Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair

What couples need to do to rebuild marriages following the wreckage of an affair? This is a time of high feelings in the relationship, and in addition to anger and hurt there is guilt and mistrust, fear that it may happen again or that the marriage will fail, and despair at the emotional investment required to revisit the pain and begin the healing process after infidelity.

The client who wrote to me has been married for a long time and has children. The wife had been having an affair, and only ceased the affair after her lover left the city. She apologized, but assured her fidelity only when she was threatened with a divorce. The issue here was that the wife did not finish the affair because she wanted to, and has shown little remorse, choosing instead to be defensive and arrogant when confronted with the reality of what she has done. As a result there is no sexual contact in the relationship, and there is an atmosphere of mistrust and hurt due to the issues not being dealt with. Without confronting the hurt of the affair and speaking the truth, forgiveness is hard to seek. In the husband's mind, without remorse, the affair is still not over. Is there any hope for this relationship?

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My response:

Affairs often cause a variety of different types of chaos, and for many couples it is an explosion of the myth of marital happiness, and for many more, it is a final result of many destructive forces and factors that have been at work.

Healing in a relationship requires a commitment by both people involved in the marriage. There is often the misconception that the guilty partner is the one that has all the work to do, but you need to consider that the outcome is one that you both share. Another factor is that both people share responsibility for what happened and therefore should share responsibility for the outcome. I'm not saying that you are responsible for the affair, but the marital context in which it was able to happen was something you did contribute to. Poor communication, an atmosphere of fear and anxiety, and allowing your wife's moods to dictate your marriage have all contributed on some level to the stage you are at.

In regard to your questions:

Your wife is reluctant to own responsibility because you let her get away with it. If your wife can never say sorry and becomes aggressive and you allow her to do this, the behavior becomes entrenched. When she becomes loud and aggressive, you need to tell her that communication is broken, and that you will cease communication until she is able to control herself. Unacceptable behavior needs to be met with a calm and structured approach, and a temporary separation may be necessary until she is able to make a commitment to healing the hurt in your relationship. Your need to feel safe and loved is your stuff to deal with. If you don't feel safe and loved in your relationship it is your responsibility to communicate this to her and find ways to achieve it. That is a fundamental part of relationships, regardless of the circumstances.

Healing and reconciliation is not possible without revisiting the wounds and hurt, healing it, and making a commitment to changing the negative patterns of behavior. To believe you can have reconciliation without the truth is kidding yourself and your partner.

Making her make you feel safe... How about going on a holiday together as a couple, allowing you the opportunity to escape your responsibilities to the children and others and reconnecting as a couple? This would allow you both the chance to identify what the purpose of each other's love is, and what you each hope to get out of a relationship. Identify what you need to have in your relationship to make it perfect. It should also give you a good indication if there is a marriage worth saving.

The affair is over, but the hurt is not healed. Without healing, your marriage is over, and if your wife is unwilling to make a commitment to heal then you may need to make arrangements for a separation.

It could be arrogance, or it could be a deeply entrenched wound in her past that prevents her from saying sorry or admitting guilt. I believe she needs some counseling or therapy to workshop this hurt and repressed anger out, so that she is able to heal herself before focusing on your marriage.

You need to communicate your feelings to her more clearly, and follow up your concerns with opportunities for review to assess your progress. Your decision to stay in the marriage has to be met with a commitment from her to work towards reconciliation and healing, preferably through individual counseling, followed by couples counseling. A failure to do so should result in you choosing whether or not you stay in the relationship.

Quiz Yourself - Will You Survive Break-Up?

I did everything possible to save our relationship. I gave in a lot, but I could not save. We will be breaking-up soon. That has already broken my heart. This relationship was made brick by brick over so many years. What all we did not do to make it last? But alas, we are breaking -up. This is a typical statement from a person facing break-up. How to survive after a break-up? Will you survive a break-up? Why not quiz yourself about it?

The immediate effect of the break-up would be pain. Will you be able to take the pain? The pain would go away slowly over a number of years, but the initial impact will be high. You will have to gather all your energy and tolerate the pain.

The second effect would be bitterness and blame. You will non stop think about the behavior of your ex partner and fix blame everywhere. You will recap all the arguments and fights and there will be a large amount of self-talk about how you were ditched. That will not be a pleasant experience. You will have to find way out of all this by spending quality time with friends, involving you in new activities, and keep yourself busy. Are you ready for that?

The major effect would be the temptation to join immediately with anew partner. This can work both the ways. Some people never wish to form a relationship again after undergoing the trauma, while some want to form a relationship as soon as possible to forget the earlier one. Both of theses choices carry danger. The best alternative is to wait for sometime and when you find your stability and self esteem back, try and form another relationship. Are you ready for this?

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Passion Ration cited in Divorce

The Passion Ration

The last straw to finalize divorce proceedings in a marriage is when adultery is committed. I would say the hurt is unbearable for the loving partner who has been betrayed. Innocent Parties like the children and family members automatically become involved to take their share of the heartache when a marriage collapses.

Many couples manage to salvage what is left of their relationship and carry on regardless fighting a lost cause. It is not easy to put your feelings and emotions on hold. Emotions are a powerful force that comes back with vengeance filling you with anger and in some cases hate.

All the respect and trust has gone leaving that once happy relationship a farce. They say you forgive and forget. Sorry having none of it, forgive yes forget no, mental scarring does not heal.

So much suffering is caused by a one night stand or affairs that normally do not last long after the guilty party has lost everything. Ask your self is it worth it.

I do not condone such behavior where a man or woman strays outside the Marital Home to seek pleasure; only in some cases there are reasons why partners go down this road seeking comfort elsewhere.

May be the adulterer is not the guilty one. What of the spouse who decides to ration the passion in the bedroom leaving the partner no choice but to have his or her needs fulfilled outside the marriage.

You need to think twice before making a one sided decision about when you want to play or not play ball in the bedroom. Excuse the pun, but the ball is in your court to put back the missing link that is causing your marriage and partner to suffer.

They say true love never runs smooth, and if that being the case then for a little happiness give me the rough with the smooth any day.

If you have a problem regarding being bored in the bedroom, talk it over with your partner.

Rekindling a relationship is a made a lot easier if both parties participate in trying to understand why such actions were taken in the first place. Talking it through may help you both realize that the marriage is worth saving.

Counseling is out there for couples struggling to come to terms with the fact the marriage is over. Consider the children's feelings throughout any divorce proceedings, they will need time to adapt to having there whole life turned around.

Abide by your marriage vows, if out of spite you decide to sleep alone in the master bedroom then accept the fact that the guilty part is the Betrayer not the Strayer.

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