Today's consultation centers around the issue of one partner falling out of love, either due to the onset of a mid-life crisis, or a depressive episode. This particular couple had been married for a number of years and have four children. This couple would be described by those around them as a stable middle-class family.
In addition to the husband falling out of love, he stated he wasn't sure if he wanted closure on the relationship and wanted the option to come back if he changed his mind. He also placed conditions on the separation, stating that he felt neither of them should date for a while and that they could continue to attend functions as friends.
The idea of a partner wanting out of the relationship is hard enough, but this client is finding it hard with the uncertainty and the conditions placed on the separation.
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Here is my advice:
Hi there,
Thanks for your email.
It sounds as though you have had a really difficult time of things dealing with your husband's depression and the breakup of your family and way of life. I have read through your submission closely and can see a number of issues that need to be dealt with.
The first is your husband's depression and his ability to function on the right medication. Finding the correct medication is a difficult process, and finding the correct type of medication and the correct levels of dosage can be an ongoing process. Your husband's refusal to receive any counseling or therapy troubles me. He assumes that by removing himself from the marriage that he is removing himself from the problem, and that his happiness is tied somehow to his ability to change his living arrangements and responsibilities to his wife and children.
He is kidding himself. What this indicates to me is that he doesn't really understand what it is about his life that makes him unhappy. That's where counseling comes in. You need to do everything to encourage him to get some counseling. Medication is only a temporary fix. Counseling will help him actually face and deal with the problems that are affecting him. Even if he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, he could do individual counseling.
He also assumes that you will still be able to go to parties and events but just as friends. It sounds as though he hasn't really considered the implications of divorce. Yes, you can maintain contact on a friendly level, but to assume that you would continue to go to parties together is just plain ignorant. That's just not normal.
He tells you that you can go to parties together as friends, and that you should not see anyone for a while, just in case he changes his mind, that you shouldn't move, and that he doesn't want to be around you or with you. This sounds as though he has the best of both worlds. He absolves himself of responsibility to his wife and family, yet believes he can still control how you will live your life without him.
You need to be more assertive. Divorce has consequences. If you want to leave town, you have the right to do so. Tell him. You need to communicate with him how you are feeling when he tells you these things. He expects you to put your life on hold in case he later changes his mind. This is unacceptable, and you need to tell him this. If he divorces you, you will date other people, reduce your contact with him, and shift away. You need to point out to him how his decisions are going to have consequences both for you and for him.
I understand that he is depressed, but he is also being very selfish. His selfish actions have an effect on more than just him and you. You have children to think about too. How do they feel about this? How are they coping? You need to listen to their feelings too.
When he comes over you need to continue to work on your communication and sharing your feelings. Your feelings are just as important as his. It is a difficult situation, but you can't let him walk all over you. He will if you let him. At the moment all of the decisions are centered around what is good for him. It is time you started communicating your feelings to him and making some decisions that are good for you.
Showing posts with label communication breakdown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication breakdown. Show all posts
When Is The Last Time You Listened?
It may sound simple, but it's true.
"Listen, learn, live."
Even though people think they know everything they need to know about a marriage problem, I will let you in on a little secret... THEY DON"T!
It's so frustrating how people don't listen to their partners when they are in conflict situations. Saying that, the ability to listen in conflict situations is difficult unless you are aware of your need to listen carefully. You may be anticipating what they are saying and rehearsing your reply, you may be retreating back within yourself and protecting yourself from hurtful comments, or you may be concentrating on ways to hurt your partner in reaction to the hurt you are feeling.
Listening is a crucial skill however, and none as important as when you are in a crisis situation with your partner. In order to understand your partner's perspective you need to understand what they are trying to tell you. It can be hard enough in a conflict situation to make sense of what is being said, as your partner may or may not express their feelings in a clear manner.
However, if you are unprepared to listen, you are going to be unable to resolve this conflict and address the issues that have arisen in your relationship. If you are serious about resolving conflicts and dealing with your issues so that you can rebuild your marriage, you need to develop skills to listen.
Listening is part of your commitment to your partner. If you are able to listen carefully to your partner, you are firstly showing them respect by letting them voice their opinion. You are also able to show your commitment to resolving your issues in an appropriate manner. You are able to put aside your own interests and agendas and look at issues through your partner's eyes. Quite often the ability to listen attentively to your partner will help save a lot of time and misunderstanding. A lot of conflict arises as a result of misunderstanding, and attentive listening goes a long way towards combating this.
But there is a lot more to it than simply sitting quietly while your partner has their say. You actually need to process the information that your partner is giving you. This is more complicated than it sounds. There are a lot of barriers that inhibit your ability to fully process the information that your partner is giving you.
These include:
Filtering
This is when you listen to some things and not others. People filter when they either start to hear something they don't like to hear, or if they assume that they don't need to respond to their partner. For many, it is a classic self-defense tactic.
Daydreaming or zoning out
It's hard to stay focused all the time, and occasionally your attention can wander. This is especially common if you have a lot on your mind. If your partner is talking about something that you are not particularly interested in or want to avoid, you may zone out to avoid having to deal with it.
Holding your position
You may be so hell-bent on maintaining your position in an argument that nothing you hear is going to change your opinion. For many couples it is a case of foolish pride that prevents them from changing their stance or backing down. It also means that they stop listening to any other opinion other than their own.
Advising
Your keenness to smooth the problem over and fix it derails any opportunity for your partner to voice their feelings. Your eagerness to resolve the conflict and smooth things over prevents your partner from expressing their frustration, hurt or anger and prevents you from learning from this conflict and addressing the real issues. Slow down, listen to your partner's concerns, and then act. There is plenty of time to solve the conflict properly.
Distracting or derailing
You change the subject or make a joke to take the attention away from the issue that is being raised. This often happens when people feel uncomfortable discussing a subject.
Next time you are discussing an issue or having an exchange of opinions, have a think about how you are listening to your partner.
Are you employing any of these strategies?
What topics do you have the most trouble listening to?
Assess your listening skills next time you are communicating with your partner. Awareness of these blocks to your listening is the first step to better communication and saving marriages.
"Listen, learn, live."
Even though people think they know everything they need to know about a marriage problem, I will let you in on a little secret... THEY DON"T!
It's so frustrating how people don't listen to their partners when they are in conflict situations. Saying that, the ability to listen in conflict situations is difficult unless you are aware of your need to listen carefully. You may be anticipating what they are saying and rehearsing your reply, you may be retreating back within yourself and protecting yourself from hurtful comments, or you may be concentrating on ways to hurt your partner in reaction to the hurt you are feeling.
Listening is a crucial skill however, and none as important as when you are in a crisis situation with your partner. In order to understand your partner's perspective you need to understand what they are trying to tell you. It can be hard enough in a conflict situation to make sense of what is being said, as your partner may or may not express their feelings in a clear manner.
However, if you are unprepared to listen, you are going to be unable to resolve this conflict and address the issues that have arisen in your relationship. If you are serious about resolving conflicts and dealing with your issues so that you can rebuild your marriage, you need to develop skills to listen.
Listening is part of your commitment to your partner. If you are able to listen carefully to your partner, you are firstly showing them respect by letting them voice their opinion. You are also able to show your commitment to resolving your issues in an appropriate manner. You are able to put aside your own interests and agendas and look at issues through your partner's eyes. Quite often the ability to listen attentively to your partner will help save a lot of time and misunderstanding. A lot of conflict arises as a result of misunderstanding, and attentive listening goes a long way towards combating this.
But there is a lot more to it than simply sitting quietly while your partner has their say. You actually need to process the information that your partner is giving you. This is more complicated than it sounds. There are a lot of barriers that inhibit your ability to fully process the information that your partner is giving you.
These include:
Filtering
This is when you listen to some things and not others. People filter when they either start to hear something they don't like to hear, or if they assume that they don't need to respond to their partner. For many, it is a classic self-defense tactic.
Daydreaming or zoning out
It's hard to stay focused all the time, and occasionally your attention can wander. This is especially common if you have a lot on your mind. If your partner is talking about something that you are not particularly interested in or want to avoid, you may zone out to avoid having to deal with it.
Holding your position
You may be so hell-bent on maintaining your position in an argument that nothing you hear is going to change your opinion. For many couples it is a case of foolish pride that prevents them from changing their stance or backing down. It also means that they stop listening to any other opinion other than their own.
Advising
Your keenness to smooth the problem over and fix it derails any opportunity for your partner to voice their feelings. Your eagerness to resolve the conflict and smooth things over prevents your partner from expressing their frustration, hurt or anger and prevents you from learning from this conflict and addressing the real issues. Slow down, listen to your partner's concerns, and then act. There is plenty of time to solve the conflict properly.
Distracting or derailing
You change the subject or make a joke to take the attention away from the issue that is being raised. This often happens when people feel uncomfortable discussing a subject.
Next time you are discussing an issue or having an exchange of opinions, have a think about how you are listening to your partner.
Are you employing any of these strategies?
What topics do you have the most trouble listening to?
Assess your listening skills next time you are communicating with your partner. Awareness of these blocks to your listening is the first step to better communication and saving marriages.
Looking at Communication Breakdown
It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.
This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. My partner told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I lashed back in defense. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of aftershave. But to me, it represented something much deeper, that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be. Worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don't know the first place to begin searching.
Aftershave, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my partner when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"
I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I'm very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.
I don't expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don't expect you to cook my dinner every night" was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.
So where to from here? My partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas I felt guilty if it wasn't perfect. It was never about me trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.
Communication, communication, communication. I need for my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. It is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.
When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.
We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.
If you want to win back the love of your ex, then I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy of:
==> http://tinyurl.com/24kjxha
==> http://46a46m1bwnr3apbfmfrkmf-ccn.hop.clickbank.net/
This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. My partner told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I lashed back in defense. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of aftershave. But to me, it represented something much deeper, that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be. Worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don't know the first place to begin searching.
Aftershave, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my partner when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"
I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I'm very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.
I don't expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don't expect you to cook my dinner every night" was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.
So where to from here? My partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas I felt guilty if it wasn't perfect. It was never about me trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.
Communication, communication, communication. I need for my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. It is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.
When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.
We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.
If you want to win back the love of your ex, then I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy of:
==> http://tinyurl.com/24kjxha
==> http://46a46m1bwnr3apbfmfrkmf-ccn.hop.clickbank.net/
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