When Is The Last Time You Listened?

It may sound simple, but it's true.

"Listen, learn, live."

Even though people think they know everything they need to know about a marriage problem, I will let you in on a little secret... THEY DON"T!

It's so frustrating how people don't listen to their partners when they are in conflict situations. Saying that, the ability to listen in conflict situations is difficult unless you are aware of your need to listen carefully. You may be anticipating what they are saying and rehearsing your reply, you may be retreating back within yourself and protecting yourself from hurtful comments, or you may be concentrating on ways to hurt your partner in reaction to the hurt you are feeling.

Listening is a crucial skill however, and none as important as when you are in a crisis situation with your partner. In order to understand your partner's perspective you need to understand what they are trying to tell you. It can be hard enough in a conflict situation to make sense of what is being said, as your partner may or may not express their feelings in a clear manner.

However, if you are unprepared to listen, you are going to be unable to resolve this conflict and address the issues that have arisen in your relationship. If you are serious about resolving conflicts and dealing with your issues so that you can rebuild your marriage, you need to develop skills to listen.

Listening is part of your commitment to your partner. If you are able to listen carefully to your partner, you are firstly showing them respect by letting them voice their opinion. You are also able to show your commitment to resolving your issues in an appropriate manner. You are able to put aside your own interests and agendas and look at issues through your partner's eyes. Quite often the ability to listen attentively to your partner will help save a lot of time and misunderstanding. A lot of conflict arises as a result of misunderstanding, and attentive listening goes a long way towards combating this.

But there is a lot more to it than simply sitting quietly while your partner has their say. You actually need to process the information that your partner is giving you. This is more complicated than it sounds. There are a lot of barriers that inhibit your ability to fully process the information that your partner is giving you.

These include:

Filtering
This is when you listen to some things and not others. People filter when they either start to hear something they don't like to hear, or if they assume that they don't need to respond to their partner. For many, it is a classic self-defense tactic.

Daydreaming or zoning out
It's hard to stay focused all the time, and occasionally your attention can wander. This is especially common if you have a lot on your mind. If your partner is talking about something that you are not particularly interested in or want to avoid, you may zone out to avoid having to deal with it.

Holding your position
You may be so hell-bent on maintaining your position in an argument that nothing you hear is going to change your opinion. For many couples it is a case of foolish pride that prevents them from changing their stance or backing down. It also means that they stop listening to any other opinion other than their own.

Advising
Your keenness to smooth the problem over and fix it derails any opportunity for your partner to voice their feelings. Your eagerness to resolve the conflict and smooth things over prevents your partner from expressing their frustration, hurt or anger and prevents you from learning from this conflict and addressing the real issues. Slow down, listen to your partner's concerns, and then act. There is plenty of time to solve the conflict properly.

Distracting or derailing
You change the subject or make a joke to take the attention away from the issue that is being raised. This often happens when people feel uncomfortable discussing a subject.

Next time you are discussing an issue or having an exchange of opinions, have a think about how you are listening to your partner.

Are you employing any of these strategies?

What topics do you have the most trouble listening to?

Assess your listening skills next time you are communicating with your partner. Awareness of these blocks to your listening is the first step to better communication and saving marriages.