Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. After all, in a room with two people there would also be two different perspectives, two sets of beliefs, two different expectations and motivations.
It is not so much the fact that you and your partner will have conflicting opinions and points of view from time to time but your attitude towards this conflict that could spell the difference between having a marriage fraught with tension or a relationship you can continue to trust in spite of disagreements.
There was a movie released back in the late 80's starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner titled "The War of the Roses". It was a dark comedy about how a couple's marriage grew steadily worse due to conflict - in their case, a bitter fight about material possessions.
In the end, their relationship had deteriorated to such violent proportions that their pride, anger and one-upmanship against each other resulted in them fighting themselves to death.
Again, the film was meant to be a comedy but it was a classic example of how two people in a marriage could not sit down and work through their differences. Of course, it is no laughing matter in real life when husband and wife find themselves stuck in constant bickering and feuding.
First and foremost, understand yourself and how you deal with conflict. What makes you react the way you do? Is it too much or too little expectation? Is it simply a lack of control over your emotions?
At the same time, as you try to understand yourself, take a look at conflict from your spouse's point of view.
What causes him or her to react the way he or she does?
Is it simply a matter of being overwhelmed by the daily grind?
Could it be that she feels left alone by you?
Both of you must realize that these reactions come from SOMEWHERE. Possibly from your childhood or ingrained from patterns your parents exhibited.
Once you understand, then you will be able to anticipate and control your reactions. The maxim "Look before you leap" has never been truer than in situations of conflict.
Secondly, do you realize that there are numerous techniques available to you to deal with and resolve conflict?
Rather than resort to escalating blame, shaming and voice raising, you and your spouse can actually sit down and negotiate and mutually come to an agreement. The insights brought on by your mutual introspection above come into play here.
How then do you use what you have come to understand about the situation and about how your partner reacts to work out with your partner a proactive plan of action?
Choosing to be proactive means that you and your partner will always try to actively look for a positive outcome to your conflict situation.
It means that somewhere along the road, you can both sit down again and reevaluate whether what you have put in place still actually works and benefits you both or whether it's time to change your approach.
For more tools and suggestions on how to deal with conflict, we cover this in a section of the Save My Marriage Today! course.
There, you will discover powerful secrets on how to keep your marriage intact through crisis after crisis. The book also shares with you insights and tools about how to recover the love in your relationship even after a conflict situation.
Get your conflict insights here.
Yes, it's possible for a couple to bounce back and rekindle the love and trust they have for each other even if your relationship has been approaching "The War of the Roses" proportions.
The way to do this is not far from the preparatory techniques we have shared previously. Communication, negotiation and focusing on a positive outcome are still key elements. But, in a touchy situation where a rift of anger or tension has driven a couple apart, several key factors also come into play.
First, getting your emotions under control. More often than not, anger comes into play during times of conflict. There's just something about this or that situation that riles us up.
Well, if one truly wants to make a marriage work even after a crisis situation, dealing with that anger is paramount. While anger is an emotion that tells you that you feel strongly about something, what you do with that anger is infinitely more important.
Will you react negatively or positively? Which is better, lashing out at your spouse or transforming your intense emotions into a desire to make things better?
Second, forgiveness. One would think that the couple is called to forgive each other right after a conflict situation. Sure, that's encouraged but we realize that sometimes, forgiveness takes a while. That's ok.
A crisis situation may not require instant fixing but more a cooling off time where each partner can gather their wits about them. More than being called to forgive each other right away, however, each one is also called to forgive themselves.
Acknowledging how each one hurt the other - from a position of accountability rather than blame enables each partner to take responsibility for their marriage and opens up the possibility of coming to understand why the conflict happened and moving on from there.
Taking this position of humility could, in fact, actually make forgiving each other more real and sincere.
Love is a doing word
If you want love back in your marriage even after a conflict situation, you must be first to give it. Love to be loved. Act how you feel and how you want your marriage to turn out.
It is not even a matter of waiting for your partner to make the effort. It begins with you! This is the secret.
Do some acts of loving everyday. They don't have to be grand or spectacular. They just have to be simple and sincere.
If there's anything we would like you to remember to rebuild love in your struggling marriage, it's this: Become loving to be lovable and you may soon see your marriage moving from "The War of the Roses" to coming up roses.
Showing posts with label help save marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label help save marriage. Show all posts
Recognizing marital conflicts and solving them fast
Annie and Glenn were considered the perfect couple of the year when they were married in a small but picturesque chapel in Santa Monica two years ago. Annie was a 24 year old career girl while Glenn was on his way to becoming a successful lawyer.
That was then when they were still carefree individuals who got involved in their relationship for a little fun and companionship. Marriage has made a very big difference in their lives. It seems to have ruined what they call magic.
Both have attained their career goals. Annie now writes her own column in a business magazine while Glenn has been recruited by a top notch law firm. Their careers are going great; their marriage however is another story.
Both are so busy with their own lives that they seem to have started growing apart. Most of their hours are spent at work, and on the rare occasions they see each other, they spend much of it in a shouting match.
Annie and Glenn's dilemma is not uncommon to many married couple; in fact it is the rule rather than the exception. Married couples sometimes ask themselves why they are capable of doing things that could hurt the other spouse, despite the fact that they love each other so much.
It is true when they say it is the person you love the most that can hurt you the most. This is true for most married couple who have not yet found a way to settle their differences and live with their then.
Arguments are part and parcel of being married but it is up to the couple to find ways to lessen the frequency and the intensity of the argument. Sometimes, couples think having the same argument over and over again is a normal thing in marriage. Of course, it is a normal thing but it should not be a so.
Common sources of conflict among married couples
It is hard to live with another person because each one has his own personality and each person was brought up by their families differently. Conflicts arise when two personalities and two ways of life merge - each one wanting to be dominant.
The main reason married couples have arguments is because they are two different people forced to live physically together, regardless of their quirks and personality. Unless you are a boring creature who does not want surprises, then you would find it fun to live with a person who is just like you and so predictable that you do not even speak to each other because one is aware of what other is thinking. Others believe differently, believing that when two people are so alike there is no need for the other,
But there are specific issues that are pointed to as the common source of conflict and argument among married couples.
1. Money - Who does not need money? Of course everyone does, and the lack of excess of financial means will always serve as a launching pad for conflict. A couple who does not have enough money will have conflicts with budgeting and managing their finances. On the other hand, a couple who have plenty of resources will still quarrel over how the money is being spent..
2. Jealousy - A jealous lover adds sizzle to romance but when jealousy goes overboard it can make your married life miserable. A little jealousy will help make the relationship exciting but too much of it will alienate one spouse from the jealous spouse. People who have jealous spouses tend to curtail their emotional and intellectual development.
3. Sex - The lack or excess of sexual activity is also a source of conflict for married couples. Couples who have the same sexual preferences are lucky. For most couples incompatibility of their sexual desires is often the underlying reason for conflicts that are manifested in other ways.
4. In-laws - There are couples who incessantly quarrel just because of domineering in-laws who are interfering with the marriage. A couple may be living away from the in-laws but there are ways in-laws manage to ruin the marriage. It is really up to the spouses to inform their own families about the limitation that are to be observed to keep the marriage healthy and far from in-laws interference.
5. Responsibility - Who is in charge of cleaning the house? Who is in charge of paying for the monthly bills or the groceries? These are little things that boil down to the delegation of responsibilities between the spouses. It will be good if spouses can talk about who should be responsible for all the things necessary to keep the marriage on an even keel..
There are other sources of conflict, most of them originating from the basic sources of conflict. Couples should be aware of the things that cause conflict between them so they can find a common solution to those conflicts. Being aware of conflicts and confronting them the as soon as possible will help the marriage and will avoid recurrence of such conflicts later on.
*****************************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
That was then when they were still carefree individuals who got involved in their relationship for a little fun and companionship. Marriage has made a very big difference in their lives. It seems to have ruined what they call magic.
Both have attained their career goals. Annie now writes her own column in a business magazine while Glenn has been recruited by a top notch law firm. Their careers are going great; their marriage however is another story.
Both are so busy with their own lives that they seem to have started growing apart. Most of their hours are spent at work, and on the rare occasions they see each other, they spend much of it in a shouting match.
Annie and Glenn's dilemma is not uncommon to many married couple; in fact it is the rule rather than the exception. Married couples sometimes ask themselves why they are capable of doing things that could hurt the other spouse, despite the fact that they love each other so much.
It is true when they say it is the person you love the most that can hurt you the most. This is true for most married couple who have not yet found a way to settle their differences and live with their then.
Arguments are part and parcel of being married but it is up to the couple to find ways to lessen the frequency and the intensity of the argument. Sometimes, couples think having the same argument over and over again is a normal thing in marriage. Of course, it is a normal thing but it should not be a so.Common sources of conflict among married couples
It is hard to live with another person because each one has his own personality and each person was brought up by their families differently. Conflicts arise when two personalities and two ways of life merge - each one wanting to be dominant.
The main reason married couples have arguments is because they are two different people forced to live physically together, regardless of their quirks and personality. Unless you are a boring creature who does not want surprises, then you would find it fun to live with a person who is just like you and so predictable that you do not even speak to each other because one is aware of what other is thinking. Others believe differently, believing that when two people are so alike there is no need for the other,
But there are specific issues that are pointed to as the common source of conflict and argument among married couples.
1. Money - Who does not need money? Of course everyone does, and the lack of excess of financial means will always serve as a launching pad for conflict. A couple who does not have enough money will have conflicts with budgeting and managing their finances. On the other hand, a couple who have plenty of resources will still quarrel over how the money is being spent..
2. Jealousy - A jealous lover adds sizzle to romance but when jealousy goes overboard it can make your married life miserable. A little jealousy will help make the relationship exciting but too much of it will alienate one spouse from the jealous spouse. People who have jealous spouses tend to curtail their emotional and intellectual development.
3. Sex - The lack or excess of sexual activity is also a source of conflict for married couples. Couples who have the same sexual preferences are lucky. For most couples incompatibility of their sexual desires is often the underlying reason for conflicts that are manifested in other ways.
4. In-laws - There are couples who incessantly quarrel just because of domineering in-laws who are interfering with the marriage. A couple may be living away from the in-laws but there are ways in-laws manage to ruin the marriage. It is really up to the spouses to inform their own families about the limitation that are to be observed to keep the marriage healthy and far from in-laws interference.
5. Responsibility - Who is in charge of cleaning the house? Who is in charge of paying for the monthly bills or the groceries? These are little things that boil down to the delegation of responsibilities between the spouses. It will be good if spouses can talk about who should be responsible for all the things necessary to keep the marriage on an even keel..
There are other sources of conflict, most of them originating from the basic sources of conflict. Couples should be aware of the things that cause conflict between them so they can find a common solution to those conflicts. Being aware of conflicts and confronting them the as soon as possible will help the marriage and will avoid recurrence of such conflicts later on.
*****************************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Passion Ration cited in Divorce
The Passion Ration
The last straw to finalize divorce proceedings in a marriage is when adultery is committed. I would say the hurt is unbearable for the loving partner who has been betrayed. Innocent Parties like the children and family members automatically become involved to take their share of the heartache when a marriage collapses.
Many couples manage to salvage what is left of their relationship and carry on regardless fighting a lost cause. It is not easy to put your feelings and emotions on hold. Emotions are a powerful force that comes back with vengeance filling you with anger and in some cases hate.
All the respect and trust has gone leaving that once happy relationship a farce. They say you forgive and forget. Sorry having none of it, forgive yes forget no, mental scarring does not heal.
So much suffering is caused by a one night stand or affairs that normally do not last long after the guilty party has lost everything. Ask your self is it worth it.
I do not condone such behavior where a man or woman strays outside the Marital Home to seek pleasure; only in some cases there are reasons why partners go down this road seeking comfort elsewhere.
May be the adulterer is not the guilty one. What of the spouse who decides to ration the passion in the bedroom leaving the partner no choice but to have his or her needs fulfilled outside the marriage.
You need to think twice before making a one sided decision about when you want to play or not play ball in the bedroom. Excuse the pun, but the ball is in your court to put back the missing link that is causing your marriage and partner to suffer.
They say true love never runs smooth, and if that being the case then for a little happiness give me the rough with the smooth any day.
If you have a problem regarding being bored in the bedroom, talk it over with your partner.
Rekindling a relationship is a made a lot easier if both parties participate in trying to understand why such actions were taken in the first place. Talking it through may help you both realize that the marriage is worth saving.
Counseling is out there for couples struggling to come to terms with the fact the marriage is over. Consider the children's feelings throughout any divorce proceedings, they will need time to adapt to having there whole life turned around.
Abide by your marriage vows, if out of spite you decide to sleep alone in the master bedroom then accept the fact that the guilty part is the Betrayer not the Strayer.
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
The last straw to finalize divorce proceedings in a marriage is when adultery is committed. I would say the hurt is unbearable for the loving partner who has been betrayed. Innocent Parties like the children and family members automatically become involved to take their share of the heartache when a marriage collapses.
Many couples manage to salvage what is left of their relationship and carry on regardless fighting a lost cause. It is not easy to put your feelings and emotions on hold. Emotions are a powerful force that comes back with vengeance filling you with anger and in some cases hate.
All the respect and trust has gone leaving that once happy relationship a farce. They say you forgive and forget. Sorry having none of it, forgive yes forget no, mental scarring does not heal.
So much suffering is caused by a one night stand or affairs that normally do not last long after the guilty party has lost everything. Ask your self is it worth it.
I do not condone such behavior where a man or woman strays outside the Marital Home to seek pleasure; only in some cases there are reasons why partners go down this road seeking comfort elsewhere.
May be the adulterer is not the guilty one. What of the spouse who decides to ration the passion in the bedroom leaving the partner no choice but to have his or her needs fulfilled outside the marriage.
You need to think twice before making a one sided decision about when you want to play or not play ball in the bedroom. Excuse the pun, but the ball is in your court to put back the missing link that is causing your marriage and partner to suffer.
They say true love never runs smooth, and if that being the case then for a little happiness give me the rough with the smooth any day.
If you have a problem regarding being bored in the bedroom, talk it over with your partner.
Rekindling a relationship is a made a lot easier if both parties participate in trying to understand why such actions were taken in the first place. Talking it through may help you both realize that the marriage is worth saving.
Counseling is out there for couples struggling to come to terms with the fact the marriage is over. Consider the children's feelings throughout any divorce proceedings, they will need time to adapt to having there whole life turned around.
Abide by your marriage vows, if out of spite you decide to sleep alone in the master bedroom then accept the fact that the guilty part is the Betrayer not the Strayer.
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
What you need to sacrifice for a lasting marriage
Statistics clearly show that half of American marriages often end up in divorce.
According to relationship researchers, almost all couples, happy or not, have comparable number of incompatible differences. Sixty-nine percent of these disagreements are left unresolved.
Often, the selfish behavior of one partner separates them from their spouse. Each divorce is usually the outcome of one’s selfishness in the marriage. One thinks of only satisfying himself; the conveniences, comforts, luxuries and freedom.
Marriage is surrendering totally oneself to another person. The wife submits herself to the husband as the husband, surrenders to his wife; marriage entails a complete surrender, meaning to sacrifice.
Together with considerations comes adaptation and adjustments. If it is already obvious that adjustment have to be made, a spouse must be eager and ready to accomplish anything that is needed.
There will be times in a marriage that spouses should sacrifice something he/she feels important such as a hobby, a job, something that a spouse likes doing, to preserve certain relationship.
To make a marriage to last, it must be guarded and protected. Each spouse has to avoid, limit or give up whatever it is that threatens it.
To others, it can require giving up a loved hobby like golf, bar hopping with friends, or stop communicating with a workmate who is clearly “getting too close.”
Spouses can sacrifice their:
1. Beliefs.
Should both have opposing beliefs, (for example, raising their children) spouses need to discuss matters and understand each other’s point of view. When both really can not agree a compromise is needed the wife might let her husband lead, as long as the husband’s beliefs are for the betterment of their children.
2. Goals.
Married couples should set common goals so both can work as a team.
3. Career.
When career is a threat to one’s family, one should sacrifice it.
4. Priorities.
Remember that in marriage there is no more “I” - entail lot of “we”. Set your priorities straight, your marriage should always come first.
5. Independence.
While there are many husbands and wives who value their independence and their spouses understand, one should always consider and consult the other before a mutual decision is made.
Nobody would acknowledge that they depend on someone for strength and stability. Husbands and wives who change their ways for their spouse may be negatively viewed many who are not familiar with the circumstances.
Love enables husbands and wives to willingly sacrifice to attain a lasting marriage.
According to relationship researchers, almost all couples, happy or not, have comparable number of incompatible differences. Sixty-nine percent of these disagreements are left unresolved.
Often, the selfish behavior of one partner separates them from their spouse. Each divorce is usually the outcome of one’s selfishness in the marriage. One thinks of only satisfying himself; the conveniences, comforts, luxuries and freedom.
Marriage is surrendering totally oneself to another person. The wife submits herself to the husband as the husband, surrenders to his wife; marriage entails a complete surrender, meaning to sacrifice.
Together with considerations comes adaptation and adjustments. If it is already obvious that adjustment have to be made, a spouse must be eager and ready to accomplish anything that is needed.
There will be times in a marriage that spouses should sacrifice something he/she feels important such as a hobby, a job, something that a spouse likes doing, to preserve certain relationship.
To make a marriage to last, it must be guarded and protected. Each spouse has to avoid, limit or give up whatever it is that threatens it.
To others, it can require giving up a loved hobby like golf, bar hopping with friends, or stop communicating with a workmate who is clearly “getting too close.”
Spouses can sacrifice their:
1. Beliefs.
Should both have opposing beliefs, (for example, raising their children) spouses need to discuss matters and understand each other’s point of view. When both really can not agree a compromise is needed the wife might let her husband lead, as long as the husband’s beliefs are for the betterment of their children.
2. Goals.
Married couples should set common goals so both can work as a team.
3. Career.
When career is a threat to one’s family, one should sacrifice it.
4. Priorities.
Remember that in marriage there is no more “I” - entail lot of “we”. Set your priorities straight, your marriage should always come first.
5. Independence.
While there are many husbands and wives who value their independence and their spouses understand, one should always consider and consult the other before a mutual decision is made.
Nobody would acknowledge that they depend on someone for strength and stability. Husbands and wives who change their ways for their spouse may be negatively viewed many who are not familiar with the circumstances.
Love enables husbands and wives to willingly sacrifice to attain a lasting marriage.
Tips on How to Save Your Marriage
In today's world, many couples encounter problems and differences that lead to miserable marriages that often lead to divorce. No one would like to have a broken marriage. The majority still prefers to save the marriage rather than resorting immediately to divorce. Here are some tips that may be considered in saving a marriage:
1. Take action
Take the initiative in doing the things that were usually done when both were still in love and happily married. The wife should try doing those small things that were important to her husband. She could cook a special dinner for the husband, prepare his clothes for tomorrow’s work or even give him small gifts and cards when he would least expect them.
2. Learn to talk
It is hard to keep things to oneself. The spouse may talk to her husband about the things she is feeling regarding their relationship. If the problem is about sex, then the wife should be very open about the subject.
3. Listen to what he says
Open communication does not just involve talking. You must also learn how to listen. The wife should give the husband the chance to talk. If there is a problem that he brings up, then the wife should not be defensive and instead should listen. The things that are brought up should be treated as guides so that the couple will learn how to respect each other's feelings and points of view.
3. Learn to forgive and forget
If saving marriage is important, then the couple should know how to move on. What matters is how much they really want to save the marriage. Do not dwell on the past mistakes, instead learn to forget everything and accept one another. Bringing up the past will not save the marriage. One must learn how to forgive the spouse and forget all the mistakes of the past.
4. Seek advice
It is strongly recommended that you seek advice from a close friend or family member. Getting the advice of a counselor is also helpful. It is recommended that both the husband and wife attend sessions. They may be able to open up and speak freely with the help of a counselor.
These are just a few tips that can help save the marriage. However, these suggestions are useless if the husband and/or wife is not willing to cooperate. Above all, love should always be present to save the relationship. It is love that will make all these things easier to do and will help in saving a marriage that was meant to last forever.
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