What couples need to do to rebuild marriages following the wreckage of an affair? This is a time of high feelings in the relationship, and in addition to anger and hurt there is guilt and mistrust, fear that it may happen again or that the marriage will fail, and despair at the emotional investment required to revisit the pain and begin the healing process after infidelity.
The client who wrote to me has been married for a long time and has children. The wife had been having an affair, and only ceased the affair after her lover left the city. She apologized, but assured her fidelity only when she was threatened with a divorce. The issue here was that the wife did not finish the affair because she wanted to, and has shown little remorse, choosing instead to be defensive and arrogant when confronted with the reality of what she has done. As a result there is no sexual contact in the relationship, and there is an atmosphere of mistrust and hurt due to the issues not being dealt with. Without confronting the hurt of the affair and speaking the truth, forgiveness is hard to seek. In the husband's mind, without remorse, the affair is still not over. Is there any hope for this relationship?
***************
My response:
Affairs often cause a variety of different types of chaos, and for many couples it is an explosion of the myth of marital happiness, and for many more, it is a final result of many destructive forces and factors that have been at work.
Healing in a relationship requires a commitment by both people involved in the marriage. There is often the misconception that the guilty partner is the one that has all the work to do, but you need to consider that the outcome is one that you both share. Another factor is that both people share responsibility for what happened and therefore should share responsibility for the outcome. I'm not saying that you are responsible for the affair, but the marital context in which it was able to happen was something you did contribute to. Poor communication, an atmosphere of fear and anxiety, and allowing your wife's moods to dictate your marriage have all contributed on some level to the stage you are at.
In regard to your questions:
Your wife is reluctant to own responsibility because you let her get away with it. If your wife can never say sorry and becomes aggressive and you allow her to do this, the behavior becomes entrenched. When she becomes loud and aggressive, you need to tell her that communication is broken, and that you will cease communication until she is able to control herself. Unacceptable behavior needs to be met with a calm and structured approach, and a temporary separation may be necessary until she is able to make a commitment to healing the hurt in your relationship. Your need to feel safe and loved is your stuff to deal with. If you don't feel safe and loved in your relationship it is your responsibility to communicate this to her and find ways to achieve it. That is a fundamental part of relationships, regardless of the circumstances.
Healing and reconciliation is not possible without revisiting the wounds and hurt, healing it, and making a commitment to changing the negative patterns of behavior. To believe you can have reconciliation without the truth is kidding yourself and your partner.
Making her make you feel safe... How about going on a holiday together as a couple, allowing you the opportunity to escape your responsibilities to the children and others and reconnecting as a couple? This would allow you both the chance to identify what the purpose of each other's love is, and what you each hope to get out of a relationship. Identify what you need to have in your relationship to make it perfect. It should also give you a good indication if there is a marriage worth saving.
The affair is over, but the hurt is not healed. Without healing, your marriage is over, and if your wife is unwilling to make a commitment to heal then you may need to make arrangements for a separation.
It could be arrogance, or it could be a deeply entrenched wound in her past that prevents her from saying sorry or admitting guilt. I believe she needs some counseling or therapy to workshop this hurt and repressed anger out, so that she is able to heal herself before focusing on your marriage.
You need to communicate your feelings to her more clearly, and follow up your concerns with opportunities for review to assess your progress. Your decision to stay in the marriage has to be met with a commitment from her to work towards reconciliation and healing, preferably through individual counseling, followed by couples counseling. A failure to do so should result in you choosing whether or not you stay in the relationship.
Showing posts with label save your marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label save your marriage. Show all posts
Saving your marriage through counseling
Marriage problems often start small. Maybe with a lack of communication, or a lack of attention. But little problems build into larger problems over time. Often, by the time both parties realize that the problems between them have gotten out of control, the bad times outnumber the good, and almost every day brings an argument and feelings of sadness and resentment.
The fact is, most couples are too slow to recognize the need they have for marriage counseling, and by the time it's obvious, it's also too late. Counseling, when undertaken in time, really does save marriages. Not only that, but it can make marriages healthier than they have ever been and couples can be happier. But many couples hesitate when it comes to counseling and wait too long. Many feel that it's like admitting failure. Others are suspicious of psychology or behavioral therapy. Most people have some kind of preconceived notion about counseling, and some are really detrimental to the process as a tool for saving the marriage.
But marriage counseling actually offers couples a chance to talk about the origin of their problems in a safe and moderated environment. It's an environment that is controlled by a trained councilor who is committed to resolving issues and improving communication. When both partners are committed to this result, counseling can be extraordinarily powerful and bring your marriage back from the brink of disaster.
But wait...why did you let it get to the brink of disaster to begin with? The best time for counseling isn't when divorce seems an immediately viable option. The time for counseling is at the first sign of serious trouble, when issues begin to come up again and again without resolution, and when communication begins to break down.
This may be difficult, as convincing your partner that you require counseling when there really aren't so many terrible problems might take some work. But it will pay off eventually, as it really takes both sides of a marriage to be committed to success. Individual counseling may help to resolve some of the issues, but the core problems and lack of communication will persist so long as one of you resists help.
In fact, one of the times when marriage counseling genuinely cannot help is when one of the partners has already become detached from the relationship or bought into the idea of divorce as the only escape from an untenable situation.
If you recognize that you are at a point in your relationship in which you need to seek counseling, do a little research about psychologists and therapists in your area. Actually, it's likely that someone you know has seen a marriage counselor try to find someone to refer you to a trustworthy therapist. In any case, it is desperately important that you start early, and give the process time to work. Counseling really can save marriages, but only with a strong commitment from both partners and a desire to pull back from the edge of divorce.
The fact is, most couples are too slow to recognize the need they have for marriage counseling, and by the time it's obvious, it's also too late. Counseling, when undertaken in time, really does save marriages. Not only that, but it can make marriages healthier than they have ever been and couples can be happier. But many couples hesitate when it comes to counseling and wait too long. Many feel that it's like admitting failure. Others are suspicious of psychology or behavioral therapy. Most people have some kind of preconceived notion about counseling, and some are really detrimental to the process as a tool for saving the marriage.
But marriage counseling actually offers couples a chance to talk about the origin of their problems in a safe and moderated environment. It's an environment that is controlled by a trained councilor who is committed to resolving issues and improving communication. When both partners are committed to this result, counseling can be extraordinarily powerful and bring your marriage back from the brink of disaster.
But wait...why did you let it get to the brink of disaster to begin with? The best time for counseling isn't when divorce seems an immediately viable option. The time for counseling is at the first sign of serious trouble, when issues begin to come up again and again without resolution, and when communication begins to break down.
This may be difficult, as convincing your partner that you require counseling when there really aren't so many terrible problems might take some work. But it will pay off eventually, as it really takes both sides of a marriage to be committed to success. Individual counseling may help to resolve some of the issues, but the core problems and lack of communication will persist so long as one of you resists help.
In fact, one of the times when marriage counseling genuinely cannot help is when one of the partners has already become detached from the relationship or bought into the idea of divorce as the only escape from an untenable situation.
If you recognize that you are at a point in your relationship in which you need to seek counseling, do a little research about psychologists and therapists in your area. Actually, it's likely that someone you know has seen a marriage counselor try to find someone to refer you to a trustworthy therapist. In any case, it is desperately important that you start early, and give the process time to work. Counseling really can save marriages, but only with a strong commitment from both partners and a desire to pull back from the edge of divorce.
Denying Divorce
Forget about divorce as an option, it might just save your marriage. No one is saying that your marriage isn't difficult. It might even be miserable. But an interesting set of statistics shows that people who take divorce off the table as an option not only resolve their issues, but end up being happier than ever. If your marriage is feeling troubled, and you're considering divorce, consider trying alternate therapies instead, marriage counseling, or just some open communication. But whatever you do, don't bring up the "D" word as an option, because doing that will change the rules of the game.
Now, of course it's important to acknowledge that there are a lot of influences on you to get a divorce. Your friends who don't like your spouse, legal advertisements, even popular culture. It's a common statistic that most marriages end in divorce, and so it seems like an acceptable, even normal way to resolve problems in a
marriage.
But let's look at some statistics. Of all the couples surveyed who were contemplating divorce and then decided not to go through with it, 80% claimed to be happily married only five years later. In all likelihood this is due to two elements. The first is that those couples who decide not to consider divorce, the only remaining
option is to deal with the problems experienced in the marriage head-on. This is a powerful and proactive tactic that will lead to acknowledgement of the problems the couples face, and maybe even to solutions.
The other element is that once divorce is considered, the dynamic of the relationship is changed. This is a more subtle, though far more destructive product of considering divorce. The dynamic of this is simple. When a fundamental disagreement develops in a marriage - as it will in almost all relationships - those who never
consider divorce are forced to deal with the disagreement. Those who do consider divorce preserve an "out" that can be used without ever addressing the issue. As the problems in the marriage mount, or the fundamental issues become more divisive, the easy out of divorce can become more and more appealing.
This thinking will take both of you, however. When both people in a marriage are actively searching for a solution to a problem, and both accept that divorce is not - and will not be - an option, a solution will almost surely be found. You and your spouse will be asking what you can do to make things better, rather than asking if it's worth it, or if you should cut your losses and run.
Remove divorce as an option and endeavor to go into relationship counseling, therapy of some kind, or just talk about your problems in a mature and open way. It seems simplistic, but statistically it also seems to work. Those who deny divorce as a viable end to a committed marriage will also be more motivated to work on that
marriage, and work through the problems that could, without communication and understanding, put an end to something that was supposed to be a lifetime commitment and bond.
Now, of course it's important to acknowledge that there are a lot of influences on you to get a divorce. Your friends who don't like your spouse, legal advertisements, even popular culture. It's a common statistic that most marriages end in divorce, and so it seems like an acceptable, even normal way to resolve problems in a
marriage.
But let's look at some statistics. Of all the couples surveyed who were contemplating divorce and then decided not to go through with it, 80% claimed to be happily married only five years later. In all likelihood this is due to two elements. The first is that those couples who decide not to consider divorce, the only remaining
option is to deal with the problems experienced in the marriage head-on. This is a powerful and proactive tactic that will lead to acknowledgement of the problems the couples face, and maybe even to solutions.
The other element is that once divorce is considered, the dynamic of the relationship is changed. This is a more subtle, though far more destructive product of considering divorce. The dynamic of this is simple. When a fundamental disagreement develops in a marriage - as it will in almost all relationships - those who never
consider divorce are forced to deal with the disagreement. Those who do consider divorce preserve an "out" that can be used without ever addressing the issue. As the problems in the marriage mount, or the fundamental issues become more divisive, the easy out of divorce can become more and more appealing.
This thinking will take both of you, however. When both people in a marriage are actively searching for a solution to a problem, and both accept that divorce is not - and will not be - an option, a solution will almost surely be found. You and your spouse will be asking what you can do to make things better, rather than asking if it's worth it, or if you should cut your losses and run.
Remove divorce as an option and endeavor to go into relationship counseling, therapy of some kind, or just talk about your problems in a mature and open way. It seems simplistic, but statistically it also seems to work. Those who deny divorce as a viable end to a committed marriage will also be more motivated to work on that
marriage, and work through the problems that could, without communication and understanding, put an end to something that was supposed to be a lifetime commitment and bond.
Recognizing marital conflicts and solving them fast
Annie and Glenn were considered the perfect couple of the year when they were married in a small but picturesque chapel in Santa Monica two years ago. Annie was a 24 year old career girl while Glenn was on his way to becoming a successful lawyer.
That was then when they were still carefree individuals who got involved in their relationship for a little fun and companionship. Marriage has made a very big difference in their lives. It seems to have ruined what they call magic.
Both have attained their career goals. Annie now writes her own column in a business magazine while Glenn has been recruited by a top notch law firm. Their careers are going great; their marriage however is another story.
Both are so busy with their own lives that they seem to have started growing apart. Most of their hours are spent at work, and on the rare occasions they see each other, they spend much of it in a shouting match.
Annie and Glenn's dilemma is not uncommon to many married couple; in fact it is the rule rather than the exception. Married couples sometimes ask themselves why they are capable of doing things that could hurt the other spouse, despite the fact that they love each other so much.
It is true when they say it is the person you love the most that can hurt you the most. This is true for most married couple who have not yet found a way to settle their differences and live with their then.
Arguments are part and parcel of being married but it is up to the couple to find ways to lessen the frequency and the intensity of the argument. Sometimes, couples think having the same argument over and over again is a normal thing in marriage. Of course, it is a normal thing but it should not be a so.
Common sources of conflict among married couples
It is hard to live with another person because each one has his own personality and each person was brought up by their families differently. Conflicts arise when two personalities and two ways of life merge - each one wanting to be dominant.
The main reason married couples have arguments is because they are two different people forced to live physically together, regardless of their quirks and personality. Unless you are a boring creature who does not want surprises, then you would find it fun to live with a person who is just like you and so predictable that you do not even speak to each other because one is aware of what other is thinking. Others believe differently, believing that when two people are so alike there is no need for the other,
But there are specific issues that are pointed to as the common source of conflict and argument among married couples.
1. Money - Who does not need money? Of course everyone does, and the lack of excess of financial means will always serve as a launching pad for conflict. A couple who does not have enough money will have conflicts with budgeting and managing their finances. On the other hand, a couple who have plenty of resources will still quarrel over how the money is being spent..
2. Jealousy - A jealous lover adds sizzle to romance but when jealousy goes overboard it can make your married life miserable. A little jealousy will help make the relationship exciting but too much of it will alienate one spouse from the jealous spouse. People who have jealous spouses tend to curtail their emotional and intellectual development.
3. Sex - The lack or excess of sexual activity is also a source of conflict for married couples. Couples who have the same sexual preferences are lucky. For most couples incompatibility of their sexual desires is often the underlying reason for conflicts that are manifested in other ways.
4. In-laws - There are couples who incessantly quarrel just because of domineering in-laws who are interfering with the marriage. A couple may be living away from the in-laws but there are ways in-laws manage to ruin the marriage. It is really up to the spouses to inform their own families about the limitation that are to be observed to keep the marriage healthy and far from in-laws interference.
5. Responsibility - Who is in charge of cleaning the house? Who is in charge of paying for the monthly bills or the groceries? These are little things that boil down to the delegation of responsibilities between the spouses. It will be good if spouses can talk about who should be responsible for all the things necessary to keep the marriage on an even keel..
There are other sources of conflict, most of them originating from the basic sources of conflict. Couples should be aware of the things that cause conflict between them so they can find a common solution to those conflicts. Being aware of conflicts and confronting them the as soon as possible will help the marriage and will avoid recurrence of such conflicts later on.
*****************************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
That was then when they were still carefree individuals who got involved in their relationship for a little fun and companionship. Marriage has made a very big difference in their lives. It seems to have ruined what they call magic.
Both have attained their career goals. Annie now writes her own column in a business magazine while Glenn has been recruited by a top notch law firm. Their careers are going great; their marriage however is another story.
Both are so busy with their own lives that they seem to have started growing apart. Most of their hours are spent at work, and on the rare occasions they see each other, they spend much of it in a shouting match.
Annie and Glenn's dilemma is not uncommon to many married couple; in fact it is the rule rather than the exception. Married couples sometimes ask themselves why they are capable of doing things that could hurt the other spouse, despite the fact that they love each other so much.
It is true when they say it is the person you love the most that can hurt you the most. This is true for most married couple who have not yet found a way to settle their differences and live with their then.
Arguments are part and parcel of being married but it is up to the couple to find ways to lessen the frequency and the intensity of the argument. Sometimes, couples think having the same argument over and over again is a normal thing in marriage. Of course, it is a normal thing but it should not be a so.Common sources of conflict among married couples
It is hard to live with another person because each one has his own personality and each person was brought up by their families differently. Conflicts arise when two personalities and two ways of life merge - each one wanting to be dominant.
The main reason married couples have arguments is because they are two different people forced to live physically together, regardless of their quirks and personality. Unless you are a boring creature who does not want surprises, then you would find it fun to live with a person who is just like you and so predictable that you do not even speak to each other because one is aware of what other is thinking. Others believe differently, believing that when two people are so alike there is no need for the other,
But there are specific issues that are pointed to as the common source of conflict and argument among married couples.
1. Money - Who does not need money? Of course everyone does, and the lack of excess of financial means will always serve as a launching pad for conflict. A couple who does not have enough money will have conflicts with budgeting and managing their finances. On the other hand, a couple who have plenty of resources will still quarrel over how the money is being spent..
2. Jealousy - A jealous lover adds sizzle to romance but when jealousy goes overboard it can make your married life miserable. A little jealousy will help make the relationship exciting but too much of it will alienate one spouse from the jealous spouse. People who have jealous spouses tend to curtail their emotional and intellectual development.
3. Sex - The lack or excess of sexual activity is also a source of conflict for married couples. Couples who have the same sexual preferences are lucky. For most couples incompatibility of their sexual desires is often the underlying reason for conflicts that are manifested in other ways.
4. In-laws - There are couples who incessantly quarrel just because of domineering in-laws who are interfering with the marriage. A couple may be living away from the in-laws but there are ways in-laws manage to ruin the marriage. It is really up to the spouses to inform their own families about the limitation that are to be observed to keep the marriage healthy and far from in-laws interference.
5. Responsibility - Who is in charge of cleaning the house? Who is in charge of paying for the monthly bills or the groceries? These are little things that boil down to the delegation of responsibilities between the spouses. It will be good if spouses can talk about who should be responsible for all the things necessary to keep the marriage on an even keel..
There are other sources of conflict, most of them originating from the basic sources of conflict. Couples should be aware of the things that cause conflict between them so they can find a common solution to those conflicts. Being aware of conflicts and confronting them the as soon as possible will help the marriage and will avoid recurrence of such conflicts later on.
*****************************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Quiz Yourself - Will You Survive Break-Up?
I did everything possible to save our relationship. I gave in a lot, but I could not save. We will be breaking-up soon. That has already broken my heart. This relationship was made brick by brick over so many years. What all we did not do to make it last? But alas, we are breaking -up. This is a typical statement from a person facing break-up. How to survive after a break-up? Will you survive a break-up? Why not quiz yourself about it?
The immediate effect of the break-up would be pain. Will you be able to take the pain? The pain would go away slowly over a number of years, but the initial impact will be high. You will have to gather all your energy and tolerate the pain.
The second effect would be bitterness and blame. You will non stop think about the behavior of your ex partner and fix blame everywhere. You will recap all the arguments and fights and there will be a large amount of self-talk about how you were ditched. That will not be a pleasant experience. You will have to find way out of all this by spending quality time with friends, involving you in new activities, and keep yourself busy. Are you ready for that?
The major effect would be the temptation to join immediately with anew partner. This can work both the ways. Some people never wish to form a relationship again after undergoing the trauma, while some want to form a relationship as soon as possible to forget the earlier one. Both of theses choices carry danger. The best alternative is to wait for sometime and when you find your stability and self esteem back, try and form another relationship. Are you ready for this?
*****************************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
The immediate effect of the break-up would be pain. Will you be able to take the pain? The pain would go away slowly over a number of years, but the initial impact will be high. You will have to gather all your energy and tolerate the pain.
The second effect would be bitterness and blame. You will non stop think about the behavior of your ex partner and fix blame everywhere. You will recap all the arguments and fights and there will be a large amount of self-talk about how you were ditched. That will not be a pleasant experience. You will have to find way out of all this by spending quality time with friends, involving you in new activities, and keep yourself busy. Are you ready for that?
The major effect would be the temptation to join immediately with anew partner. This can work both the ways. Some people never wish to form a relationship again after undergoing the trauma, while some want to form a relationship as soon as possible to forget the earlier one. Both of theses choices carry danger. The best alternative is to wait for sometime and when you find your stability and self esteem back, try and form another relationship. Are you ready for this?
*****************************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Stop Divorce
From my experience couple trying to Stop Divorce are faced with many challenges, some of these issues and challenges are often very surprising. One of the people who visited my site sent me an email saying that I would not believe how easy it was to work on some parts of the prevent divorce issue, and that the hardest thing he and his wife faced was breaking the old habits, changing the way they conducted themselves, the automatic pilot that drives relationships into walls.
This is what this article is about, trying to notice the point in which you lose control over your target (preventing and stopping your divorce) and let the auto pilot drive your relationship into a difficult spot. Shedding light on a few points, I hope that you will be better equipped the next time you are facing an argument or even a discussion.
First point, is almost too easy, the blame game. How easy is this? Now honestly, think about it, almost everyone does it, and you have done it many times before, you play this stupid little game, get yourself wrapped around this idea and lose control, not only escalating the situation but getting into a mindset of blaming and anger, this would not help you, or anyone for that matter, achieve anything. What you really need to do is examine the situation, think about what you did, or what you usually do, and what your spouse does, and be as objective as you can. Make a table with the things you both do, never forget to notice the things that you do wrong, because everyone does something wrong, and admit it, to yourself and to your spouse.
Second, the “you are overreacting” sentence. How helpful was that?, men tend to say this to woman a lot, but I saw a few woman do that too, and this is a nasty one, not only do you judge your spouse, you are also criticizing their response, like you have any right to. Think about it for a moment, I am sure you will understand that this is a terrible thing to say and that in no case should you even consider saying this, take things at face value, if your partner is angry, focus on why he or she got to this situation and deal with it, don’t push it away and award the what you think is an exaggerated reaction level to your partner.
Children or family issues, this is an extremely delicate issue. Using children as weapons in arguments and fights is something a lot of people do, a classic example of losing control and saying things you live to regret for a long time. A clear stop sign, if you can see it while you are angry and upset, in a middle of an argument, try your best to avoid using your children or other family members in fights.
One last point which is the general advice I can give, when discussing things with your spouse, or even when arguing or fighting, try and make the situation even, try and balance the power and the objectivity of the situation. This means that no one has clear control over the discussion, that it is a free – equal power debate between two people and not a lecture or verbal beating to one or another person.
In the next article I will discuss these issues further, good luck saving your relationship and stop divorce.
***********************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
This is what this article is about, trying to notice the point in which you lose control over your target (preventing and stopping your divorce) and let the auto pilot drive your relationship into a difficult spot. Shedding light on a few points, I hope that you will be better equipped the next time you are facing an argument or even a discussion.
First point, is almost too easy, the blame game. How easy is this? Now honestly, think about it, almost everyone does it, and you have done it many times before, you play this stupid little game, get yourself wrapped around this idea and lose control, not only escalating the situation but getting into a mindset of blaming and anger, this would not help you, or anyone for that matter, achieve anything. What you really need to do is examine the situation, think about what you did, or what you usually do, and what your spouse does, and be as objective as you can. Make a table with the things you both do, never forget to notice the things that you do wrong, because everyone does something wrong, and admit it, to yourself and to your spouse.
Second, the “you are overreacting” sentence. How helpful was that?, men tend to say this to woman a lot, but I saw a few woman do that too, and this is a nasty one, not only do you judge your spouse, you are also criticizing their response, like you have any right to. Think about it for a moment, I am sure you will understand that this is a terrible thing to say and that in no case should you even consider saying this, take things at face value, if your partner is angry, focus on why he or she got to this situation and deal with it, don’t push it away and award the what you think is an exaggerated reaction level to your partner.
Children or family issues, this is an extremely delicate issue. Using children as weapons in arguments and fights is something a lot of people do, a classic example of losing control and saying things you live to regret for a long time. A clear stop sign, if you can see it while you are angry and upset, in a middle of an argument, try your best to avoid using your children or other family members in fights.
One last point which is the general advice I can give, when discussing things with your spouse, or even when arguing or fighting, try and make the situation even, try and balance the power and the objectivity of the situation. This means that no one has clear control over the discussion, that it is a free – equal power debate between two people and not a lecture or verbal beating to one or another person.
In the next article I will discuss these issues further, good luck saving your relationship and stop divorce.
***********************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Prevent Divorce Basics
Your marriage is in trouble, and you know that even though you want to get it all over with that you still love your partner and that you will probably regret your actions in the near future, the action needed is clear- you need to prevent divorce.
Divorce is not the answer, and rushing into one is a big mistake, the divorce process will eliminate your chances of rebuilding your relationship, so you better consider this move carefully and be absolutely sure that you have exhausted all the means and ways to improve your relationship.
Your spouse does not understand you, and both of you are not communicating any more, it seems as though there is a huge gap between you, that even the smallest things makes you upset about each other, and that what was once easy and fun has now become unbearable. Preventing divorce is not about compromise, preventing divorce is about rediscovering your relationship.
The changes in relationships seem almost impossible, from once passionate lovers that could not bare being apart couples change into two different people that sometimes seek the opportunity to be as separate from one another as possible. The dangers of the growing distance between couple raises questions in their minds and in many cases this ends in a divorce.
Every person is different, every couple has its own unique story, but the bottom line is usually this – one or both partners think that it is impossible to turn the relationship into something that will flourish again, with the hope of regaining the love of the other lost the partners turn into the simplest and what seems like the easiest solution, instead of fighting and arguing over and over again, the clean cut divorce looks like a good solution.
Sometimes and in some cases this is probably the best way to go, divorce for some couples is the best answer to a hopeless situation. But if you are one of the many people who feel that not all hope is gone and that you wish to continue building the relationship you have with your partner, who at a certain time was the closest to you, this is the place to start looking inwards and outwards and work to regain your harmoniums loving relationship once again.
Good relationships start with good communication, it is almost sure that you once had a relationship with good communication, you can probably remember the days when you didn’t have enough time with your spouse to talk about all the plans you had for your life and to share your thoughts? How long has it been now? How many years since you last had a really good communication exchange? After you’ve exhausted the discussion about the children’s schedule, who has to drop off the dry cleaning and when you will visit your in-laws, do you find yourself at a loss for words?
You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with either of you. You are probably just mired in everyday life and because your daily schedule is so hectic, over the years you simply ran out of time for casual and enjoyable discussion. And, now you can’t even remember how to even talk to your spouse, stopping or preventing a divorce will mean that you will need to rethink the way you communicate.
Good communication is not so hard and it is vital for preventing a divorce, it is just plain simple work, until you get used to it. Instead of talking about the regular things, you will need to think a little harder and try a lot harder. Talk about real things, not the work routine and the children’s activities think of things you want to talk about, you’ll find yourself anxious to get home to share the information with your spouse. Avoid the topics that do not interest you spouse, remember that this is about the both of you, and what you find interesting, just finding this topic will earn you points for trying, do not plan ahead too much – just let yourself into a discussion about things you have not discussed for long.
Listen to the news in the morning or on your way to work. When you are listening, try to focus on those things you think your spouse would find interesting. What would she tell you about? Then ask her if she heard the story, and what she thought about it.
Talk about things you want to plan or do over the next month or two. Vacation planning is a good topic, but only if you are both looking forward to going and if you are both actively involved in planning for the vacation.
Preventing divorce is a complicated issue – not impossible one. You will need to invest time and energy into you marriage now, and do everything you can to prevent divorce. Good luck!.
***********************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Divorce is not the answer, and rushing into one is a big mistake, the divorce process will eliminate your chances of rebuilding your relationship, so you better consider this move carefully and be absolutely sure that you have exhausted all the means and ways to improve your relationship.
Your spouse does not understand you, and both of you are not communicating any more, it seems as though there is a huge gap between you, that even the smallest things makes you upset about each other, and that what was once easy and fun has now become unbearable. Preventing divorce is not about compromise, preventing divorce is about rediscovering your relationship.
The changes in relationships seem almost impossible, from once passionate lovers that could not bare being apart couples change into two different people that sometimes seek the opportunity to be as separate from one another as possible. The dangers of the growing distance between couple raises questions in their minds and in many cases this ends in a divorce.
Every person is different, every couple has its own unique story, but the bottom line is usually this – one or both partners think that it is impossible to turn the relationship into something that will flourish again, with the hope of regaining the love of the other lost the partners turn into the simplest and what seems like the easiest solution, instead of fighting and arguing over and over again, the clean cut divorce looks like a good solution.
Sometimes and in some cases this is probably the best way to go, divorce for some couples is the best answer to a hopeless situation. But if you are one of the many people who feel that not all hope is gone and that you wish to continue building the relationship you have with your partner, who at a certain time was the closest to you, this is the place to start looking inwards and outwards and work to regain your harmoniums loving relationship once again.
Good relationships start with good communication, it is almost sure that you once had a relationship with good communication, you can probably remember the days when you didn’t have enough time with your spouse to talk about all the plans you had for your life and to share your thoughts? How long has it been now? How many years since you last had a really good communication exchange? After you’ve exhausted the discussion about the children’s schedule, who has to drop off the dry cleaning and when you will visit your in-laws, do you find yourself at a loss for words?
You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with either of you. You are probably just mired in everyday life and because your daily schedule is so hectic, over the years you simply ran out of time for casual and enjoyable discussion. And, now you can’t even remember how to even talk to your spouse, stopping or preventing a divorce will mean that you will need to rethink the way you communicate.
Good communication is not so hard and it is vital for preventing a divorce, it is just plain simple work, until you get used to it. Instead of talking about the regular things, you will need to think a little harder and try a lot harder. Talk about real things, not the work routine and the children’s activities think of things you want to talk about, you’ll find yourself anxious to get home to share the information with your spouse. Avoid the topics that do not interest you spouse, remember that this is about the both of you, and what you find interesting, just finding this topic will earn you points for trying, do not plan ahead too much – just let yourself into a discussion about things you have not discussed for long.
Listen to the news in the morning or on your way to work. When you are listening, try to focus on those things you think your spouse would find interesting. What would she tell you about? Then ask her if she heard the story, and what she thought about it.
Talk about things you want to plan or do over the next month or two. Vacation planning is a good topic, but only if you are both looking forward to going and if you are both actively involved in planning for the vacation.
Preventing divorce is a complicated issue – not impossible one. You will need to invest time and energy into you marriage now, and do everything you can to prevent divorce. Good luck!.
***********************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Reconcile or Move On, How to Decide
Should I Reconcile? You are older and wiser now, with an experience or two, and a decision to make.
Your desire to reconcile is often a desire to live the dream. To revive your passions and the hopes you lived in the beginning. To return to 'Go' and start over with a new role of the dice.
Perhaps reconciliation is not your own desire, but forced upon you like a load of dirty laundry. Forced upon you by silent and sullen children. Forced upon you by a repentant spouse, full of promises and needs greater than your own. Forced upon you by family, religion, and tradition of the day.
Should I reconcile? Should I accept the hurt, the pain, and call it a day? Can I face the unknown, or is there more comfort in this familiar but battered arena? Yes, you are older and wiser now, with a decision to make.
How to decide
Take a blank piece of paper, any paper, and if you are inclined you can create a spreadsheet or flow chart, it matters not the medium. Across the top draw a single line, and down the centre draw another line. At the top on one side write the word STAY. The other side gets MOVE ON.
There is no secret or trick to this; simply write down every reason or excuse for saving or ending your marriage. This writer remembers being asked to make a list of all the possible uses for the lowly paper clip. Writing down one use leads to another and another, the list reached 50 ideas within two minuets. At another table their list numbered 110. The point my friend is to just jot down, pro and con. Your list might take a life of its own, growing hour by hour, day by day.
At least three things will happen.
- You will come to a decision.
- You will have clearer understanding of the issues.
- You have the beginnings of a course of action
Staying means taking action and making one more commitment to your marriage. That commitment is not yours alone. You both have issues to resolve. It is not prudent to take the easy road by ducking the issues. Face them head on. Pay the price in the currency of hard work and honest communication, without it couples often fall back into old habits. A recommendable course of action is joint marriage counseling, and in many cases joint financial counseling.
Moving on means acceptance, and closes the option of going back into the marriage. While it may be sad, it also frees you to look to your future without the complications of all the "what if's". Moving on can be like passing Go and collecting your $200, knowing the next trip around the block might be better than the last.
********************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Your desire to reconcile is often a desire to live the dream. To revive your passions and the hopes you lived in the beginning. To return to 'Go' and start over with a new role of the dice.
Perhaps reconciliation is not your own desire, but forced upon you like a load of dirty laundry. Forced upon you by silent and sullen children. Forced upon you by a repentant spouse, full of promises and needs greater than your own. Forced upon you by family, religion, and tradition of the day.
Should I reconcile? Should I accept the hurt, the pain, and call it a day? Can I face the unknown, or is there more comfort in this familiar but battered arena? Yes, you are older and wiser now, with a decision to make.
How to decide
Take a blank piece of paper, any paper, and if you are inclined you can create a spreadsheet or flow chart, it matters not the medium. Across the top draw a single line, and down the centre draw another line. At the top on one side write the word STAY. The other side gets MOVE ON.
There is no secret or trick to this; simply write down every reason or excuse for saving or ending your marriage. This writer remembers being asked to make a list of all the possible uses for the lowly paper clip. Writing down one use leads to another and another, the list reached 50 ideas within two minuets. At another table their list numbered 110. The point my friend is to just jot down, pro and con. Your list might take a life of its own, growing hour by hour, day by day.
At least three things will happen.
- You will come to a decision.
- You will have clearer understanding of the issues.
- You have the beginnings of a course of action
Staying means taking action and making one more commitment to your marriage. That commitment is not yours alone. You both have issues to resolve. It is not prudent to take the easy road by ducking the issues. Face them head on. Pay the price in the currency of hard work and honest communication, without it couples often fall back into old habits. A recommendable course of action is joint marriage counseling, and in many cases joint financial counseling.
Moving on means acceptance, and closes the option of going back into the marriage. While it may be sad, it also frees you to look to your future without the complications of all the "what if's". Moving on can be like passing Go and collecting your $200, knowing the next trip around the block might be better than the last.
********************
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Passion Ration cited in Divorce
The Passion Ration
The last straw to finalize divorce proceedings in a marriage is when adultery is committed. I would say the hurt is unbearable for the loving partner who has been betrayed. Innocent Parties like the children and family members automatically become involved to take their share of the heartache when a marriage collapses.
Many couples manage to salvage what is left of their relationship and carry on regardless fighting a lost cause. It is not easy to put your feelings and emotions on hold. Emotions are a powerful force that comes back with vengeance filling you with anger and in some cases hate.
All the respect and trust has gone leaving that once happy relationship a farce. They say you forgive and forget. Sorry having none of it, forgive yes forget no, mental scarring does not heal.
So much suffering is caused by a one night stand or affairs that normally do not last long after the guilty party has lost everything. Ask your self is it worth it.
I do not condone such behavior where a man or woman strays outside the Marital Home to seek pleasure; only in some cases there are reasons why partners go down this road seeking comfort elsewhere.
May be the adulterer is not the guilty one. What of the spouse who decides to ration the passion in the bedroom leaving the partner no choice but to have his or her needs fulfilled outside the marriage.
You need to think twice before making a one sided decision about when you want to play or not play ball in the bedroom. Excuse the pun, but the ball is in your court to put back the missing link that is causing your marriage and partner to suffer.
They say true love never runs smooth, and if that being the case then for a little happiness give me the rough with the smooth any day.
If you have a problem regarding being bored in the bedroom, talk it over with your partner.
Rekindling a relationship is a made a lot easier if both parties participate in trying to understand why such actions were taken in the first place. Talking it through may help you both realize that the marriage is worth saving.
Counseling is out there for couples struggling to come to terms with the fact the marriage is over. Consider the children's feelings throughout any divorce proceedings, they will need time to adapt to having there whole life turned around.
Abide by your marriage vows, if out of spite you decide to sleep alone in the master bedroom then accept the fact that the guilty part is the Betrayer not the Strayer.
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
The last straw to finalize divorce proceedings in a marriage is when adultery is committed. I would say the hurt is unbearable for the loving partner who has been betrayed. Innocent Parties like the children and family members automatically become involved to take their share of the heartache when a marriage collapses.
Many couples manage to salvage what is left of their relationship and carry on regardless fighting a lost cause. It is not easy to put your feelings and emotions on hold. Emotions are a powerful force that comes back with vengeance filling you with anger and in some cases hate.
All the respect and trust has gone leaving that once happy relationship a farce. They say you forgive and forget. Sorry having none of it, forgive yes forget no, mental scarring does not heal.
So much suffering is caused by a one night stand or affairs that normally do not last long after the guilty party has lost everything. Ask your self is it worth it.
I do not condone such behavior where a man or woman strays outside the Marital Home to seek pleasure; only in some cases there are reasons why partners go down this road seeking comfort elsewhere.
May be the adulterer is not the guilty one. What of the spouse who decides to ration the passion in the bedroom leaving the partner no choice but to have his or her needs fulfilled outside the marriage.
You need to think twice before making a one sided decision about when you want to play or not play ball in the bedroom. Excuse the pun, but the ball is in your court to put back the missing link that is causing your marriage and partner to suffer.
They say true love never runs smooth, and if that being the case then for a little happiness give me the rough with the smooth any day.
If you have a problem regarding being bored in the bedroom, talk it over with your partner.
Rekindling a relationship is a made a lot easier if both parties participate in trying to understand why such actions were taken in the first place. Talking it through may help you both realize that the marriage is worth saving.
Counseling is out there for couples struggling to come to terms with the fact the marriage is over. Consider the children's feelings throughout any divorce proceedings, they will need time to adapt to having there whole life turned around.
Abide by your marriage vows, if out of spite you decide to sleep alone in the master bedroom then accept the fact that the guilty part is the Betrayer not the Strayer.
Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Tips on How to Save Your Marriage
In today's world, many couples encounter problems and differences that lead to miserable marriages that often lead to divorce. No one would like to have a broken marriage. The majority still prefers to save the marriage rather than resorting immediately to divorce. Here are some tips that may be considered in saving a marriage:
1. Take action
Take the initiative in doing the things that were usually done when both were still in love and happily married. The wife should try doing those small things that were important to her husband. She could cook a special dinner for the husband, prepare his clothes for tomorrow’s work or even give him small gifts and cards when he would least expect them.
2. Learn to talk
It is hard to keep things to oneself. The spouse may talk to her husband about the things she is feeling regarding their relationship. If the problem is about sex, then the wife should be very open about the subject.
3. Listen to what he says
Open communication does not just involve talking. You must also learn how to listen. The wife should give the husband the chance to talk. If there is a problem that he brings up, then the wife should not be defensive and instead should listen. The things that are brought up should be treated as guides so that the couple will learn how to respect each other's feelings and points of view.
3. Learn to forgive and forget
If saving marriage is important, then the couple should know how to move on. What matters is how much they really want to save the marriage. Do not dwell on the past mistakes, instead learn to forget everything and accept one another. Bringing up the past will not save the marriage. One must learn how to forgive the spouse and forget all the mistakes of the past.
4. Seek advice
It is strongly recommended that you seek advice from a close friend or family member. Getting the advice of a counselor is also helpful. It is recommended that both the husband and wife attend sessions. They may be able to open up and speak freely with the help of a counselor.
These are just a few tips that can help save the marriage. However, these suggestions are useless if the husband and/or wife is not willing to cooperate. Above all, love should always be present to save the relationship. It is love that will make all these things easier to do and will help in saving a marriage that was meant to last forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)