even aware that we actually HAVE baggage.
Knowing yourself, being aware of your issues and, more than that, realistically confronting and surmounting them: these help make one a better individual and a better spouse. In this case, internal self-work is important and I could never emphasize that enough.
If you had issues growing up, start by working on healing them. Cultivate your self-awareness, expose yourself to ideas and experiences that will help you evolve, develop your self-esteem, imbibe a strong sense of self, adapt true humility - even grow a sound moral compass.
There are numerous options open to you: credible self-help books, classes, counseling, and support groups.
It would help you to consult the most mature, happy individuals you know and learn from them. Engage them in conversation. You will discover that they've picked some important things along the way that make them what they are.
You will also discover that growth is continuous. Wholeness and happiness are not something you come to overnight nor are they ever complete. The best one can do is approximate them internally and be content.
2. Love is a decision and a DOING WORD.
More often than not, we see couples resort to divorce because the "love" has gone. That stands to be corrected because it's not necessarily the "love" that has gone but the excitement of early romance.
What people fail to realize is that love is more than the feeling. Couples who have been married for years have this to say: Love is a decision. Steven Covey says: Love is a doing word.
I find that to combine the two actually presents aspects of what it means to really LOVE. Writers refer to it as the difference between "being in love" and "loving".
Love as a decision. We all enjoy having our love validated by an intense feeling deep inside. And, yes, that helps specially in days when your spouse gets grumpy and annoying.
But, above and beyond all that, despite grumpy, annoying and the other seven dwarves, despite good days and bad, you know that you still love because you have decided in the very core of you and you abide by that decision.
This means Love is a commitment that you made with your full, whole consciousness as a mature, self-actualized human being.
Isn't that amazing? That you as a person have the faculties to be in control of your decisions rather than flitting along in the throes of passion?
Love is a doing word. Feeling it and showing it are two different things. I've heard spouses say: "But I LOVE him (or her)" and just leave it at that. What they don't see is that their love has to be shown - especially in the little things.
In this case, actions do speak louder than words and every time you do something for your spouse, you show that you love them and you actually continue to build on that love.
3. Communicate, communicate, communicate. People have a misconception of what communication is. They think that it's simply talking. Of course, that's the first part.
For a marriage to work, I would always advise a couple to talk about everything. Talking is always a good thing. Whether it be talking about things, other people or ideas, talking to one's spouse is important to keeping marriage healthy.
Some people say that it's better to have secrets -- that your spouse doesn't have to know everything. That's true too but in moderation. If it's a big, important secret you're keeping and you can't find a way to tell your spouse the truth, something's wrong.
Even if you agree to disagree, even if your politics may be different, talking is the key. It could be empty talk, just for companionship, it could also be philosophical talk, about one's insights and discovered wisdom.
Whatever it is, talk. And while you're at it, respect each other's point of view.
However, the 2nd part of the Communication cycle is more important than the first. LISTENING. When you truly LISTEN, you hear both what is being said and what is not.
You learn to pick up cues from both verbal and non-verbal communication. You learn to hear with your inner sense and begin to use comprehension and understanding.
Many marriages would have been saved if only partners LISTENED.
4. It's not ME, it's WE. Many couples fail to realize that once they enter into a relationship, they are no longer just two individuals. Couplehood has a life and personality of its own and must be treated as such.
Unfortunately, conflict in marriage is often caused by a clash of individual personalities and agenda. If only more couples come to realize that they're in this TOGETHER and that issues affecting their MARRIAGE must be discussed, decided and acted upon together.
Yes, this includes separation - even how to handle infidelity.
"We"-ness also includes some of the most powerful guidelines for successful marriages. It calls for PRIORITIZING the relationship over each partner's hierarchy of social and familial relationships - including your relationship with your parents and your kids.
This means, within reason, not putting some other relationship first at the EXPENSE of the marriage.
This means making the effort each day to affirm your couplehood by spending quality time with each other and continuing to build the intimacy in your marriage.
There are numerous other tips and guidelines couples can learn from to improve their marriages but I find that these 4 will serve many with success.
People think that marriage is 50-50. I prefer to think that a marriage is 100-100. In effort, communication, love and commitment marriage can never be half-baked.
As long as you give it everything, your passion is going to inspire and lead your spouse to reciprocate and in turn lead you when you need it most.
Your methodology may sometimes be flawed, but as long as you do it with passion, you can maximize your chances of success.
Who would have thought that they would end up 5 kids and 18 years later still together? What is it about their partnership that somehow... clicks?
Another marriage counselor colleague I talked with recently may not have been married as long as others but, along the way, we discovered that there are some common concepts or keys that cut across marriages we have known to be successful -think, 30, 40, 50 years.
Allow me to share them with you by summarizing them into four:
1. Whole individuals make whole marriages.
In other words, get to know yourself first and work out becoming a whole, happy person. Sometimes, I've seen marriages fail because individual personalities come with baggage.
While we all have baggage, the problem is when one allows the baggage to rule one's behavior and way or relating. What's worse, more often than not we are not even aware that we actually HAVE baggage.
Knowing yourself, being aware of your issues and, more than that, realistically confronting and surmounting them: these help make one a better individual and a better spouse. In this case, internal self-work is important and I could never emphasize that enough.
If you had issues growing up, start by working on healing them. Cultivate your self-awareness, expose yourself to ideas and experiences that will help you evolve, develop your self-esteem, imbibe a strong sense of self, adapt true humility - even grow a sound moral compass.
There are numerous options open to you: credible self-help books, classes, counseling, and support groups.
It would help you to consult the most mature, happy individuals you know and learn from them. Engage them in conversation. You will discover that they've picked some important things along the way that make them what they are.
You will also discover that growth is continuous. Wholeness and happiness are not something you come to overnight nor are they ever complete. The best one can do is approximate them internally and be content.
2. Love is a decision and a DOING WORD.
More often than not, we see couples resort to divorce because the "love" has gone. That stands to be corrected because it's not necessarily the "love" that has gone but the excitement of early romance.
What people fail to realize is that love is more than the feeling. Couples who have been married for years have this to say: Love is a decision. Steven Covey says: Love is a doing word.
I find that to combine the two actually presents aspects of what it means to really LOVE. Writers refer to it as the difference between "being in love" and "loving".
Love as a decision. We all enjoy having our love validated by an intense feeling deep inside. And, yes, that helps specially in days when your spouse gets grumpy and annoying.
But, above and beyond all that, despite grumpy, annoying and the other seven dwarves, despite good days and bad, you know that you still love because you have decided in the very core of you and you abide by that decision.
This means Love is a commitment that you made with your full, whole consciousness as a mature, self-actualized human being.
Isn't that amazing? That you as a person have the faculties to be in control of your decisions rather than flitting along in the throes of passion?
Love is a doing word. Feeling it and showing it are two different things. I've heard spouses say: "But I LOVE him (or her)" and just leave it at that. What they don't see is that their love has to be shown - especially in the little things.
In this case, actions do speak louder than words and every time you do something for your spouse, you show that you love them and you actually continue to build on that love.
3. Communicate, communicate, communicate. People have a misconception of what communication is. They think that it's simply talking. Of course, that's the first part.
For a marriage to work, I would always advise a couple to talk about everything. Talking is always a good thing. Whether it be talking about things, other people or ideas, talking to one's spouse is important to keeping marriage healthy.
Some people say that it's better to have secrets -- that your spouse doesn't have to know everything. That's true too but in moderation. If it's a big, important secret you're keeping and you can't find a way to tell your spouse the truth, something's wrong.
Even if you agree to disagree, even if your politics may be different, talking is the key. It could be empty talk, just for companionship, it could also be philosophical talk, about one's insights and discovered wisdom.
Whatever it is, talk. And while you're at it, respect each other's point of view.
However, the 2nd part of the Communication cycle is more important than the first. LISTENING. When you truly LISTEN, you hear both what is being said and what is not.
You learn to pick up cues from both verbal and non-verbal communication. You learn to hear with your inner sense and begin to use comprehension and understanding.
Many marriages would have been saved if only partners LISTENED.
4. It's not ME, it's WE. Many couples fail to realize that once they enter into a relationship, they are no longer just two individuals. Couplehood has a life and personality of its own and must be treated as such.
Unfortunately, conflict in marriage is often caused by a clash of individual personalities and agenda. If only more couples come to realize that they're in this TOGETHER and that issues affecting their MARRIAGE must be discussed, decided and acted upon together.
Yes, this includes separation - even how to handle infidelity.
"We"-ness also includes some of the most powerful guidelines for successful marriages. It calls for PRIORITIZING the relationship over each partner's hierarchy of social and familial relationships - including your relationship with your parents and your kids.
This means, within reason, not putting some other relationship first at the EXPENSE of the marriage.
This means making the effort each day to affirm your couplehood by spending quality time with each other and continuing to build the intimacy in your marriage.
There are numerous other tips and guidelines couples can learn from to improve their marriages but I find that these 4 will serve many with success.
People think that marriage is 50-50. I prefer to think that a marriage is 100-100. In effort, communication, love and commitment marriage can never be half-baked.
As long as you give it everything, your passion is going to inspire and lead your spouse to reciprocate and in turn lead you when you need it most.
Your methodology may sometimes be flawed, but as long as you do it with passion, you can maximize your chances of success.
The Importance of Individual vs Couple Time
A well-balanced marriage is vital in keeping a couple happy and focused. To get this done, some might think that each partner needs to do their own thing.
Others stress the importance of setting aside time for exclusive dates instead. Actually, both measures are helpful to the growth of your marriage.
However, you can't do just either one - a couple needs to have time apart and time together to round out their relationship.
Like we said, it's about keeping things balanced to maintain the growth of each partner involved. It also prolongs the life of the marriage. You need to do both things for a number of valid reasons.
Ask any couple, and they'll tell you that their marriage is hardly perfect. You'll probably get an earful about how much work it takes to keep the machinery running, so to speak. While that's a valid point, all work and no play presents more risks than you might think.
When it comes to the individual partner, he/she needs time to unwind from the routine of daily responsibilities. Any type of work requires the occasional break, and being a spouse and a parent is no different.
While the spirit might be willing, your mind and body can only go so far without some rest in between.
Never forget the physical component of your being. Who we are inside may be the most important thing, but none of us can deny the reality that our bodies need rest.
Repeated stress injury isn't limited to spending too much time in front of a computer. It can also extend to the daily routine of work, running errands and looking after the kids.
Thus, taking time off puts a nice little break in your regular schedule and helps preserve good judgment and sanity. There's no guilt to be found in wanting to be alone from time to time.
It's simply acknowledging the basic need to find yourself after getting caught up in your everyday tasks. It's very easy to forget about your own needs when you've got so much on your mind.
You might think that with so much to do, there's simply no time for anything else. Yet, you are the one responsible for your affairs, so it's up to you to MAKE time to decompress.
Schedule a little break after the kids have gone off to bed, or maybe if you have a free hour to burn before your partner gets home at night.
It's your schedule, so you're the best person to know when you can squeeze in a short intermission from your full-time role in the family. Find something you like and do it when time permits.
Take a 45-minute bike ride around the neighborhood, read that magazine or book you've been dying to finish, pour a glass of wine and listen to a favorite album, or sweat out your stress through one of those Pilates home videos.
Think of anything that interests you greatly and devote a brief but regular amount of time to do it everyday. The point is to take your mind off the things you have to deal with on a daily basis.
Stress can quietly sneak its way into anyone, and before you know it, you're burned out and can't function enough to do anything productive.
This is the importance of finding an outlet. Like it or not, stress accumulates and the time will come when something has to give. Don't let it be your patience or your health.
Can you really be a good spouse or parent with bloodshot eyes and a brain that's been reduced to mush?
Without a chance to rest, your thoughts will dull out and it won't take much for you to snap at the people you love.
A refreshed spouse is a happy spouse. Sometimes, stepping back and doing some introspection is important in revitalizing yourself.
On the other hand, special alone time as a couple is equally important. The chances of marital burnout are greater than you think.
Even if you might not feel it now, never underestimate the importance of prevention. The habit of keeping something from breaking down is less stressful than fixing it.
In a nutshell, making time for each other allows you to reconnect with your partner on an emotional and physical level. It's absolutely necessary to remember how you were as a couple before you started taking care of the kids, the household chores and the bills.
It's easy to forget the reasons why you signed up for better or worse. It's even easier to lose sight of all the wonderful things that you first saw in each other.
Getting away together for a date (or an out-of-town vacation, budget permitting) helps you renew your enthusiasm in being dedicated to your relationship.
It's useful in remembering the special little qualities which endeared you to one another. In short, some retrospect helps clear up the murkiness of the present.
Somewhere along the way, a couple can easily deprive themselves of the love which they first built their marriage on. Of course, effective communication is a must, but blowing off some steam together won't hurt at all.
Think something along the lines of a shared activity like sports if you're into that kind of thing, or just some time to collectively NOT think about the things eating away at your peace of mind.
It doesn't necessarily solve whatever issues you have to deal with afterwards, but it renews your strength to do so.
Lastly, this two-step de-stressing strategy also keeps a marriage from falling into infidelity. It might be hard to relate cheating to spending time together, but there is a connection.
Look at it this way: if you don't find a way to keep your stress level down, the resentment is bound to build up.
It's a natural part of being married. You will inevitably run into some differences in the way each of you approach issues, and too much built-up hostility can eventually drive you away from each other.
It's not a far-off possibility for either one of you to seek love elsewhere. That's exactly why you need to keep that "falling in love" part of your relationship alive, no matter what stage it's at.
The lust stage may have passed in your relationship, but it doesn't mean that you should stop making an effort to connect with one another.
It's perfectly normal (and expected even) for the tides in a marriage to change over time. One moment, you're head over heels and then suddenly you're arguing over the direction of your relationship.
It happens to all couples, but not all couples find the time to rediscover one another. That makes a huge difference between staying faithful - and otherwise.
As far as the big picture is concerned, keeping a marriage in good shape requires you to channel your stress on both levels: as individuals and as a couple.
Before you allow your stress to build up, consider the many ways you can both work on reframing your stress and finding ways to overcome it.
A problem shared is a problem halved. And it all takes you one step closer to your goal of greater marital unity.
Others stress the importance of setting aside time for exclusive dates instead. Actually, both measures are helpful to the growth of your marriage.
However, you can't do just either one - a couple needs to have time apart and time together to round out their relationship.
Like we said, it's about keeping things balanced to maintain the growth of each partner involved. It also prolongs the life of the marriage. You need to do both things for a number of valid reasons.
Ask any couple, and they'll tell you that their marriage is hardly perfect. You'll probably get an earful about how much work it takes to keep the machinery running, so to speak. While that's a valid point, all work and no play presents more risks than you might think.
When it comes to the individual partner, he/she needs time to unwind from the routine of daily responsibilities. Any type of work requires the occasional break, and being a spouse and a parent is no different.
While the spirit might be willing, your mind and body can only go so far without some rest in between.
Never forget the physical component of your being. Who we are inside may be the most important thing, but none of us can deny the reality that our bodies need rest.
Repeated stress injury isn't limited to spending too much time in front of a computer. It can also extend to the daily routine of work, running errands and looking after the kids.
Thus, taking time off puts a nice little break in your regular schedule and helps preserve good judgment and sanity. There's no guilt to be found in wanting to be alone from time to time.
It's simply acknowledging the basic need to find yourself after getting caught up in your everyday tasks. It's very easy to forget about your own needs when you've got so much on your mind.
You might think that with so much to do, there's simply no time for anything else. Yet, you are the one responsible for your affairs, so it's up to you to MAKE time to decompress.
Schedule a little break after the kids have gone off to bed, or maybe if you have a free hour to burn before your partner gets home at night.
It's your schedule, so you're the best person to know when you can squeeze in a short intermission from your full-time role in the family. Find something you like and do it when time permits.
Take a 45-minute bike ride around the neighborhood, read that magazine or book you've been dying to finish, pour a glass of wine and listen to a favorite album, or sweat out your stress through one of those Pilates home videos.
Think of anything that interests you greatly and devote a brief but regular amount of time to do it everyday. The point is to take your mind off the things you have to deal with on a daily basis.
Stress can quietly sneak its way into anyone, and before you know it, you're burned out and can't function enough to do anything productive.
This is the importance of finding an outlet. Like it or not, stress accumulates and the time will come when something has to give. Don't let it be your patience or your health.
Can you really be a good spouse or parent with bloodshot eyes and a brain that's been reduced to mush?
Without a chance to rest, your thoughts will dull out and it won't take much for you to snap at the people you love.
A refreshed spouse is a happy spouse. Sometimes, stepping back and doing some introspection is important in revitalizing yourself.
On the other hand, special alone time as a couple is equally important. The chances of marital burnout are greater than you think.
Even if you might not feel it now, never underestimate the importance of prevention. The habit of keeping something from breaking down is less stressful than fixing it.
In a nutshell, making time for each other allows you to reconnect with your partner on an emotional and physical level. It's absolutely necessary to remember how you were as a couple before you started taking care of the kids, the household chores and the bills.
It's easy to forget the reasons why you signed up for better or worse. It's even easier to lose sight of all the wonderful things that you first saw in each other.
Getting away together for a date (or an out-of-town vacation, budget permitting) helps you renew your enthusiasm in being dedicated to your relationship.
It's useful in remembering the special little qualities which endeared you to one another. In short, some retrospect helps clear up the murkiness of the present.
Somewhere along the way, a couple can easily deprive themselves of the love which they first built their marriage on. Of course, effective communication is a must, but blowing off some steam together won't hurt at all.
Think something along the lines of a shared activity like sports if you're into that kind of thing, or just some time to collectively NOT think about the things eating away at your peace of mind.
It doesn't necessarily solve whatever issues you have to deal with afterwards, but it renews your strength to do so.
Lastly, this two-step de-stressing strategy also keeps a marriage from falling into infidelity. It might be hard to relate cheating to spending time together, but there is a connection.
Look at it this way: if you don't find a way to keep your stress level down, the resentment is bound to build up.
It's a natural part of being married. You will inevitably run into some differences in the way each of you approach issues, and too much built-up hostility can eventually drive you away from each other.
It's not a far-off possibility for either one of you to seek love elsewhere. That's exactly why you need to keep that "falling in love" part of your relationship alive, no matter what stage it's at.
The lust stage may have passed in your relationship, but it doesn't mean that you should stop making an effort to connect with one another.
It's perfectly normal (and expected even) for the tides in a marriage to change over time. One moment, you're head over heels and then suddenly you're arguing over the direction of your relationship.
It happens to all couples, but not all couples find the time to rediscover one another. That makes a huge difference between staying faithful - and otherwise.
As far as the big picture is concerned, keeping a marriage in good shape requires you to channel your stress on both levels: as individuals and as a couple.
Before you allow your stress to build up, consider the many ways you can both work on reframing your stress and finding ways to overcome it.
A problem shared is a problem halved. And it all takes you one step closer to your goal of greater marital unity.
Do you crave romantic love?
Discussion of the day: one partner falling out of love, and not knowing what he wants. The issue came to the fore when he admitted that he had been having an affair, and the feelings in the relationship have been turbulent since that time. The wife is committed to saving the relationship and doesn't know how to react, and the husband is not sure whether he wants to stay in the relationship.
There are also jealousy issues in the relationship, and the wife finds it hard when her husband gets attention on any level from females, even if it appears only as friends.
The idea of a partner wanting out of the relationship is hard enough, but this client is finding it hard with the uncertainty that her husband feels about their future. Having an affair has made him re-evaluate his future in the relationship and added to her feelings of insecurity.
****************
Here is my response:
The situation you find yourself in is not uncommon, when your husband tells you he loves you but is not "in love". This would have to be one of the most commonly used phrases when it comes to identifying why there is a problem in the relationship, yet the explanation in itself serves little purpose.
I believe this phrase is used a lot due to the confusion surrounding what we are expected to do when the romantic love for your partner starts to wane, which it will at some stage in the relationship. All marriages and relationships go through stages, from infatuation to lust, to romantic love or the honeymoon period, to utter chaos and the spawning of real love. The fact that you have been married for a number of years would indicate you are well past the honeymoon stage, and into what we call real love. Real love is when you realize your partner is not perfect, but you still love them. You love them for their differences rather than in spite of them. However the trap people fall into with marriage is that real love does require maintenance. Every day we are called to find new ways of loving our partner and expressing this love as we grow in love and understanding together. If you neglect the need to maintain your love, it becomes easy to fall into habits, perhaps take each other for granted, and one day wake up and find your relationship isn't at all what you had imagined it would be.
I think this is the stage you are at. Ending the affair has finally made your husband sit up and realize that the relationship he has with you is not as strong as it once was. Saying he isn't "in love" with you doesn't mean it's over. All it means is that he has forgotten how to love. You have taken each other for granted for so long that you have both stopped making the effort.
Take a look at Chapter 7 of Book 2: Love is a Doing Word. This is going to teach you and your husband new ways to show love for each other and reassure and support each other in the relationship. The love that your husband felt in the affair was lust, and comparing the intensity of this feeling with your marriage will cause him to re-evaluate what he feels for you.
You need to point out to him that the lust he felt for the other woman was a temporary thing, and if he had stayed with her it would have died and either moved to the next stage or the relationship would have ended. Every relationship goes through this. Yours did, and the relationship with the other woman would have too. Perhaps your husband fell in love with the lust. But it was just lust, not real love. Real love is what has kept you two together all this time.
So that's the first point. The second point I want to look at is your need for reassurance. I noted your reaction when your husband was friends with a married woman several years ago, and fate meant you were able to move your husband away from this situation. This didn't fix the jealousy or mistrust however, and this is an issue I feel you need to work on. When your husband talks to other women, what is your first motivation to react?
* Is it fear that he will humiliate you?
* Is it fear that he will leave you?
* Is it fear that you don't feel you are good enough?
I want you to look at your motivations for jealousy and identify what part of your past this touches on. These feelings may touch on some past wounds, either from a past relationship or a childhood memory. I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about your motivations and feelings, and whether you can revisit this time and find new ways to process the hurt and jealousy.
The thing you need to remember here is that your husband had every opportunity to continue the affair and leave you, but he didn't. He stayed in the marriage because he loves you and is committed to you. This gives you a good foundation upon which you can look at dealing with your issues and recreating the love that once existed in your marriage.
There are a number of exercises that you can do either on your own or as a couple, and these are at the end of every chapter. I have every faith that if you can look at new ways of recreating romantic love then you have every chance you can turn this around.
There are also jealousy issues in the relationship, and the wife finds it hard when her husband gets attention on any level from females, even if it appears only as friends.
The idea of a partner wanting out of the relationship is hard enough, but this client is finding it hard with the uncertainty that her husband feels about their future. Having an affair has made him re-evaluate his future in the relationship and added to her feelings of insecurity.
****************
Here is my response:
The situation you find yourself in is not uncommon, when your husband tells you he loves you but is not "in love". This would have to be one of the most commonly used phrases when it comes to identifying why there is a problem in the relationship, yet the explanation in itself serves little purpose.
I believe this phrase is used a lot due to the confusion surrounding what we are expected to do when the romantic love for your partner starts to wane, which it will at some stage in the relationship. All marriages and relationships go through stages, from infatuation to lust, to romantic love or the honeymoon period, to utter chaos and the spawning of real love. The fact that you have been married for a number of years would indicate you are well past the honeymoon stage, and into what we call real love. Real love is when you realize your partner is not perfect, but you still love them. You love them for their differences rather than in spite of them. However the trap people fall into with marriage is that real love does require maintenance. Every day we are called to find new ways of loving our partner and expressing this love as we grow in love and understanding together. If you neglect the need to maintain your love, it becomes easy to fall into habits, perhaps take each other for granted, and one day wake up and find your relationship isn't at all what you had imagined it would be.
I think this is the stage you are at. Ending the affair has finally made your husband sit up and realize that the relationship he has with you is not as strong as it once was. Saying he isn't "in love" with you doesn't mean it's over. All it means is that he has forgotten how to love. You have taken each other for granted for so long that you have both stopped making the effort.
Take a look at Chapter 7 of Book 2: Love is a Doing Word. This is going to teach you and your husband new ways to show love for each other and reassure and support each other in the relationship. The love that your husband felt in the affair was lust, and comparing the intensity of this feeling with your marriage will cause him to re-evaluate what he feels for you.
You need to point out to him that the lust he felt for the other woman was a temporary thing, and if he had stayed with her it would have died and either moved to the next stage or the relationship would have ended. Every relationship goes through this. Yours did, and the relationship with the other woman would have too. Perhaps your husband fell in love with the lust. But it was just lust, not real love. Real love is what has kept you two together all this time.
So that's the first point. The second point I want to look at is your need for reassurance. I noted your reaction when your husband was friends with a married woman several years ago, and fate meant you were able to move your husband away from this situation. This didn't fix the jealousy or mistrust however, and this is an issue I feel you need to work on. When your husband talks to other women, what is your first motivation to react?
* Is it fear that he will humiliate you?
* Is it fear that he will leave you?
* Is it fear that you don't feel you are good enough?
I want you to look at your motivations for jealousy and identify what part of your past this touches on. These feelings may touch on some past wounds, either from a past relationship or a childhood memory. I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about your motivations and feelings, and whether you can revisit this time and find new ways to process the hurt and jealousy.
The thing you need to remember here is that your husband had every opportunity to continue the affair and leave you, but he didn't. He stayed in the marriage because he loves you and is committed to you. This gives you a good foundation upon which you can look at dealing with your issues and recreating the love that once existed in your marriage.
There are a number of exercises that you can do either on your own or as a couple, and these are at the end of every chapter. I have every faith that if you can look at new ways of recreating romantic love then you have every chance you can turn this around.
Change Your Breakfast Routine
Have you ever considered how busy your life is and how little quality time you have spent with your partner in the past?
How can couples who are busy professionals with careers that consume their time and energy schedule some precious moments to spend with each other? Business lunches, out of town trips, late-night meetings all take their toll on a relationship. You're both on the fast track to success, you live in an executive house in an upscale neighborhood and you have his and hers BMWs. Time at home means working on files and reports, your head buried in a laptop. If you want to see your spouse you practically have to make an appointment with her secretary. What can you do to ensure quality time with your significant other, not just on your annual holiday but every day of your life? Here are some great strategies which you can employ on a daily basis.
Why not get up a little earlier so that you can have breakfast together, especially if you've been in the habit of grabbing a bagel and a java fix as you run out the door? With a little advanced preparation you can sit down to a great breakfast and some wonderful conversation. Instead of that frazzled feeling that besets you every morning, you'll be relaxed and refreshed, ready to handle anything that comes your way.
Try some of these simple ideas. Frozen unbaked croissants, available at your grocery store, can be placed on a cookie tray, covered with parchment paper and left to rise in a warm place overnight. Simply pop them in the oven when you get up and voilà: you have a wonderful French bistro breakfast: warm, flaky croissants served with butter and strawberry jam, accompanied by bowls of foamy lattes. Put on an Edith Piaf CD, pretend you're in Paris and....well, who knows where that will take you?
Alternatively, mix up some muffin batter in advance, freeze uncooked in muffin tins and then pop a tray in the oven when you get up. There's something about the fresh-baked scent of wonderful apple-cinnamon muffins that just makes you want to linger over breakfast. Serve them accompanied by a fresh fruit salad, made the night before. And how long does it take to pop a dollop of butter in the frying pan, whip up eggs and cream and produce light and fluffy scrambled eggs or omeletes?
Be sure to put aside the morning paper. The last thing the love of your life wants to see is you hiding behind the local rag. You can read the headlines on your laptop at work anyway. Turn off the radio and the TV--they are just annoying distractions that will keep you from communicating with your spouse. You don't really need to worry about the latest daily disaster anyway: it's already happened and there's nothing you can do about it. But you can do something about your relationship, right here and now. You can spend precious moments with your best friend.
By making time for each other in the morning, before you head off to work, you reconnect as a couple. Talk about the day that lies ahead, share any little anxieties or worries you might be feeling, get some reassurance that your big presentation in front of the boss will be a success. And don't forget those little hugs and pats that say "I care."
Instead of heading off to work in separate cars, see if it's feasible to carpool with your spouse. Not only will you save on gas, but there'll be more time to spend together. It may be a little inconvenient at times, but on the plus side you'll also be able to have an after work dinner in town occasionally and even draw the line on those late-night meetings your boss is so fond of. (Just because he hasn't got a life is no reason for you to abandon yours.)
Make those little times count. You may be surprised at the difference it makes!
If you want to win back the love of your ex, then I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy of:
==> http://tinyurl.com/24kjxha
==> http://46a46m1bwnr3apbfmfrkmf-ccn.hop.clickbank.net/
How can couples who are busy professionals with careers that consume their time and energy schedule some precious moments to spend with each other? Business lunches, out of town trips, late-night meetings all take their toll on a relationship. You're both on the fast track to success, you live in an executive house in an upscale neighborhood and you have his and hers BMWs. Time at home means working on files and reports, your head buried in a laptop. If you want to see your spouse you practically have to make an appointment with her secretary. What can you do to ensure quality time with your significant other, not just on your annual holiday but every day of your life? Here are some great strategies which you can employ on a daily basis.
Why not get up a little earlier so that you can have breakfast together, especially if you've been in the habit of grabbing a bagel and a java fix as you run out the door? With a little advanced preparation you can sit down to a great breakfast and some wonderful conversation. Instead of that frazzled feeling that besets you every morning, you'll be relaxed and refreshed, ready to handle anything that comes your way.
Try some of these simple ideas. Frozen unbaked croissants, available at your grocery store, can be placed on a cookie tray, covered with parchment paper and left to rise in a warm place overnight. Simply pop them in the oven when you get up and voilà: you have a wonderful French bistro breakfast: warm, flaky croissants served with butter and strawberry jam, accompanied by bowls of foamy lattes. Put on an Edith Piaf CD, pretend you're in Paris and....well, who knows where that will take you?
Alternatively, mix up some muffin batter in advance, freeze uncooked in muffin tins and then pop a tray in the oven when you get up. There's something about the fresh-baked scent of wonderful apple-cinnamon muffins that just makes you want to linger over breakfast. Serve them accompanied by a fresh fruit salad, made the night before. And how long does it take to pop a dollop of butter in the frying pan, whip up eggs and cream and produce light and fluffy scrambled eggs or omeletes?
Be sure to put aside the morning paper. The last thing the love of your life wants to see is you hiding behind the local rag. You can read the headlines on your laptop at work anyway. Turn off the radio and the TV--they are just annoying distractions that will keep you from communicating with your spouse. You don't really need to worry about the latest daily disaster anyway: it's already happened and there's nothing you can do about it. But you can do something about your relationship, right here and now. You can spend precious moments with your best friend.
By making time for each other in the morning, before you head off to work, you reconnect as a couple. Talk about the day that lies ahead, share any little anxieties or worries you might be feeling, get some reassurance that your big presentation in front of the boss will be a success. And don't forget those little hugs and pats that say "I care."
Instead of heading off to work in separate cars, see if it's feasible to carpool with your spouse. Not only will you save on gas, but there'll be more time to spend together. It may be a little inconvenient at times, but on the plus side you'll also be able to have an after work dinner in town occasionally and even draw the line on those late-night meetings your boss is so fond of. (Just because he hasn't got a life is no reason for you to abandon yours.)
Make those little times count. You may be surprised at the difference it makes!
If you want to win back the love of your ex, then I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy of:
==> http://tinyurl.com/24kjxha
==> http://46a46m1bwnr3apbfmfrkmf-ccn.hop.clickbank.net/
When Is The Last Time You Listened?
It may sound simple, but it's true.
"Listen, learn, live."
Even though people think they know everything they need to know about a marriage problem, I will let you in on a little secret... THEY DON"T!
It's so frustrating how people don't listen to their partners when they are in conflict situations. Saying that, the ability to listen in conflict situations is difficult unless you are aware of your need to listen carefully. You may be anticipating what they are saying and rehearsing your reply, you may be retreating back within yourself and protecting yourself from hurtful comments, or you may be concentrating on ways to hurt your partner in reaction to the hurt you are feeling.
Listening is a crucial skill however, and none as important as when you are in a crisis situation with your partner. In order to understand your partner's perspective you need to understand what they are trying to tell you. It can be hard enough in a conflict situation to make sense of what is being said, as your partner may or may not express their feelings in a clear manner.
However, if you are unprepared to listen, you are going to be unable to resolve this conflict and address the issues that have arisen in your relationship. If you are serious about resolving conflicts and dealing with your issues so that you can rebuild your marriage, you need to develop skills to listen.
Listening is part of your commitment to your partner. If you are able to listen carefully to your partner, you are firstly showing them respect by letting them voice their opinion. You are also able to show your commitment to resolving your issues in an appropriate manner. You are able to put aside your own interests and agendas and look at issues through your partner's eyes. Quite often the ability to listen attentively to your partner will help save a lot of time and misunderstanding. A lot of conflict arises as a result of misunderstanding, and attentive listening goes a long way towards combating this.
But there is a lot more to it than simply sitting quietly while your partner has their say. You actually need to process the information that your partner is giving you. This is more complicated than it sounds. There are a lot of barriers that inhibit your ability to fully process the information that your partner is giving you.
These include:
Filtering
This is when you listen to some things and not others. People filter when they either start to hear something they don't like to hear, or if they assume that they don't need to respond to their partner. For many, it is a classic self-defense tactic.
Daydreaming or zoning out
It's hard to stay focused all the time, and occasionally your attention can wander. This is especially common if you have a lot on your mind. If your partner is talking about something that you are not particularly interested in or want to avoid, you may zone out to avoid having to deal with it.
Holding your position
You may be so hell-bent on maintaining your position in an argument that nothing you hear is going to change your opinion. For many couples it is a case of foolish pride that prevents them from changing their stance or backing down. It also means that they stop listening to any other opinion other than their own.
Advising
Your keenness to smooth the problem over and fix it derails any opportunity for your partner to voice their feelings. Your eagerness to resolve the conflict and smooth things over prevents your partner from expressing their frustration, hurt or anger and prevents you from learning from this conflict and addressing the real issues. Slow down, listen to your partner's concerns, and then act. There is plenty of time to solve the conflict properly.
Distracting or derailing
You change the subject or make a joke to take the attention away from the issue that is being raised. This often happens when people feel uncomfortable discussing a subject.
Next time you are discussing an issue or having an exchange of opinions, have a think about how you are listening to your partner.
Are you employing any of these strategies?
What topics do you have the most trouble listening to?
Assess your listening skills next time you are communicating with your partner. Awareness of these blocks to your listening is the first step to better communication and saving marriages.
"Listen, learn, live."
Even though people think they know everything they need to know about a marriage problem, I will let you in on a little secret... THEY DON"T!
It's so frustrating how people don't listen to their partners when they are in conflict situations. Saying that, the ability to listen in conflict situations is difficult unless you are aware of your need to listen carefully. You may be anticipating what they are saying and rehearsing your reply, you may be retreating back within yourself and protecting yourself from hurtful comments, or you may be concentrating on ways to hurt your partner in reaction to the hurt you are feeling.
Listening is a crucial skill however, and none as important as when you are in a crisis situation with your partner. In order to understand your partner's perspective you need to understand what they are trying to tell you. It can be hard enough in a conflict situation to make sense of what is being said, as your partner may or may not express their feelings in a clear manner.
However, if you are unprepared to listen, you are going to be unable to resolve this conflict and address the issues that have arisen in your relationship. If you are serious about resolving conflicts and dealing with your issues so that you can rebuild your marriage, you need to develop skills to listen.
Listening is part of your commitment to your partner. If you are able to listen carefully to your partner, you are firstly showing them respect by letting them voice their opinion. You are also able to show your commitment to resolving your issues in an appropriate manner. You are able to put aside your own interests and agendas and look at issues through your partner's eyes. Quite often the ability to listen attentively to your partner will help save a lot of time and misunderstanding. A lot of conflict arises as a result of misunderstanding, and attentive listening goes a long way towards combating this.
But there is a lot more to it than simply sitting quietly while your partner has their say. You actually need to process the information that your partner is giving you. This is more complicated than it sounds. There are a lot of barriers that inhibit your ability to fully process the information that your partner is giving you.
These include:
Filtering
This is when you listen to some things and not others. People filter when they either start to hear something they don't like to hear, or if they assume that they don't need to respond to their partner. For many, it is a classic self-defense tactic.
Daydreaming or zoning out
It's hard to stay focused all the time, and occasionally your attention can wander. This is especially common if you have a lot on your mind. If your partner is talking about something that you are not particularly interested in or want to avoid, you may zone out to avoid having to deal with it.
Holding your position
You may be so hell-bent on maintaining your position in an argument that nothing you hear is going to change your opinion. For many couples it is a case of foolish pride that prevents them from changing their stance or backing down. It also means that they stop listening to any other opinion other than their own.
Advising
Your keenness to smooth the problem over and fix it derails any opportunity for your partner to voice their feelings. Your eagerness to resolve the conflict and smooth things over prevents your partner from expressing their frustration, hurt or anger and prevents you from learning from this conflict and addressing the real issues. Slow down, listen to your partner's concerns, and then act. There is plenty of time to solve the conflict properly.
Distracting or derailing
You change the subject or make a joke to take the attention away from the issue that is being raised. This often happens when people feel uncomfortable discussing a subject.
Next time you are discussing an issue or having an exchange of opinions, have a think about how you are listening to your partner.
Are you employing any of these strategies?
What topics do you have the most trouble listening to?
Assess your listening skills next time you are communicating with your partner. Awareness of these blocks to your listening is the first step to better communication and saving marriages.
How to Have a Lasting Marriage through Honesty
Honesty is one very important factor necessary to have a strong and lasting marriage. Every couple must be aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses. They should be able to live together with trust in and understanding for one another.
Here are some tips on how you can have a lasting marriage through honesty:
1. To have a strong relationship, a couple should know most of the things about one other. It is very important for a couple to know details about one's previous relationships and love life. This can build a strong relationship by letting the partner have a background on the things that have happened from the partner’s past especially on previous relationships.
2. Make sure that information on current friends is brought up during conversations that should involve them. This will allow the couple to have an idea how the personalities of these people can influence and affect each other’s lives. There are also instances where friends can be helpful in strengthening and maintaining a lasting marriage.
3. A spouse must also know information regarding the partner’s occupation or on how the partner earns a living. It is essential for a couple to be informed on details such as where one's partner works and how much he/she earns in a month.
4. Couples should have shared dreams and plans. It is essential in a marriage that couples share the same dreams. Disappointments and failures should be dealt with together as married a couple.
Some couples tend to hide their failures from their spouses because they fear the spouse might be affected by problems in which the other may be involved Some would think that being honest all the time could lead to arguments and conflicts in a marriage. Problems and failures should be resolved together. A spouse needs someone to lean on and that is the main responsibility of the other spouse and vice versa.
5. Couples are advised not to be hesitant in asking questions about one another’s feelings. There might be some occasions where one spouse or the other could feel the lack of moral support. Some marriages are destroyed due to financial problems where a spouse can no longer support the financial needs of the household. In such cases honesty is the only answer.
Honesty should be treated as the most respectful approach to a partner’s feelings. Many have survived the challenges of marriage because honesty is the very foundation of their relationship. Always remember that being true and honest is how a person can express his or her love to his or her partner.
Here are some tips on how you can have a lasting marriage through honesty:1. To have a strong relationship, a couple should know most of the things about one other. It is very important for a couple to know details about one's previous relationships and love life. This can build a strong relationship by letting the partner have a background on the things that have happened from the partner’s past especially on previous relationships.
2. Make sure that information on current friends is brought up during conversations that should involve them. This will allow the couple to have an idea how the personalities of these people can influence and affect each other’s lives. There are also instances where friends can be helpful in strengthening and maintaining a lasting marriage.
3. A spouse must also know information regarding the partner’s occupation or on how the partner earns a living. It is essential for a couple to be informed on details such as where one's partner works and how much he/she earns in a month.
4. Couples should have shared dreams and plans. It is essential in a marriage that couples share the same dreams. Disappointments and failures should be dealt with together as married a couple.
Some couples tend to hide their failures from their spouses because they fear the spouse might be affected by problems in which the other may be involved Some would think that being honest all the time could lead to arguments and conflicts in a marriage. Problems and failures should be resolved together. A spouse needs someone to lean on and that is the main responsibility of the other spouse and vice versa.
5. Couples are advised not to be hesitant in asking questions about one another’s feelings. There might be some occasions where one spouse or the other could feel the lack of moral support. Some marriages are destroyed due to financial problems where a spouse can no longer support the financial needs of the household. In such cases honesty is the only answer.
Honesty should be treated as the most respectful approach to a partner’s feelings. Many have survived the challenges of marriage because honesty is the very foundation of their relationship. Always remember that being true and honest is how a person can express his or her love to his or her partner.
Recognizing marital conflicts and solving them fast
Annie and Glenn were considered the perfect couple of the year when they were married in a small but picturesque chapel in Santa Monica two years ago. Annie was a 24 year old career girl while Glenn was on his way to becoming a successful lawyer.
That was then when they were still carefree individuals who got involved in their relationship for a little fun and companionship. Marriage has made a very big difference in their lives. It seems to have ruined what they call magic.
Both have attained their career goals. Annie now writes her own column in a business magazine while Glenn has been recruited by a top notch law firm. Their careers are going great; their marriage however is another story.
Both are so busy with their own lives that they seem to have started growing apart. Most of their hours are spent at work, and on the rare occasions they see each other, they spend much of it in a shouting match.
Annie and Glenn's dilemma is not uncommon to many married couple; in fact it is the rule rather than the exception. Married couples sometimes ask themselves why they are capable of doing things that could hurt the other spouse, despite the fact that they love each other so much.
It is true when they say it is the person you love the most that can hurt you the most. This is true for most married couple who have not yet found a way to settle their differences and live with their then.
Arguments are part and parcel of being married but it is up to the couple to find ways to lessen the frequency and the intensity of the argument. Sometimes, couples think having the same argument over and over again is a normal thing in marriage. Of course, it is a normal thing but it should not be a so.
Common sources of conflict among married couples
It is hard to live with another person because each one has his own personality and each person was brought up by their families differently. Conflicts arise when two personalities and two ways of life merge - each one wanting to be dominant.
The main reason married couples have arguments is because they are two different people forced to live physically together, regardless of their quirks and personality. Unless you are a boring creature who does not want surprises, then you would find it fun to live with a person who is just like you and so predictable that you do not even speak to each other because one is aware of what other is thinking. Others believe differently, believing that when two people are so alike there is no need for the other,
But there are specific issues that are pointed to as the common source of conflict and argument among married couples.
1. Money - Who does not need money? Of course everyone does, and the lack of excess of financial means will always serve as a launching pad for conflict. A couple who does not have enough money will have conflicts with budgeting and managing their finances. On the other hand, a couple who have plenty of resources will still quarrel over how the money is being spent..
2. Jealousy - A jealous lover adds sizzle to romance but when jealousy goes overboard it can make your married life miserable. A little jealousy will help make the relationship exciting but too much of it will alienate one spouse from the jealous spouse. People who have jealous spouses tend to curtail their emotional and intellectual development.
3. Sex - The lack or excess of sexual activity is also a source of conflict for married couples. Couples who have the same sexual preferences are lucky. For most couples incompatibility of their sexual desires is often the underlying reason for conflicts that are manifested in other ways.
4. In-laws - There are couples who incessantly quarrel just because of domineering in-laws who are interfering with the marriage. A couple may be living away from the in-laws but there are ways in-laws manage to ruin the marriage. It is really up to the spouses to inform their own families about the limitation that are to be observed to keep the marriage healthy and far from in-laws interference.
5. Responsibility - Who is in charge of cleaning the house? Who is in charge of paying for the monthly bills or the groceries? These are little things that boil down to the delegation of responsibilities between the spouses. It will be good if spouses can talk about who should be responsible for all the things necessary to keep the marriage on an even keel..
There are other sources of conflict, most of them originating from the basic sources of conflict. Couples should be aware of the things that cause conflict between them so they can find a common solution to those conflicts. Being aware of conflicts and confronting them the as soon as possible will help the marriage and will avoid recurrence of such conflicts later on.
*****************************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
That was then when they were still carefree individuals who got involved in their relationship for a little fun and companionship. Marriage has made a very big difference in their lives. It seems to have ruined what they call magic.
Both have attained their career goals. Annie now writes her own column in a business magazine while Glenn has been recruited by a top notch law firm. Their careers are going great; their marriage however is another story.
Both are so busy with their own lives that they seem to have started growing apart. Most of their hours are spent at work, and on the rare occasions they see each other, they spend much of it in a shouting match.
Annie and Glenn's dilemma is not uncommon to many married couple; in fact it is the rule rather than the exception. Married couples sometimes ask themselves why they are capable of doing things that could hurt the other spouse, despite the fact that they love each other so much.
It is true when they say it is the person you love the most that can hurt you the most. This is true for most married couple who have not yet found a way to settle their differences and live with their then.
Arguments are part and parcel of being married but it is up to the couple to find ways to lessen the frequency and the intensity of the argument. Sometimes, couples think having the same argument over and over again is a normal thing in marriage. Of course, it is a normal thing but it should not be a so.Common sources of conflict among married couples
It is hard to live with another person because each one has his own personality and each person was brought up by their families differently. Conflicts arise when two personalities and two ways of life merge - each one wanting to be dominant.
The main reason married couples have arguments is because they are two different people forced to live physically together, regardless of their quirks and personality. Unless you are a boring creature who does not want surprises, then you would find it fun to live with a person who is just like you and so predictable that you do not even speak to each other because one is aware of what other is thinking. Others believe differently, believing that when two people are so alike there is no need for the other,
But there are specific issues that are pointed to as the common source of conflict and argument among married couples.
1. Money - Who does not need money? Of course everyone does, and the lack of excess of financial means will always serve as a launching pad for conflict. A couple who does not have enough money will have conflicts with budgeting and managing their finances. On the other hand, a couple who have plenty of resources will still quarrel over how the money is being spent..
2. Jealousy - A jealous lover adds sizzle to romance but when jealousy goes overboard it can make your married life miserable. A little jealousy will help make the relationship exciting but too much of it will alienate one spouse from the jealous spouse. People who have jealous spouses tend to curtail their emotional and intellectual development.
3. Sex - The lack or excess of sexual activity is also a source of conflict for married couples. Couples who have the same sexual preferences are lucky. For most couples incompatibility of their sexual desires is often the underlying reason for conflicts that are manifested in other ways.
4. In-laws - There are couples who incessantly quarrel just because of domineering in-laws who are interfering with the marriage. A couple may be living away from the in-laws but there are ways in-laws manage to ruin the marriage. It is really up to the spouses to inform their own families about the limitation that are to be observed to keep the marriage healthy and far from in-laws interference.
5. Responsibility - Who is in charge of cleaning the house? Who is in charge of paying for the monthly bills or the groceries? These are little things that boil down to the delegation of responsibilities between the spouses. It will be good if spouses can talk about who should be responsible for all the things necessary to keep the marriage on an even keel..
There are other sources of conflict, most of them originating from the basic sources of conflict. Couples should be aware of the things that cause conflict between them so they can find a common solution to those conflicts. Being aware of conflicts and confronting them the as soon as possible will help the marriage and will avoid recurrence of such conflicts later on.
*****************************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Marriage and Sex Problems: When Married Life is Not Confined in Bed Alone
Every person has his or her own limitations on physical and emotional abilities and strength. These limitations are associated with how each person was morally developed by their parents. Their surroundings, their personal outlook on themselves, their fears, and the level of their acceptance and maturity are also factors.
Disparity on sex problems and marriage should never be generalized and concluded. Creating solutions and accepting reality is totally dependent on how the person involved in the relationship can cope with the challenges.
In reality, sex is an important tool in keeping the spark in every marriage burning. In fact, some health experts contend that having a good sex life can absolutely make people feel good about themselves and can actually improve one’s overall health condition.
That is why, for some people who experience sex problems like erectile dysfunction, hormonal imbalance, inability to achieve orgasm, etc., find it extremely difficult to maintain their marriage.
Although sex should never be an issue in marriage, the fact that having a good sexual relationship is advantageous to married couples. Having sex problems is definitely something to talk about and should be resolved if possible.
Today, there are many solutions available to resolve some of the most common sex problems. This is definitely good news since health experts contend that having a good sexual activity in marriage is 25%-30% better for married couples than those who are not yet married.
In fact, in the United Kingdom alone, the largest source of sex therapy is currently receiving 5,000 people who are having sexual problems every year.
Furthermore, statistics show that most people who attend some kind of sexual therapy can actually improve their marriage as well as their health. Almost 93% of those who have undergone sexual therapy have significantly improved their married life.
Most health experts contend that sexual activity can definitely mend a marriage that is nearing to divorce. However, one should not dismiss the fact that not all sexual problems can be resolved. It is important for every married couple to fully understand their partner’s physical limitations regarding sex.
If there are no available solutions to some sex problems the spouse should be able to accept that reality. If love is the center of the relationship sexual problems should not be a barrier to a lasting marriage.
Disparity on sex problems and marriage should never be generalized and concluded. Creating solutions and accepting reality is totally dependent on how the person involved in the relationship can cope with the challenges.
In reality, sex is an important tool in keeping the spark in every marriage burning. In fact, some health experts contend that having a good sex life can absolutely make people feel good about themselves and can actually improve one’s overall health condition.
That is why, for some people who experience sex problems like erectile dysfunction, hormonal imbalance, inability to achieve orgasm, etc., find it extremely difficult to maintain their marriage.
Although sex should never be an issue in marriage, the fact that having a good sexual relationship is advantageous to married couples. Having sex problems is definitely something to talk about and should be resolved if possible.
Today, there are many solutions available to resolve some of the most common sex problems. This is definitely good news since health experts contend that having a good sexual activity in marriage is 25%-30% better for married couples than those who are not yet married.
In fact, in the United Kingdom alone, the largest source of sex therapy is currently receiving 5,000 people who are having sexual problems every year.
Furthermore, statistics show that most people who attend some kind of sexual therapy can actually improve their marriage as well as their health. Almost 93% of those who have undergone sexual therapy have significantly improved their married life.
Most health experts contend that sexual activity can definitely mend a marriage that is nearing to divorce. However, one should not dismiss the fact that not all sexual problems can be resolved. It is important for every married couple to fully understand their partner’s physical limitations regarding sex.
If there are no available solutions to some sex problems the spouse should be able to accept that reality. If love is the center of the relationship sexual problems should not be a barrier to a lasting marriage.
Be Courteous and Save the Marriage
The wedding celebration is summed up with the exchange of the "I do’s." This is just the beginning. There are more exchanges of words expected. However, to have a lasting relationship, respect is the key.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, respect is such a big word. It is a big factor in any relationship. It is the foundation of love and trust. Any married couple encountering difficulties in their relationships can simply go back to this fundamental.
To maintain harmony, each of the spouses must manifest respect to the other. Simply be courteous, both in words and in actions.
Most people associate courtesy with etiquette. That is why most people think it is very burdensome. Some people even claim that they want to be laid back in a serious relationship, that there is no need for pretenses or formalities.
However, courtesy is not all about table manners or social formalities. It is simply an active choice of doing the proper things at the proper time, like displaying gratitude when there is something to be thankful for or expressing sweet words of love.
Say the Magic Word
Do not let politeness be forgotten in the relationship. To be courteous to each other is not difficult. One only has to remember the magic words taught back in the kindergarten days. Here are some phrases that would definitely count.
1. "Please."
Requesting for something to be done will sound better if coupled with this simple word.
2. "Thank You."
These two words express gratitude for someone who went out of the way to do something special.
3. "You're welcome."
Even in married life, each of the spouses still deserves such sweet and comforting phrases. Their lasting effects are not to be underestimated. These words never go out of style.
Be Courteous in Your Actions
Courtesy can also be extended on many other occasions.
It would be a good thought to return phone calls. Leaving a note behind to simply inform the itinerary or destination for the day will also assure the husband or the wife. Remembering and celebrating anniversaries and birthdays are definitely plus points.
Do not fall out of these habits. Common courtesy is deserved by others. Coupled with the thought of doing such things will definitely make the spouse worthy of respect.
The simplest and most ordinary things done everyday are actually the best things to take note of when trying to improve the marriage. If one aims for more intimacy and openness in the marriage, such simple and intimate ways of communication must be encouraged.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, respect is such a big word. It is a big factor in any relationship. It is the foundation of love and trust. Any married couple encountering difficulties in their relationships can simply go back to this fundamental.
To maintain harmony, each of the spouses must manifest respect to the other. Simply be courteous, both in words and in actions.
Most people associate courtesy with etiquette. That is why most people think it is very burdensome. Some people even claim that they want to be laid back in a serious relationship, that there is no need for pretenses or formalities.
However, courtesy is not all about table manners or social formalities. It is simply an active choice of doing the proper things at the proper time, like displaying gratitude when there is something to be thankful for or expressing sweet words of love.
Say the Magic Word
Do not let politeness be forgotten in the relationship. To be courteous to each other is not difficult. One only has to remember the magic words taught back in the kindergarten days. Here are some phrases that would definitely count.
1. "Please."
Requesting for something to be done will sound better if coupled with this simple word.
2. "Thank You."
These two words express gratitude for someone who went out of the way to do something special.
3. "You're welcome."
Even in married life, each of the spouses still deserves such sweet and comforting phrases. Their lasting effects are not to be underestimated. These words never go out of style.
Be Courteous in Your Actions
Courtesy can also be extended on many other occasions.
It would be a good thought to return phone calls. Leaving a note behind to simply inform the itinerary or destination for the day will also assure the husband or the wife. Remembering and celebrating anniversaries and birthdays are definitely plus points.
Do not fall out of these habits. Common courtesy is deserved by others. Coupled with the thought of doing such things will definitely make the spouse worthy of respect.
The simplest and most ordinary things done everyday are actually the best things to take note of when trying to improve the marriage. If one aims for more intimacy and openness in the marriage, such simple and intimate ways of communication must be encouraged.
Remember to apologize to improve your marriage
Knowing when to say you are sorry.
Katrina and Jason are seated on the same side of the sofa but their body language revealed what a marriage counselor can easily detect among married couples who have chosen to live the MAR in marriage.
The couple is seeing a marriage counselor for the first time since they were married. They have been having trouble lately over trivial matters that seem to spark their hostility towards each other.
She said when Jason has a bad day at the office his bad mood continues after work. He arrives home poker-faced, and oblivious to Katrina's words of welcome. Such behavior has been going on for quite sometime now, she said, but there seems to be no effort on his part to apologize for taking his office problems home and taking them out on his wife.
Many married couples today find it hard to maintain a workable marriage, much less a happy one. It may be the pressure of making the family finances better, or the mundane task of maintaining the household. Whatever it is, it is clear that married couples do not treat each other the way they did before they got married.
During the dating stage, the sweetest moment for a couple is the reconciliation stage after a disagreement because each makes every effort to act beyond what is expected of him. This is what we call the "sweetheart" stage, when the couple is getting to know each other without any pressure attached on their relationship.
A couple making up for a wrong committed against the other will make use of every trick in the book to be forgiven. Saying “I’m sorry” is romantically done by sending short notes, simple gifts or flowers.
A newly-wed couple will still retain the "sweetheart" stage early on in the marriage. This means saying sorry for doing something wrong is still an effortless action.
After a while or after being married for quite sometime, the couple will become so familiar with each other that they treat the other not as a lover but the way they would treat other family members. During this time, pride gets in the way and the words "I’m sorry" has taken a back seat.
Saying that you are sorry is important in maintaining a good marriage. By saying “sorry”, the damage done by too much familiarity and heartlessness against the other spouse heals a little. Staying married for years without uttering these words would mean the piling up of heartaches and even hatred in a couple's hearts. This is not healthy in a relationship because it alienates the other.
Couples who have the tendency to fight, even over trivial things, should relearn the art of saying “I’m sorry”. It is an art because it is a gift from within - but it has to be learned. Married couples who want to keep their marriage should relearn the art which was used when they were still dating.
Saying sorry to your partner does not just tell him or her you are sorry for the things you have done. The important thing is that you are saying sorry because you have hurt your partner's feeling or that you did not mean to do so. Hearing sorry may not turn back the clock but it will somehow ease the pain.
But saying “I’m sorry” without really meaning it can just worsen the fight. If the other spouse is not “dense”, then the insincerity of the apology will be noticed. Of course, it is easier to say sorry to your officemates or friends, but saying sorry to one's spouse will make a difference in the relationship.
The danger is, you may have gotten so used to saying you’re sorry that it operates like a mantra when the other spouse accuses you of hurting his or her feelings. It will be like saying sorry without really meaning it. Saying that you are sorry should always be followed by a positive action from the erring spouse.
While saying sorry is not the be-all and end-all of a marriage problem, it is a good start and will show the other couple that there is hope for the marriage and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep that marriage alive.
Katrina and Jason are seated on the same side of the sofa but their body language revealed what a marriage counselor can easily detect among married couples who have chosen to live the MAR in marriage.
The couple is seeing a marriage counselor for the first time since they were married. They have been having trouble lately over trivial matters that seem to spark their hostility towards each other.
She said when Jason has a bad day at the office his bad mood continues after work. He arrives home poker-faced, and oblivious to Katrina's words of welcome. Such behavior has been going on for quite sometime now, she said, but there seems to be no effort on his part to apologize for taking his office problems home and taking them out on his wife.
Many married couples today find it hard to maintain a workable marriage, much less a happy one. It may be the pressure of making the family finances better, or the mundane task of maintaining the household. Whatever it is, it is clear that married couples do not treat each other the way they did before they got married.
During the dating stage, the sweetest moment for a couple is the reconciliation stage after a disagreement because each makes every effort to act beyond what is expected of him. This is what we call the "sweetheart" stage, when the couple is getting to know each other without any pressure attached on their relationship.
A couple making up for a wrong committed against the other will make use of every trick in the book to be forgiven. Saying “I’m sorry” is romantically done by sending short notes, simple gifts or flowers.
A newly-wed couple will still retain the "sweetheart" stage early on in the marriage. This means saying sorry for doing something wrong is still an effortless action.
After a while or after being married for quite sometime, the couple will become so familiar with each other that they treat the other not as a lover but the way they would treat other family members. During this time, pride gets in the way and the words "I’m sorry" has taken a back seat.
Saying that you are sorry is important in maintaining a good marriage. By saying “sorry”, the damage done by too much familiarity and heartlessness against the other spouse heals a little. Staying married for years without uttering these words would mean the piling up of heartaches and even hatred in a couple's hearts. This is not healthy in a relationship because it alienates the other.
Couples who have the tendency to fight, even over trivial things, should relearn the art of saying “I’m sorry”. It is an art because it is a gift from within - but it has to be learned. Married couples who want to keep their marriage should relearn the art which was used when they were still dating.
Saying sorry to your partner does not just tell him or her you are sorry for the things you have done. The important thing is that you are saying sorry because you have hurt your partner's feeling or that you did not mean to do so. Hearing sorry may not turn back the clock but it will somehow ease the pain.
But saying “I’m sorry” without really meaning it can just worsen the fight. If the other spouse is not “dense”, then the insincerity of the apology will be noticed. Of course, it is easier to say sorry to your officemates or friends, but saying sorry to one's spouse will make a difference in the relationship.
The danger is, you may have gotten so used to saying you’re sorry that it operates like a mantra when the other spouse accuses you of hurting his or her feelings. It will be like saying sorry without really meaning it. Saying that you are sorry should always be followed by a positive action from the erring spouse.
While saying sorry is not the be-all and end-all of a marriage problem, it is a good start and will show the other couple that there is hope for the marriage and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep that marriage alive.
Saving a Marriage: How to resolve arguments the easy way
In a world that is populated with millions and millions of people, a person is bound to run into some arguments with the individuals that they will encounter in their everyday lives.
People are a part of our social environment. As early as kindergarten children learn to adapt to their social surroundings. But every now and then some children who cannot find a way to resolve arguments with each other end up in a fight.
But as children get older they learn that there are ways to resolve arguments without getting into a fist fight! Something that grownups should have learned by now!
Learn to compromise to saving a marriage
One of the things that a person needs to realize is that he or she can't get his way all of the time! As a matter of fact, most arguments stem from this way of thinking. When individuals continuously impose their way of thinking, and course of action on others a fight is inevitable.
People need to respect each other's differences. Whether it be religion, nationality, social status, etc. No two persons are exactly alike. So it is only natural that they have some differences.
Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. Imagine what a dreary world it would be if everyone thought and acted in the exact same manner! This is a premise usually reserved for science fiction novels that end with the unlikely hero deactivating the mind control machine designed by the bad guys.
Different ways of thinking result in a number of different ideas that help humanity progress. In fact, it is from this diversity that we add to the many shades and colors of life.
Keep the volume down when saving a marriage
Don't engage in a shouting match. This doesn't solve anything. It only results in a couple of sore throats! Individuals should learn to settle their arguments by discussing them in a peaceful manner. Being harsh and confrontational only inspires the other person to unleash his or her venom. So it is best to always be calm. It also helps to keep one's voice down when negotiating for a treaty.
Keep the boxing gloves off
Individuals should not try to win arguments, instead, they should work hard at finding a compromise. This work wonders! It will eliminate the bad blood brewing between two individuals involved in an argument.
Arguing with people is never fun. But sometimes it can't be helped, despite our best efforts to get along sometimes arguments are inevitable.
But arguments don't have to get ugly as long as people do their best to find the amiable solutions, and respect each other's differences.
People are a part of our social environment. As early as kindergarten children learn to adapt to their social surroundings. But every now and then some children who cannot find a way to resolve arguments with each other end up in a fight.
But as children get older they learn that there are ways to resolve arguments without getting into a fist fight! Something that grownups should have learned by now!
Learn to compromise to saving a marriage
One of the things that a person needs to realize is that he or she can't get his way all of the time! As a matter of fact, most arguments stem from this way of thinking. When individuals continuously impose their way of thinking, and course of action on others a fight is inevitable.
People need to respect each other's differences. Whether it be religion, nationality, social status, etc. No two persons are exactly alike. So it is only natural that they have some differences.
Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. Imagine what a dreary world it would be if everyone thought and acted in the exact same manner! This is a premise usually reserved for science fiction novels that end with the unlikely hero deactivating the mind control machine designed by the bad guys.
Different ways of thinking result in a number of different ideas that help humanity progress. In fact, it is from this diversity that we add to the many shades and colors of life.
Keep the volume down when saving a marriage
Don't engage in a shouting match. This doesn't solve anything. It only results in a couple of sore throats! Individuals should learn to settle their arguments by discussing them in a peaceful manner. Being harsh and confrontational only inspires the other person to unleash his or her venom. So it is best to always be calm. It also helps to keep one's voice down when negotiating for a treaty.
Keep the boxing gloves off
Individuals should not try to win arguments, instead, they should work hard at finding a compromise. This work wonders! It will eliminate the bad blood brewing between two individuals involved in an argument.
Arguing with people is never fun. But sometimes it can't be helped, despite our best efforts to get along sometimes arguments are inevitable.
But arguments don't have to get ugly as long as people do their best to find the amiable solutions, and respect each other's differences.
Never succumb to jealousy to improve your marriage
One of the most common problems that married couples encounter is the occasional bout of jealousy. This has been known to start arguments, cause pain and eventually rip two people apart.
As a part of a married couple, you would know whether you have the tendency to be jealous with reasons that are most often not justified enough. You and your partner might be having a lot of arguments over this attitude that you have. Instead of being obsessed with it, you can actually channel this negative feeling and know the deeper reason of why you get jealous.
Here are some tips on how you can improve your marriage by trying to avoid succumbing to jealousy:
1. Get an insight of your inner self.
Ask yourself why you tend to get jealous unreasonably. Does your partner actually show signs that you should not trust him or her?
Trust is the antidote to the traitorous feeling of jealousy. If you trust your partner enough, you should learn not to succumb to the feeling of insecurity or jealousy when your partner tries to befriend a member of the opposite sex.
Ask yourself if it is really worth your time and emotional effort to get jealous for no reason at all.
2. Remember that a small dose of jealousy is actually healthy for a relationship.
As long as it does not amount to obsessive proportions, a little jealousy is actually healthy for your marriage. The feeling of being jealous roots from the desire to preserve your relationship. It also boils down to the feeling of possessiveness towards your partner which is the result of your love for each other.
There is nothing wrong with having this feeling because it is man’s natural instinct to protect his ‘territory’. Just make sure that you know how to do it in a manner that will not be hurtful to you or to your partner. After all, your purpose is to protect your partner and preserve your relationship.
If you keep these goals in mind, you can try to not to curb your jealousy and use it in a more positive way to improve your relationship.
3. Track down the root of these feelings.
The way that you feel is the outcome of a certain situation. Ask yourself why you have a feeling of jealousy. If this feeling actually comes from an insecurity that you have it could be a feeling of shortcoming, that you are lacking in something. Or it could be a result of a deep-seated doubt that you have in about relationship with your partner.
This can also be caused by fear, or a past hurt that you have carried in to adulthood.
There are a lot of sources and endless possibilities of where this emotion may be coming from.
Try to look within yourself and find out the reason for this. Once you have determined the reason, you will have a better understanding of why you have such feelings and learn to deal with it better.
4. Keep in mind that there are other types of jealousy.
You might be jealous because of the possibility that your partner may cheating on you. It could be that you are jealous of the things that your partner has and you do not.
By going to the root of the problem, you can properly address your feelings.
5. Ask yourself about what this feeling does to your partner.
Jealousy has been known to cause breakups and rifts in a relationship.
Think how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of your partner’s jealousy. How would you feel, and how would you react?
By putting yourself in your partner’s shoes, you would learn that this might give him/her a stifling feeling which might later lead to bigger problems.
6. Have a better sense of self to prevent irrational jealousy.
If the root of your feeling stems from a low self-esteem, try to work on changing your attitude and learn to develop a greater feeling of self-worth. This would help you curb the irrational tendencies to be jealous and help heal yourself in the process.
7. Finally, you should learn to take risks.
The feeling of jealousy is also caused by a fear of being disappointed and getting hurt in the process.
In love and in life, you should learn to take risks because that is the only way that you can put yourself out there and really get to be with the one you love.
By mulling over these things, you can learn not to succumb to the feeling of jealousy and have a more stable and love-filled married life.
As a part of a married couple, you would know whether you have the tendency to be jealous with reasons that are most often not justified enough. You and your partner might be having a lot of arguments over this attitude that you have. Instead of being obsessed with it, you can actually channel this negative feeling and know the deeper reason of why you get jealous.
Here are some tips on how you can improve your marriage by trying to avoid succumbing to jealousy:
1. Get an insight of your inner self.
Ask yourself why you tend to get jealous unreasonably. Does your partner actually show signs that you should not trust him or her?
Trust is the antidote to the traitorous feeling of jealousy. If you trust your partner enough, you should learn not to succumb to the feeling of insecurity or jealousy when your partner tries to befriend a member of the opposite sex.
Ask yourself if it is really worth your time and emotional effort to get jealous for no reason at all.
2. Remember that a small dose of jealousy is actually healthy for a relationship.
As long as it does not amount to obsessive proportions, a little jealousy is actually healthy for your marriage. The feeling of being jealous roots from the desire to preserve your relationship. It also boils down to the feeling of possessiveness towards your partner which is the result of your love for each other.
There is nothing wrong with having this feeling because it is man’s natural instinct to protect his ‘territory’. Just make sure that you know how to do it in a manner that will not be hurtful to you or to your partner. After all, your purpose is to protect your partner and preserve your relationship.
If you keep these goals in mind, you can try to not to curb your jealousy and use it in a more positive way to improve your relationship.
3. Track down the root of these feelings.
The way that you feel is the outcome of a certain situation. Ask yourself why you have a feeling of jealousy. If this feeling actually comes from an insecurity that you have it could be a feeling of shortcoming, that you are lacking in something. Or it could be a result of a deep-seated doubt that you have in about relationship with your partner.
This can also be caused by fear, or a past hurt that you have carried in to adulthood.
There are a lot of sources and endless possibilities of where this emotion may be coming from.
Try to look within yourself and find out the reason for this. Once you have determined the reason, you will have a better understanding of why you have such feelings and learn to deal with it better.
4. Keep in mind that there are other types of jealousy.
You might be jealous because of the possibility that your partner may cheating on you. It could be that you are jealous of the things that your partner has and you do not.
By going to the root of the problem, you can properly address your feelings.
5. Ask yourself about what this feeling does to your partner.
Jealousy has been known to cause breakups and rifts in a relationship.
Think how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of your partner’s jealousy. How would you feel, and how would you react?
By putting yourself in your partner’s shoes, you would learn that this might give him/her a stifling feeling which might later lead to bigger problems.
6. Have a better sense of self to prevent irrational jealousy.
If the root of your feeling stems from a low self-esteem, try to work on changing your attitude and learn to develop a greater feeling of self-worth. This would help you curb the irrational tendencies to be jealous and help heal yourself in the process.
7. Finally, you should learn to take risks.
The feeling of jealousy is also caused by a fear of being disappointed and getting hurt in the process.
In love and in life, you should learn to take risks because that is the only way that you can put yourself out there and really get to be with the one you love.
By mulling over these things, you can learn not to succumb to the feeling of jealousy and have a more stable and love-filled married life.
Happily Ever After: Just How Do You Get There?
In the real world, it’s certainly not with a magic wand. But real married life doesn’t necessarily have to be dull and gray either.
A bright and lasting marriage is very possible even after the honeymoon period. What is needed is the willingness to work at it and an even bigger will to keep on working when things get difficult – because as with any marriage, it definitely will.
A healthy marriage is a lot like a healthy body. As your body requires proper feeding, consistent exercise and sufficient rest; so does your marriage need constant reassurance, adequate time together, and steady communication.
Communication to a marriage is a lot like exercise for the body. It is what you do to make sure your relationship is in good shape.
A misconception people have over communication is that it requires words and a schedule to sit down and talk. While it is true that couples need to find time to talk on a regular basis, consistent communication goes beyond simply this.
Communication also involves non-verbal cues such as body language and with how common everyday things are done.
For example, when you see your partner crossing his arms while you’re explaining something, he may not be receptive to what you are saying. Seeing his/her body tense up when you bring up a certain topic may mean that the particular subject is causing him/her stress.
Another example of non-verbal communication is noticing how they do certain everyday things differently. An example would be when the wife is dressed up a bit nicer than usual. She may want to look special for some reason but prefers not to say it outright. When the husband spends more and more time working in the garage than he used to, he may be saying that something is bothering him, which makes him want to spend less time in the house.
Of course the meanings of these actions vary, but it is wise to be aware of them. Use these non-verbal cues as signs that your partner may want to say something, but is reluctant to talk about them for now. And then, when the time is right, be ready to take these non-verbal communications to the next level and talk about it.
As it is with your body where instant results don’t come with a few exercise sessions; the same principle applies to a marriage. Communicating now will not necessarily make everything rosy from here on end, but it will certainly pave the way to a healthy relationship much more smoothly.
A bright and lasting marriage is very possible even after the honeymoon period. What is needed is the willingness to work at it and an even bigger will to keep on working when things get difficult – because as with any marriage, it definitely will.
A healthy marriage is a lot like a healthy body. As your body requires proper feeding, consistent exercise and sufficient rest; so does your marriage need constant reassurance, adequate time together, and steady communication.
Communication to a marriage is a lot like exercise for the body. It is what you do to make sure your relationship is in good shape.
A misconception people have over communication is that it requires words and a schedule to sit down and talk. While it is true that couples need to find time to talk on a regular basis, consistent communication goes beyond simply this.
Communication also involves non-verbal cues such as body language and with how common everyday things are done.
For example, when you see your partner crossing his arms while you’re explaining something, he may not be receptive to what you are saying. Seeing his/her body tense up when you bring up a certain topic may mean that the particular subject is causing him/her stress.
Another example of non-verbal communication is noticing how they do certain everyday things differently. An example would be when the wife is dressed up a bit nicer than usual. She may want to look special for some reason but prefers not to say it outright. When the husband spends more and more time working in the garage than he used to, he may be saying that something is bothering him, which makes him want to spend less time in the house.
Of course the meanings of these actions vary, but it is wise to be aware of them. Use these non-verbal cues as signs that your partner may want to say something, but is reluctant to talk about them for now. And then, when the time is right, be ready to take these non-verbal communications to the next level and talk about it.
As it is with your body where instant results don’t come with a few exercise sessions; the same principle applies to a marriage. Communicating now will not necessarily make everything rosy from here on end, but it will certainly pave the way to a healthy relationship much more smoothly.
Never go to bed angry to improve your marriage
The Key to a solid marriage - "never go to bed angry", is a cliché that we always hear. This has proven to be very sound advice, and is a motto that many couples live by.
Marriage is the ultimate consummation for two people who are in love. Your wedding is not the "happy ending" to your love story, instead, it is just the beginning of your life together.
For a married couple who is just starting out, petty fights and arguments can not be avoided. The first few years of your marriage will be the test to determine if you can actually “live” with each other’s bad or annoying habits. The strength of your love for each other will serve as the “building block” of the rest of your years together.
During petty fights, it is good to remember that having an argument is natural. You and your spouse are two different people and you can expect your individual personalities to clash.
Here are some ways you and your spouse, as a married couple, can strengthen your bond and improve your marriage:
1. Fight if you need to
This is when the rule mentioned above will apply. As a couple, you will have arguments, disagreements, and conflicts of interest. Even a minor thing like household chores can lead to disagreements.
The key to a ‘healthy’ argument is to get everything out in the open.
Take a look at this example. During a quarrel the husband may be given the ‘cold’ shoulder by his wife. The wife thinks that her spouse is not being sensitive enough when it comes to her needs. He is caught totally unaware, but when he tries to confront the issue head-on his wife gives him the ‘silent treatment’. Eventually, their marriage will crumble because the anger on both sides is not dissipated. The wife was not able to let off ‘steam’ because she kept everything bottled up inside.
In this case, it is better if you bluntly confront the problem. Argue and fight if you need to.
At first, the two of you will be angry enough to confront each other. After you get everything out in the open, sound reasoning will rule and calmness will follow.
After the storm, the two of you should be reasonable enough to listen to each other then come up with a solution and make up. Do not worry, this may not always be the case. Your love for each other and the foundation that the two of you have established since you were married should help patch things up.
Just remember to avoid keeping your feelings all bottled up inside. If you do this, past hurts will return and might eventually cause a huge argument that will be even harder to resolve.
2. Wipe the slate clean once you make up
After the fight, make sure that you both know what started the argument in the first place.
You and your spouse might have entirely different reasons for being angry. Listen to each other and determine what caused the other to hurl accusations or hurtful words. If you are a husband exerting your ‘authority’ over your wife, she should know the way that you feel.
If your spouse was hurt by something that you did not actually mean to do. Try to explain that you would never intentionally do anything to cause her to be hurt or angry. This leads to the basis and foundation of your marriage which is mutual love and respect, and you could eventually patch things up.
3. Do not be afraid to admit if you are wrong
Pride in marriage has a very expensive price to pay. Do not put this pride between you and your spouse. If you are in the wrong, do not be afraid to admit it, then apologize.
Remember that you are together in spite of your individual differences. Go back to what brought you together in the first place and you can never go wrong.
By practicing these things and making it a habit to settle your fights before going to bed, you will have a solid and stable marriage that is based on trust and love.
Marriage is the ultimate consummation for two people who are in love. Your wedding is not the "happy ending" to your love story, instead, it is just the beginning of your life together.
For a married couple who is just starting out, petty fights and arguments can not be avoided. The first few years of your marriage will be the test to determine if you can actually “live” with each other’s bad or annoying habits. The strength of your love for each other will serve as the “building block” of the rest of your years together.
During petty fights, it is good to remember that having an argument is natural. You and your spouse are two different people and you can expect your individual personalities to clash.
Here are some ways you and your spouse, as a married couple, can strengthen your bond and improve your marriage:
1. Fight if you need to
This is when the rule mentioned above will apply. As a couple, you will have arguments, disagreements, and conflicts of interest. Even a minor thing like household chores can lead to disagreements.
The key to a ‘healthy’ argument is to get everything out in the open.
Take a look at this example. During a quarrel the husband may be given the ‘cold’ shoulder by his wife. The wife thinks that her spouse is not being sensitive enough when it comes to her needs. He is caught totally unaware, but when he tries to confront the issue head-on his wife gives him the ‘silent treatment’. Eventually, their marriage will crumble because the anger on both sides is not dissipated. The wife was not able to let off ‘steam’ because she kept everything bottled up inside.
In this case, it is better if you bluntly confront the problem. Argue and fight if you need to.
At first, the two of you will be angry enough to confront each other. After you get everything out in the open, sound reasoning will rule and calmness will follow.
After the storm, the two of you should be reasonable enough to listen to each other then come up with a solution and make up. Do not worry, this may not always be the case. Your love for each other and the foundation that the two of you have established since you were married should help patch things up.
Just remember to avoid keeping your feelings all bottled up inside. If you do this, past hurts will return and might eventually cause a huge argument that will be even harder to resolve.
2. Wipe the slate clean once you make up
After the fight, make sure that you both know what started the argument in the first place.
You and your spouse might have entirely different reasons for being angry. Listen to each other and determine what caused the other to hurl accusations or hurtful words. If you are a husband exerting your ‘authority’ over your wife, she should know the way that you feel.
If your spouse was hurt by something that you did not actually mean to do. Try to explain that you would never intentionally do anything to cause her to be hurt or angry. This leads to the basis and foundation of your marriage which is mutual love and respect, and you could eventually patch things up.
3. Do not be afraid to admit if you are wrong
Pride in marriage has a very expensive price to pay. Do not put this pride between you and your spouse. If you are in the wrong, do not be afraid to admit it, then apologize.
Remember that you are together in spite of your individual differences. Go back to what brought you together in the first place and you can never go wrong.
By practicing these things and making it a habit to settle your fights before going to bed, you will have a solid and stable marriage that is based on trust and love.
Make your Spouse Feel Special for Your Marriage to Last
Love is hemmed in by many marvelous things.
Love in marriage is a voluntary commitment of one’s self. It is a special feeling that no one can ever explain, and yet, it empowers the whole life of a person.
Certainly, if you love someone, you always want to make that special someone feel good about himself or herself. In marriage, it is also important for a person to make his or her spouse feel special in order to create a lasting marriage.
This is crucial if you do not want to be like the two million couples who end up in divorce every year. In fact, surveys show that almost 20% of married couples have the tendency to file for a divorce in the course of their first ten years of marriage.
So what is the problem here?
One of the main reasons is that some married couples have the propensity to have insecurities because they no longer feel the same “royalty treatment” that their partners had previously given them.
The only solution is to make your spouse feel the same love and affection that you have had from the time that you first laid your eyes on him or her. Make him or her fell special once more and keep that love burning so that your marriage will last.
Here is how:
1. Make spouse feel that you love him (or her) because you accept him as what he is, and not because of the things that surrounds him.
2. Never cease or fail to say, “I love you,” and be sincere when saying it.
Almost 20% of the married couples who end up in divorce contend that one of the reasons why they lost the love that they used to have is because they failed to make the other person feel and hear their love for each other.
Love should be more than words but it is still important to hear what you feel for your spouse.
3. Rendering some simple appreciations for the things that your spouse does is important.
The point that your other half knows that every effort that he or she makes is deeply appreciated is more than enough to make him (or her) special.
To be loved and to feel that you are loved are two different things. The first one is truth. The second one is an effective means of making your spouse feel that truth. It is on how one tries to make the other feel special and loved so that their marriage will last.
Love in marriage is a voluntary commitment of one’s self. It is a special feeling that no one can ever explain, and yet, it empowers the whole life of a person.
Certainly, if you love someone, you always want to make that special someone feel good about himself or herself. In marriage, it is also important for a person to make his or her spouse feel special in order to create a lasting marriage.
This is crucial if you do not want to be like the two million couples who end up in divorce every year. In fact, surveys show that almost 20% of married couples have the tendency to file for a divorce in the course of their first ten years of marriage.
So what is the problem here?
One of the main reasons is that some married couples have the propensity to have insecurities because they no longer feel the same “royalty treatment” that their partners had previously given them.
The only solution is to make your spouse feel the same love and affection that you have had from the time that you first laid your eyes on him or her. Make him or her fell special once more and keep that love burning so that your marriage will last.
Here is how:
1. Make spouse feel that you love him (or her) because you accept him as what he is, and not because of the things that surrounds him.
2. Never cease or fail to say, “I love you,” and be sincere when saying it.
Almost 20% of the married couples who end up in divorce contend that one of the reasons why they lost the love that they used to have is because they failed to make the other person feel and hear their love for each other.
Love should be more than words but it is still important to hear what you feel for your spouse.
3. Rendering some simple appreciations for the things that your spouse does is important.
The point that your other half knows that every effort that he or she makes is deeply appreciated is more than enough to make him (or her) special.
To be loved and to feel that you are loved are two different things. The first one is truth. The second one is an effective means of making your spouse feel that truth. It is on how one tries to make the other feel special and loved so that their marriage will last.
Improving Marriage: Establishing 4 Important Marital Goals
Many marriages could have been saved all the troubles and hardships by maintaining a healthy relationship the couple started establishing their marital goals early in the relationship. Communication has always been one of the main factors in need to hold a relationship together. Sharing your view on every important aspect in marriage is not only needed but is expected from both of you.
The Family That Prays Together Stays Together.
The phrase above is so cliché, but religion has always been one of the major reasons for disagreements between couples. If the partners are of different faiths – such as protestant and catholic- one or the other may, or may not wish to attend the partner’s church every Sunday. Attending the church of his/her faith is important to them. While this does not seem to be a concern for some couples, it often results in being separated when Sunday arrives, and can result in a major distance between the couple that cannot be easily resolved.
Religion should be discussed early in the relationship. Questions arise like: how often will they go to mass (if catholic); what religion will they be practicing; and if there have children, in which faith will they be raised? How they handle the different religions is crucial. These are basic questions that need to be answered before the couple is married.
Spouse = Best Friend
One’s spouse should always be his/her best friend. It does not mean blocking out other friends from coming into your life but more with taking each other for granted. There should always be constant communication, whether it’s as simple as a gossip that one or the other has heard or as serious as one’s hope and aspirations. Having a lengthy and enjoyable discussion with one’s wife/husband and understanding how they feel is very important in a lasting relationship.
There should also be a set time allowed for just having fun, something to bring back the spark in relationship. It could be as simple as jogging together at the park, or walking the dog together. It could be a romantic date or something special that has been planned in advance. This will bring about strong and healthy relationship.
Money, Money, Money
Money is nearly always the primary problem of any couple. It is not just a case of how to earn money but how should they spend it.
First, how will a couple earn their money? What kind of jobs will they have and what hours will they be working? These are simple questions but will have a big impact on the couple’s life. Another question is will they allow the other to work or is one’s salary enough for the family?
Lastly, how will a couple spend money? Daily needs, such as food, clothes, water and electricity are a given. Those are the necessities one needs to survive. There are, of course, other things to consider. Should couples start saving for their child’s education (if there have children)? How much of their earnings should go into their savings and how much of their savings will they spend for family fun and activities?
Fruit of Love
Children, if there are any, should always be a part of a couple’s goals. It is important to know and to understand each other’s feelings when it comes to parenting. How many children do you want? Is adoption an option if the couple can’t bear a child? Those questions are necessary for a couple to answer before they will be ready for a child.
Other questions couples should ask themselves, include how to discipline a child; should the mother scold the child or should the father be the strict one; will the home be full of rules or should they just let their children learn on their own, with guidance every step of the way?
Another point to consider is how their careers will be affected by having children. Supervision of the children when they are young is another consideration. Should one parent resign their current job and find a higher paying job so that the other could stay home and raise the child properly?
A couple’s marital goals, whether short-term or long-term, are necessary to make sure that they’re going to be on the right track with their marriage. It is not enough that they know for certain that something will happen. They have to be prepared for it and be willing to sacrifice for the marriage to work.
The Family That Prays Together Stays Together.
The phrase above is so cliché, but religion has always been one of the major reasons for disagreements between couples. If the partners are of different faiths – such as protestant and catholic- one or the other may, or may not wish to attend the partner’s church every Sunday. Attending the church of his/her faith is important to them. While this does not seem to be a concern for some couples, it often results in being separated when Sunday arrives, and can result in a major distance between the couple that cannot be easily resolved.
Religion should be discussed early in the relationship. Questions arise like: how often will they go to mass (if catholic); what religion will they be practicing; and if there have children, in which faith will they be raised? How they handle the different religions is crucial. These are basic questions that need to be answered before the couple is married.
Spouse = Best Friend
One’s spouse should always be his/her best friend. It does not mean blocking out other friends from coming into your life but more with taking each other for granted. There should always be constant communication, whether it’s as simple as a gossip that one or the other has heard or as serious as one’s hope and aspirations. Having a lengthy and enjoyable discussion with one’s wife/husband and understanding how they feel is very important in a lasting relationship.
There should also be a set time allowed for just having fun, something to bring back the spark in relationship. It could be as simple as jogging together at the park, or walking the dog together. It could be a romantic date or something special that has been planned in advance. This will bring about strong and healthy relationship.
Money, Money, Money
Money is nearly always the primary problem of any couple. It is not just a case of how to earn money but how should they spend it.
First, how will a couple earn their money? What kind of jobs will they have and what hours will they be working? These are simple questions but will have a big impact on the couple’s life. Another question is will they allow the other to work or is one’s salary enough for the family?
Lastly, how will a couple spend money? Daily needs, such as food, clothes, water and electricity are a given. Those are the necessities one needs to survive. There are, of course, other things to consider. Should couples start saving for their child’s education (if there have children)? How much of their earnings should go into their savings and how much of their savings will they spend for family fun and activities?
Fruit of Love
Children, if there are any, should always be a part of a couple’s goals. It is important to know and to understand each other’s feelings when it comes to parenting. How many children do you want? Is adoption an option if the couple can’t bear a child? Those questions are necessary for a couple to answer before they will be ready for a child.
Other questions couples should ask themselves, include how to discipline a child; should the mother scold the child or should the father be the strict one; will the home be full of rules or should they just let their children learn on their own, with guidance every step of the way?
Another point to consider is how their careers will be affected by having children. Supervision of the children when they are young is another consideration. Should one parent resign their current job and find a higher paying job so that the other could stay home and raise the child properly?
A couple’s marital goals, whether short-term or long-term, are necessary to make sure that they’re going to be on the right track with their marriage. It is not enough that they know for certain that something will happen. They have to be prepared for it and be willing to sacrifice for the marriage to work.
How to have a good relationship with your spouse
It has been said often that 50 percent of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. Whether couples choose to believe this astronomical figure or not is another matter, given that this has been subject to debate. But one thing is for sure: there's no denying that divorce is prevalent in this country. This is why it is important for married couples to take steps in preventing this unfortunate end.
Communication is key
One of the things that becomes a source of problems for married couples is lack of communication. This is true especially of men, who are notorious for not expressing their feelings. A lot of arguments can be avoided simply by talking things out. Couples should be open to each other about the problems and difficulties they are encountering. They should start communicating before it reaches a critical point and becomes a full blown fight.
Don't neglect your spouse
Sometimes problems arise when one spouse feels invalidated. When a spouse feels that he or she is not getting enough attention from the other person, or that they are being taken for granted, this starts to take its toll on the relationship. Over time this unspoken problem will manifest itself putting a strain in that relationship.
Married couples need constant reassurance from each other. They should take the time to listen, and talk to each other. In order to have a healthy relationship, husbands and wives should make the effort to meet each other's emotional needs.
Do not wait until small issues become big problems
When a spouse expresses dissatisfaction over something, the other person should take the time to listen and address the problem whether it is the other person's behavior that is bothering them, lack of emotional support, or financial needs.
Issues that arise should not be ignored, because they will not go away! It is best to tackle these problems from the start, so couples can start working on a solution!
Married couples need to work on their marriage.
Entering into marriage is like signing a contract with another person that states that they are going to build a life together. This means that whatever problems and difficulties come along, they both have to tackle and solve them together. Marriage is not a guarantee of a life of bliss. Remember that it is a constant work in progress.
It is important for married couples to get along with each other in order to have a successful marriage. This is why the couple should be willing to compromise and do their best to work out their differences.
Communication is key
One of the things that becomes a source of problems for married couples is lack of communication. This is true especially of men, who are notorious for not expressing their feelings. A lot of arguments can be avoided simply by talking things out. Couples should be open to each other about the problems and difficulties they are encountering. They should start communicating before it reaches a critical point and becomes a full blown fight.
Don't neglect your spouse
Sometimes problems arise when one spouse feels invalidated. When a spouse feels that he or she is not getting enough attention from the other person, or that they are being taken for granted, this starts to take its toll on the relationship. Over time this unspoken problem will manifest itself putting a strain in that relationship.
Married couples need constant reassurance from each other. They should take the time to listen, and talk to each other. In order to have a healthy relationship, husbands and wives should make the effort to meet each other's emotional needs.
Do not wait until small issues become big problems
When a spouse expresses dissatisfaction over something, the other person should take the time to listen and address the problem whether it is the other person's behavior that is bothering them, lack of emotional support, or financial needs.
Issues that arise should not be ignored, because they will not go away! It is best to tackle these problems from the start, so couples can start working on a solution!
Married couples need to work on their marriage.
Entering into marriage is like signing a contract with another person that states that they are going to build a life together. This means that whatever problems and difficulties come along, they both have to tackle and solve them together. Marriage is not a guarantee of a life of bliss. Remember that it is a constant work in progress.
It is important for married couples to get along with each other in order to have a successful marriage. This is why the couple should be willing to compromise and do their best to work out their differences.
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