A well-balanced marriage is vital in keeping a couple happy and focused. To get this done, some might think that each partner needs to do their own thing.
Others stress the importance of setting aside time for exclusive dates instead. Actually, both measures are helpful to the growth of your marriage.
However, you can't do just either one - a couple needs to have time apart and time together to round out their relationship.
Like we said, it's about keeping things balanced to maintain the growth of each partner involved. It also prolongs the life of the marriage. You need to do both things for a number of valid reasons.
Ask any couple, and they'll tell you that their marriage is hardly perfect. You'll probably get an earful about how much work it takes to keep the machinery running, so to speak. While that's a valid point, all work and no play presents more risks than you might think.
When it comes to the individual partner, he/she needs time to unwind from the routine of daily responsibilities. Any type of work requires the occasional break, and being a spouse and a parent is no different.
While the spirit might be willing, your mind and body can only go so far without some rest in between.
Never forget the physical component of your being. Who we are inside may be the most important thing, but none of us can deny the reality that our bodies need rest.
Repeated stress injury isn't limited to spending too much time in front of a computer. It can also extend to the daily routine of work, running errands and looking after the kids.
Thus, taking time off puts a nice little break in your regular schedule and helps preserve good judgment and sanity. There's no guilt to be found in wanting to be alone from time to time.
It's simply acknowledging the basic need to find yourself after getting caught up in your everyday tasks. It's very easy to forget about your own needs when you've got so much on your mind.
You might think that with so much to do, there's simply no time for anything else. Yet, you are the one responsible for your affairs, so it's up to you to MAKE time to decompress.
Schedule a little break after the kids have gone off to bed, or maybe if you have a free hour to burn before your partner gets home at night.
It's your schedule, so you're the best person to know when you can squeeze in a short intermission from your full-time role in the family. Find something you like and do it when time permits.
Take a 45-minute bike ride around the neighborhood, read that magazine or book you've been dying to finish, pour a glass of wine and listen to a favorite album, or sweat out your stress through one of those Pilates home videos.
Think of anything that interests you greatly and devote a brief but regular amount of time to do it everyday. The point is to take your mind off the things you have to deal with on a daily basis.
Stress can quietly sneak its way into anyone, and before you know it, you're burned out and can't function enough to do anything productive.
This is the importance of finding an outlet. Like it or not, stress accumulates and the time will come when something has to give. Don't let it be your patience or your health.
Can you really be a good spouse or parent with bloodshot eyes and a brain that's been reduced to mush?
Without a chance to rest, your thoughts will dull out and it won't take much for you to snap at the people you love.
A refreshed spouse is a happy spouse. Sometimes, stepping back and doing some introspection is important in revitalizing yourself.
On the other hand, special alone time as a couple is equally important. The chances of marital burnout are greater than you think.
Even if you might not feel it now, never underestimate the importance of prevention. The habit of keeping something from breaking down is less stressful than fixing it.
In a nutshell, making time for each other allows you to reconnect with your partner on an emotional and physical level. It's absolutely necessary to remember how you were as a couple before you started taking care of the kids, the household chores and the bills.
It's easy to forget the reasons why you signed up for better or worse. It's even easier to lose sight of all the wonderful things that you first saw in each other.
Getting away together for a date (or an out-of-town vacation, budget permitting) helps you renew your enthusiasm in being dedicated to your relationship.
It's useful in remembering the special little qualities which endeared you to one another. In short, some retrospect helps clear up the murkiness of the present.
Somewhere along the way, a couple can easily deprive themselves of the love which they first built their marriage on. Of course, effective communication is a must, but blowing off some steam together won't hurt at all.
Think something along the lines of a shared activity like sports if you're into that kind of thing, or just some time to collectively NOT think about the things eating away at your peace of mind.
It doesn't necessarily solve whatever issues you have to deal with afterwards, but it renews your strength to do so.
Lastly, this two-step de-stressing strategy also keeps a marriage from falling into infidelity. It might be hard to relate cheating to spending time together, but there is a connection.
Look at it this way: if you don't find a way to keep your stress level down, the resentment is bound to build up.
It's a natural part of being married. You will inevitably run into some differences in the way each of you approach issues, and too much built-up hostility can eventually drive you away from each other.
It's not a far-off possibility for either one of you to seek love elsewhere. That's exactly why you need to keep that "falling in love" part of your relationship alive, no matter what stage it's at.
The lust stage may have passed in your relationship, but it doesn't mean that you should stop making an effort to connect with one another.
It's perfectly normal (and expected even) for the tides in a marriage to change over time. One moment, you're head over heels and then suddenly you're arguing over the direction of your relationship.
It happens to all couples, but not all couples find the time to rediscover one another. That makes a huge difference between staying faithful - and otherwise.
As far as the big picture is concerned, keeping a marriage in good shape requires you to channel your stress on both levels: as individuals and as a couple.
Before you allow your stress to build up, consider the many ways you can both work on reframing your stress and finding ways to overcome it.
A problem shared is a problem halved. And it all takes you one step closer to your goal of greater marital unity.
Showing posts with label good marital relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label good marital relationship. Show all posts
Do you feel you and your spouse are growing apart?
I received an email from a member the other day who has been married for a number of years before marital problems started to arise. The couple separated for a length of time before re-examining the relationship and getting some help. This couple undertook counseling before one partner pulled out, and the separation continued for another length of time before efforts were again made to repair the relationship.
This game of cat and mouse, going to counseling before continuing the separation for another length of time has been going on for a number of years now, and the client who wrote to me is at the limit of his patience. Divorce has been discussed, but the partner who continued to back away from repairing the relationship seemed reluctant to end the relationship. As far as the effort goes, it has been very one-sided, and decisions now need to be made if this relationship is going to survive, or whether both of these people need closure. The idea of effort coming from one side only is a common scenario, which is why I feel this is especially relevant.
I felt that the response to this client is worthy of sharing with so many other couples out there in similarly harrowing circumstances.
Here is my response:
Hi there,
Thanks for your email.
From my calculations, you have been living apart for a number of years. This is a significant obstacle to you and your partner getting back together, and every month you continue to live apart the more difficult a chance of reconciliation is. Your partner's fear of being rejected and the marriage not working out again is irrational. In shying away from her fears, she is letting her fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The issue here is that your wife is unwilling to put the effort in, and for some reason her fears are holding her back. In addition to this, the time that you have spent apart is significant. You have both grown accustomed to living as single people, and any change to this situation now is going to require a huge life adjustment.
This is not about picking up your marriage where you left off. This is about creating a new relationship with your wife, with new rules and new intentions. This is an opportunity to get to know each other all over again.
This situation has been allowed to fester for far too long. A separation should never be longer than a few months, and the problem with splitting for several years is that she has grown accustomed to life without you. She may even like her single life. She may also be scared about living with you again.
You need to move forward or you need closure. She doesn't want to try to save your marriage but she doesn't want to be the one responsible for ending it either.
You need to tell her that she is living her fears in her reluctance to try and save your marriage. Giving things another go is a huge leap of faith, and she needs to take strength that you believe in her enough to have faith in your marriage. If she doesn't share that faith then it is time to respond with love.
Thank her for being your wife. Thank her for giving you the years of happiness that you had together. Tell her you will always be her friend. But if she doesn't want to live with you anymore then it is time to walk away and give this terminal relationship some closure.
Love is not always possession.
This game of cat and mouse, going to counseling before continuing the separation for another length of time has been going on for a number of years now, and the client who wrote to me is at the limit of his patience. Divorce has been discussed, but the partner who continued to back away from repairing the relationship seemed reluctant to end the relationship. As far as the effort goes, it has been very one-sided, and decisions now need to be made if this relationship is going to survive, or whether both of these people need closure. The idea of effort coming from one side only is a common scenario, which is why I feel this is especially relevant.
I felt that the response to this client is worthy of sharing with so many other couples out there in similarly harrowing circumstances.
Here is my response:
Hi there,
Thanks for your email.
From my calculations, you have been living apart for a number of years. This is a significant obstacle to you and your partner getting back together, and every month you continue to live apart the more difficult a chance of reconciliation is. Your partner's fear of being rejected and the marriage not working out again is irrational. In shying away from her fears, she is letting her fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The issue here is that your wife is unwilling to put the effort in, and for some reason her fears are holding her back. In addition to this, the time that you have spent apart is significant. You have both grown accustomed to living as single people, and any change to this situation now is going to require a huge life adjustment.
This is not about picking up your marriage where you left off. This is about creating a new relationship with your wife, with new rules and new intentions. This is an opportunity to get to know each other all over again.
This situation has been allowed to fester for far too long. A separation should never be longer than a few months, and the problem with splitting for several years is that she has grown accustomed to life without you. She may even like her single life. She may also be scared about living with you again.
You need to move forward or you need closure. She doesn't want to try to save your marriage but she doesn't want to be the one responsible for ending it either.
You need to tell her that she is living her fears in her reluctance to try and save your marriage. Giving things another go is a huge leap of faith, and she needs to take strength that you believe in her enough to have faith in your marriage. If she doesn't share that faith then it is time to respond with love.
Thank her for being your wife. Thank her for giving you the years of happiness that you had together. Tell her you will always be her friend. But if she doesn't want to live with you anymore then it is time to walk away and give this terminal relationship some closure.
Love is not always possession.
Improving Marriage: Establishing 4 Important Marital Goals
Many marriages could have been saved all the troubles and hardships by maintaining a healthy relationship the couple started establishing their marital goals early in the relationship. Communication has always been one of the main factors in need to hold a relationship together. Sharing your view on every important aspect in marriage is not only needed but is expected from both of you.
The Family That Prays Together Stays Together.
The phrase above is so cliché, but religion has always been one of the major reasons for disagreements between couples. If the partners are of different faiths – such as protestant and catholic- one or the other may, or may not wish to attend the partner’s church every Sunday. Attending the church of his/her faith is important to them. While this does not seem to be a concern for some couples, it often results in being separated when Sunday arrives, and can result in a major distance between the couple that cannot be easily resolved.
Religion should be discussed early in the relationship. Questions arise like: how often will they go to mass (if catholic); what religion will they be practicing; and if there have children, in which faith will they be raised? How they handle the different religions is crucial. These are basic questions that need to be answered before the couple is married.
Spouse = Best Friend
One’s spouse should always be his/her best friend. It does not mean blocking out other friends from coming into your life but more with taking each other for granted. There should always be constant communication, whether it’s as simple as a gossip that one or the other has heard or as serious as one’s hope and aspirations. Having a lengthy and enjoyable discussion with one’s wife/husband and understanding how they feel is very important in a lasting relationship.
There should also be a set time allowed for just having fun, something to bring back the spark in relationship. It could be as simple as jogging together at the park, or walking the dog together. It could be a romantic date or something special that has been planned in advance. This will bring about strong and healthy relationship.
Money, Money, Money
Money is nearly always the primary problem of any couple. It is not just a case of how to earn money but how should they spend it.
First, how will a couple earn their money? What kind of jobs will they have and what hours will they be working? These are simple questions but will have a big impact on the couple’s life. Another question is will they allow the other to work or is one’s salary enough for the family?
Lastly, how will a couple spend money? Daily needs, such as food, clothes, water and electricity are a given. Those are the necessities one needs to survive. There are, of course, other things to consider. Should couples start saving for their child’s education (if there have children)? How much of their earnings should go into their savings and how much of their savings will they spend for family fun and activities?
Fruit of Love
Children, if there are any, should always be a part of a couple’s goals. It is important to know and to understand each other’s feelings when it comes to parenting. How many children do you want? Is adoption an option if the couple can’t bear a child? Those questions are necessary for a couple to answer before they will be ready for a child.
Other questions couples should ask themselves, include how to discipline a child; should the mother scold the child or should the father be the strict one; will the home be full of rules or should they just let their children learn on their own, with guidance every step of the way?
Another point to consider is how their careers will be affected by having children. Supervision of the children when they are young is another consideration. Should one parent resign their current job and find a higher paying job so that the other could stay home and raise the child properly?
A couple’s marital goals, whether short-term or long-term, are necessary to make sure that they’re going to be on the right track with their marriage. It is not enough that they know for certain that something will happen. They have to be prepared for it and be willing to sacrifice for the marriage to work.
The Family That Prays Together Stays Together.
The phrase above is so cliché, but religion has always been one of the major reasons for disagreements between couples. If the partners are of different faiths – such as protestant and catholic- one or the other may, or may not wish to attend the partner’s church every Sunday. Attending the church of his/her faith is important to them. While this does not seem to be a concern for some couples, it often results in being separated when Sunday arrives, and can result in a major distance between the couple that cannot be easily resolved.
Religion should be discussed early in the relationship. Questions arise like: how often will they go to mass (if catholic); what religion will they be practicing; and if there have children, in which faith will they be raised? How they handle the different religions is crucial. These are basic questions that need to be answered before the couple is married.
Spouse = Best Friend
One’s spouse should always be his/her best friend. It does not mean blocking out other friends from coming into your life but more with taking each other for granted. There should always be constant communication, whether it’s as simple as a gossip that one or the other has heard or as serious as one’s hope and aspirations. Having a lengthy and enjoyable discussion with one’s wife/husband and understanding how they feel is very important in a lasting relationship.
There should also be a set time allowed for just having fun, something to bring back the spark in relationship. It could be as simple as jogging together at the park, or walking the dog together. It could be a romantic date or something special that has been planned in advance. This will bring about strong and healthy relationship.
Money, Money, Money
Money is nearly always the primary problem of any couple. It is not just a case of how to earn money but how should they spend it.
First, how will a couple earn their money? What kind of jobs will they have and what hours will they be working? These are simple questions but will have a big impact on the couple’s life. Another question is will they allow the other to work or is one’s salary enough for the family?
Lastly, how will a couple spend money? Daily needs, such as food, clothes, water and electricity are a given. Those are the necessities one needs to survive. There are, of course, other things to consider. Should couples start saving for their child’s education (if there have children)? How much of their earnings should go into their savings and how much of their savings will they spend for family fun and activities?
Fruit of Love
Children, if there are any, should always be a part of a couple’s goals. It is important to know and to understand each other’s feelings when it comes to parenting. How many children do you want? Is adoption an option if the couple can’t bear a child? Those questions are necessary for a couple to answer before they will be ready for a child.
Other questions couples should ask themselves, include how to discipline a child; should the mother scold the child or should the father be the strict one; will the home be full of rules or should they just let their children learn on their own, with guidance every step of the way?
Another point to consider is how their careers will be affected by having children. Supervision of the children when they are young is another consideration. Should one parent resign their current job and find a higher paying job so that the other could stay home and raise the child properly?
A couple’s marital goals, whether short-term or long-term, are necessary to make sure that they’re going to be on the right track with their marriage. It is not enough that they know for certain that something will happen. They have to be prepared for it and be willing to sacrifice for the marriage to work.
Traits Of Happy Married Couples
Based on statistics, successful marriages are becoming very rare. In fact, one in every three marriages usually ends up in divorce.
Married couples and experts do agree that the magical yet simple element in all relationships is the constant demonstration of one’s affection.
Researches show that what produces pleasure and contentment in one’s marriage was frequently demonstrating affection.
Happy married couples have reciprocal respect for each other. Respect is shown in the way they regard each other in actions and in words; withholding humiliating words even in an argument.
In marriage, couples give their relationship utmost importance. They enjoy each other’s company and spend quality time together, like dating regularly. This indicates prioritizing their relationship that plants a foundation for their future at such time as when children have to leave home.
Each spouse must learn not to give importance to minor faults and flaws; determine the really important issues and those that are not. They become aware that the purpose or their conflicts war not really to win, but rather to establish a deeper relationship.
Successful marriages are all not alike. But researchers have discovered that there are some traits present in happy married couples that contribute to the success of their marriage.
Traits that of happily married couples include:
1. Spouses in the relationship are giving. They give, not expecting things in return.
2. There is commitment between each of them. They continue to work for their partner’s happiness and are driven to work hard on their marriage.
3. Being strong-minded makes their bond stronger. While they cherish their individuality in expressing their opinions, making decisions and pursuing goals, putting their marital relationship in harmony is their priority.
4. These couples have active sexual lives. Sex plays a significant role in marriage, therefore they always find ways to make it more pleasurable.
5. There is constant communication in their marriage. They are free to share their thoughts and opinions about anything, each one not manipulative of the other but allowing each one to grow.
6. Each one is sensitive to the other’s need.
7. They establish goals together. They agree on their goals as “partners in life”.
Marriage is a commitment for courageous individuals ready to risk their emotions, hard work, and challenges of building a life together.
Married couples and experts do agree that the magical yet simple element in all relationships is the constant demonstration of one’s affection.
Researches show that what produces pleasure and contentment in one’s marriage was frequently demonstrating affection.
Happy married couples have reciprocal respect for each other. Respect is shown in the way they regard each other in actions and in words; withholding humiliating words even in an argument.
In marriage, couples give their relationship utmost importance. They enjoy each other’s company and spend quality time together, like dating regularly. This indicates prioritizing their relationship that plants a foundation for their future at such time as when children have to leave home.
Each spouse must learn not to give importance to minor faults and flaws; determine the really important issues and those that are not. They become aware that the purpose or their conflicts war not really to win, but rather to establish a deeper relationship.Successful marriages are all not alike. But researchers have discovered that there are some traits present in happy married couples that contribute to the success of their marriage.
Traits that of happily married couples include:
1. Spouses in the relationship are giving. They give, not expecting things in return.
2. There is commitment between each of them. They continue to work for their partner’s happiness and are driven to work hard on their marriage.
3. Being strong-minded makes their bond stronger. While they cherish their individuality in expressing their opinions, making decisions and pursuing goals, putting their marital relationship in harmony is their priority.
4. These couples have active sexual lives. Sex plays a significant role in marriage, therefore they always find ways to make it more pleasurable.
5. There is constant communication in their marriage. They are free to share their thoughts and opinions about anything, each one not manipulative of the other but allowing each one to grow.
6. Each one is sensitive to the other’s need.
7. They establish goals together. They agree on their goals as “partners in life”.
Marriage is a commitment for courageous individuals ready to risk their emotions, hard work, and challenges of building a life together.
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