When things aren't going great in your marriage, do you or your spouse ever threaten to leave? Do you ever use the "D" word? If divorce is something on your mind when you are negotiating a marriage rescue, there are going to be times when it seems as though the finality of divorce is preferable to the pain you are experiencing right now.
It's tempting to glorify divorce to some extent in so far as putting an end to the fighting, the upset, the sleepless nights, and the cyclical tit-for-tat pattern of your negative interactions.
Some people liken their marriage crisis to a big open wound. Gruesome image, I know, but the point made here is that it's open, visible, painful, is never far from your mind, and is going to take a lot of time, care, and attention to get it to heal.
There are no shortcuts when it comes to saving a marriage, and if you are at the beginning of this process and little progress has been made, it's going to be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's not something that will heal overnight. It may take weeks, stretch into months, or even take years before things seem normal again, if ever.
By comparison, a divorce can be seen to deliver peace and finality to your marriage angst and stress in a relatively short period of time. Shift out, file papers, wait a while, divorce finalized.
In some circumstances, the time between filing the petition to decree absolute can be from 4 to 6 months. Obviously it depends on a number of factors, and contesting a divorce pushes the timeframe out much longer, but for many couples it can still seem like a more immediate and attractive option than the uncertainty of counseling, therapy, and discussion of who did what, and why, and how to move forward.
Is that why a divorce seems so tempting?
People tell themselves that a divorce is going to end the pain sooner and bring you closer to a resolution where you can get on with your life. But at what cost?
The cost of divorce is something that is almost always overlooked before the decision is made. A study by Lenore Weitzman in her book "The Divorce Revolution" cites that a man's standard of living decreases an average 42 percent, while a woman's standard of living decreases a staggering 73 percent in the first year after divorce!
The reduction in standard of living can have far-reaching consequences, especially where children are involved, and can lead to being forced to live in sub-standard housing, less healthy dietary options due to lack of income, and diminished income for recreation and leisure. Gone is the assumption that you can live the same life you had on your own, and the stress of managing a life on a significantly reduced living standard can add to the pressure of what is already a difficult time.
Can you afford to keep your car, or do you need to sell it and buy something cheaper? What sort of house can you afford to live in? Do you have to shift neighborhoods, away from your friends so you can afford the rent or mortgage? Can you afford to keep your children in the same schools? What impact is this upheaval having on them?
Marriages in trouble seem unfair enough to children, but a reduction of living standards associated with divorce seems especially unfair when there is no money available for recreation and leisure activities. Like it says in many reports and books, the first casualties of divorce are children.
So let's put it another way, if you knew your standard of living was going to be reduced as much as that, would you still make the decision to go ahead and divorce? Many couples spoken to afer divorce said they would have given their marriages another chance if they realized that divorce was going to have such a lasting socio-economic impact on their lives.
So the reduction in income is a significant factor in divorce. So is the high cost of petitioning and processing a divorce. Lawyers charge an increasing amount per hour ever year, and if asset separations or divorces themselves are contested, it's an easy way to let your legal bills spiral.
I know of a number of couples that I have spoken to in consultations that after several years of arguing through lawyers and courtrooms, had little left in the way of assets to separate! In their quest to get what they believed they deserved, the bulk of their settlement went towards paying protracted legal fees.
If you have children, it gets even more complicated. Child custody, deciding who lives where and when, dividing children's things between homes, managing your own life as well as childrens' sports practises and other interests, all of this takes on a new significance when you are facing it without the support of your spouse.
Do you have to buy separate clothes for your children when they are with you, or do the clothes and shoes go between houses?
All of a sudden the appeal of divorce is starting to lose its gloss.
Next comes your friends. When a divorce happens, friends are torn between the two of you and feel obligated to take sides. They may choose your spouse instead of you, which can come as a shock. The friends you once had seem a little more distant.
Friends that you thought would stick by you no longer call or drop by, and have increasingly busy lives that no longer include you. That's because you no longer have as much in common. You are single, where your friends are all married and have spouses. They aren't about to let you too close to their spouses, as you can be seen as a threat now that you no longer have a man or woman in your life.
When you choose to divorce, you lose much more than your spouse and your old way of life. In choosing to divorce, you also lose many of your friends.
Next comes the dating scene. All of a sudden you are single again, and facing the scene with frightened and wary new eyes. Everything that seemed familar to you five or ten years ago when you were dating, all of a sudden seems different.
For a start, you are five or ten years older, and the men your age have either moved on from the bars you used to go to, or the ones left aren't the ones you are interested in. Where are all the attractive, available men your age? It's back to the dating drawing board and relearning how to make it as a single man or woman, only this time with baggage.
Considering the high social and economic impact of divorce, doesn't it seem right that you should give your marriage your best shot?
You can't change the past, or how you and your spouse are feeling about the relationship at the present, but you can change your future. You don't have to be a divorce statistic. You can change your destiny if you want to.
It all starts with making a commitment to each other and your marriage, and taking divorce off the table as an option.
Showing posts with label save the marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label save the marriage. Show all posts
Tips For Avoiding A Divorce
If you have a marriage in trouble but you want to avoid divorce, you should know that you have great options for saving the relationship. The exact resources and tools used to put the broken pieces back together will depend on the reason for the problem. As an example, if your wife or husband was unfaithful, counseling can often help sort things out. Therefore, prior to doing anything, you need to identity the reason for the problem in the first place.
Other than infidelity, couples struggle with financial issues, which is a huge factor that can lead to divorce. Typically, both couples work full-time, which helps pay for the house, car, raising kids, paying bills, and even vacation. Unfortunately, many couples overextend, meaning they live on borrowed money. Of all factors, credit cards are the most common problem.
When more money goes out than comes in, massive stress takes over, leading to fights. Before long, the husband and wife are disagreeing on who makes more, what should or should not be purchased, who was at fault, and so on. Then to make matters worse, phone calls and collection companies begin to call wanting to know where the mortgage, car, or credit payment are. For the married couple, it soon becomes too much to handle.
If you find that you and your spouse are on the verge of divorce specific to problems with finances, for the sake of the marriage, go visit a finance advisor or credit counseling company to help get things back on track. In this case, counselors would act as the go-between for you and your creditors. In fact, these counselors are professionals who help set up a repayment plan and then work on a budget for the future.
Just because a married couple is having financial problems does not mean divorce is imminent. In fact, using a mediator or counselor can be a huge assistance. The reason is that the blame-game ends so the problem can reach a solution. Start by putting any differences aside and stop blaming each other. Then, create a solid plan for getting out of debt while also saving money.
Most importantly, to avoid divorce, start communicating. Unless you talk, you can never work things out. Keep in mind that good communication does not mean yelling, it means talking as adults. Therefore, take time so the two of you can sit down face-to-face to discuss the current situation, regardless of the problem. If anger is too high, the services of a professional marriage counselor can help. Just remind yourself that it takes time but with dedication and determination, divorce can be avoided.
*****************************
Find out how to avoid divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Other than infidelity, couples struggle with financial issues, which is a huge factor that can lead to divorce. Typically, both couples work full-time, which helps pay for the house, car, raising kids, paying bills, and even vacation. Unfortunately, many couples overextend, meaning they live on borrowed money. Of all factors, credit cards are the most common problem.
When more money goes out than comes in, massive stress takes over, leading to fights. Before long, the husband and wife are disagreeing on who makes more, what should or should not be purchased, who was at fault, and so on. Then to make matters worse, phone calls and collection companies begin to call wanting to know where the mortgage, car, or credit payment are. For the married couple, it soon becomes too much to handle.
If you find that you and your spouse are on the verge of divorce specific to problems with finances, for the sake of the marriage, go visit a finance advisor or credit counseling company to help get things back on track. In this case, counselors would act as the go-between for you and your creditors. In fact, these counselors are professionals who help set up a repayment plan and then work on a budget for the future.
Just because a married couple is having financial problems does not mean divorce is imminent. In fact, using a mediator or counselor can be a huge assistance. The reason is that the blame-game ends so the problem can reach a solution. Start by putting any differences aside and stop blaming each other. Then, create a solid plan for getting out of debt while also saving money.
Most importantly, to avoid divorce, start communicating. Unless you talk, you can never work things out. Keep in mind that good communication does not mean yelling, it means talking as adults. Therefore, take time so the two of you can sit down face-to-face to discuss the current situation, regardless of the problem. If anger is too high, the services of a professional marriage counselor can help. Just remind yourself that it takes time but with dedication and determination, divorce can be avoided.
*****************************
Find out how to avoid divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.
Be Courteous and Save the Marriage
The wedding celebration is summed up with the exchange of the "I do’s." This is just the beginning. There are more exchanges of words expected. However, to have a lasting relationship, respect is the key.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, respect is such a big word. It is a big factor in any relationship. It is the foundation of love and trust. Any married couple encountering difficulties in their relationships can simply go back to this fundamental.
To maintain harmony, each of the spouses must manifest respect to the other. Simply be courteous, both in words and in actions.
Most people associate courtesy with etiquette. That is why most people think it is very burdensome. Some people even claim that they want to be laid back in a serious relationship, that there is no need for pretenses or formalities.
However, courtesy is not all about table manners or social formalities. It is simply an active choice of doing the proper things at the proper time, like displaying gratitude when there is something to be thankful for or expressing sweet words of love.
Say the Magic Word
Do not let politeness be forgotten in the relationship. To be courteous to each other is not difficult. One only has to remember the magic words taught back in the kindergarten days. Here are some phrases that would definitely count.
1. "Please."
Requesting for something to be done will sound better if coupled with this simple word.
2. "Thank You."
These two words express gratitude for someone who went out of the way to do something special.
3. "You're welcome."
Even in married life, each of the spouses still deserves such sweet and comforting phrases. Their lasting effects are not to be underestimated. These words never go out of style.
Be Courteous in Your Actions
Courtesy can also be extended on many other occasions.
It would be a good thought to return phone calls. Leaving a note behind to simply inform the itinerary or destination for the day will also assure the husband or the wife. Remembering and celebrating anniversaries and birthdays are definitely plus points.
Do not fall out of these habits. Common courtesy is deserved by others. Coupled with the thought of doing such things will definitely make the spouse worthy of respect.
The simplest and most ordinary things done everyday are actually the best things to take note of when trying to improve the marriage. If one aims for more intimacy and openness in the marriage, such simple and intimate ways of communication must be encouraged.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, respect is such a big word. It is a big factor in any relationship. It is the foundation of love and trust. Any married couple encountering difficulties in their relationships can simply go back to this fundamental.
To maintain harmony, each of the spouses must manifest respect to the other. Simply be courteous, both in words and in actions.
Most people associate courtesy with etiquette. That is why most people think it is very burdensome. Some people even claim that they want to be laid back in a serious relationship, that there is no need for pretenses or formalities.
However, courtesy is not all about table manners or social formalities. It is simply an active choice of doing the proper things at the proper time, like displaying gratitude when there is something to be thankful for or expressing sweet words of love.
Say the Magic Word
Do not let politeness be forgotten in the relationship. To be courteous to each other is not difficult. One only has to remember the magic words taught back in the kindergarten days. Here are some phrases that would definitely count.
1. "Please."
Requesting for something to be done will sound better if coupled with this simple word.
2. "Thank You."
These two words express gratitude for someone who went out of the way to do something special.
3. "You're welcome."
Even in married life, each of the spouses still deserves such sweet and comforting phrases. Their lasting effects are not to be underestimated. These words never go out of style.
Be Courteous in Your Actions
Courtesy can also be extended on many other occasions.
It would be a good thought to return phone calls. Leaving a note behind to simply inform the itinerary or destination for the day will also assure the husband or the wife. Remembering and celebrating anniversaries and birthdays are definitely plus points.
Do not fall out of these habits. Common courtesy is deserved by others. Coupled with the thought of doing such things will definitely make the spouse worthy of respect.
The simplest and most ordinary things done everyday are actually the best things to take note of when trying to improve the marriage. If one aims for more intimacy and openness in the marriage, such simple and intimate ways of communication must be encouraged.
How To Solve Marriage Problems
'Til death do us part?’
On solving marriage problems
In today’s world, the moment the spark is gone in a marriage, the couple would automatically consider divorce as the best solution. They want to be out of the relationship...fast. But marriage problems could be solved without going to the lawyer and filing for that separation.
Married couples always need a tip or two. So here they are: simple things that could save the marriage from a potential catastrophe.
1. One word: compromise.
A husband and a wife should make things work by both compromising. They must know when to give and when to take. Remember that, for a relationship to grow, both parties must give way to the other.
2. Be positive.
A married couple has to always look at the brighter side. They must remember that they got married because they love each other and that they swore that they would be together until death would take them apart. For every shortcoming of the partner, the other must think of the 10 positive things that would somehow give redemption.
3. Have state-of-the-union talk.
This is important. The married couple could go out for a walk and talk. Both must be sympathetic listeners and should not dismiss each other's sentiments and complaints. They must remember that neither of the two should be rude.
4. Go on a trip.
Second honeymoon, anyone? Maybe what a "tired" married couple needs is just a time off, an escape to a place where love could be rekindled.
5. Solve one problem at a time.
Solve multiple problems by resolving one at a time. Trying to solve things all at once can be overwhelming and cause more disagreement.
6. Pray together.
A married couple might want to consider praying together and allowing some spiritual intervention. This might make things easier.
7. Seek professional help.
Sign up for a marriage retreat or consult a marriage counselor. This is a drastic step - but this would help the couple in the long run.
"I need space," "I don't think the marriage is working out," "Let's just split up," and "Meet my divorce lawyer" -- these statements are harsh and common to couples who are about to say goodbye to a lifetime commitment. While solving marriage problems is never a cinch, the couple must think that it would be more difficult to let go of a relationship that was once greatly revered than to rebuild it. Fight for that love!
If you still have faith in your marriage, do not give up easily. Though saving a marriage is not always easy, with the right approach it is possible even if you are the only one interested. Get a free mini e-course NOW on how to save your marriage.
On solving marriage problems
In today’s world, the moment the spark is gone in a marriage, the couple would automatically consider divorce as the best solution. They want to be out of the relationship...fast. But marriage problems could be solved without going to the lawyer and filing for that separation.
Married couples always need a tip or two. So here they are: simple things that could save the marriage from a potential catastrophe.
1. One word: compromise.
A husband and a wife should make things work by both compromising. They must know when to give and when to take. Remember that, for a relationship to grow, both parties must give way to the other.
2. Be positive.
A married couple has to always look at the brighter side. They must remember that they got married because they love each other and that they swore that they would be together until death would take them apart. For every shortcoming of the partner, the other must think of the 10 positive things that would somehow give redemption.
3. Have state-of-the-union talk.
This is important. The married couple could go out for a walk and talk. Both must be sympathetic listeners and should not dismiss each other's sentiments and complaints. They must remember that neither of the two should be rude.
4. Go on a trip.
Second honeymoon, anyone? Maybe what a "tired" married couple needs is just a time off, an escape to a place where love could be rekindled.
5. Solve one problem at a time.
Solve multiple problems by resolving one at a time. Trying to solve things all at once can be overwhelming and cause more disagreement.
6. Pray together.
A married couple might want to consider praying together and allowing some spiritual intervention. This might make things easier.
7. Seek professional help.
Sign up for a marriage retreat or consult a marriage counselor. This is a drastic step - but this would help the couple in the long run.
"I need space," "I don't think the marriage is working out," "Let's just split up," and "Meet my divorce lawyer" -- these statements are harsh and common to couples who are about to say goodbye to a lifetime commitment. While solving marriage problems is never a cinch, the couple must think that it would be more difficult to let go of a relationship that was once greatly revered than to rebuild it. Fight for that love!
If you still have faith in your marriage, do not give up easily. Though saving a marriage is not always easy, with the right approach it is possible even if you are the only one interested. Get a free mini e-course NOW on how to save your marriage.
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