Separation is a serious issue, and not every trial separation will result in renewed feelings of love and understanding. Many, if not most, will show the couple that their lives are on different paths and that a divorce will be the best option.
But how do you know whether you should get back together or not? It's one of the most profoundly important decisions you could possibly make in life, and certainly the most important you will ever make in the life of your marriage.
Well first, if you're going to embark on a trial separation, make sure that it's structured in a way that will not create more resentment than necessary. Make sure that all aspects of the separation are negotiated, financial arrangements are made, visitation with the kids is scheduled, and most importantly, make sure that your spouse understands that a trial separation will not necessarily doom the marriage or lead to divorce. Making sure that the beginning of a separation is set up in this way will reduce additional stresses so that you and your partner can focus on the real relationship issues at hand.
Also, make sure that there is a plan in place for doing emotional work. Make sure that you both know why the separation is taking place and what it is exactly you are both supposed to be working out through this time apart. This way, when it's time to evaluate the time you've spent apart and the emotional work you've done, it won't be clouded with other elements, stresses, or resentments.
Now, after a certain prearranged period of time has passed, examine your feelings honestly and frankly. After a few months, you will undoubtedly begin developing feelings about whether you should remain in the marriage or call it quits, but it's good to refrain from acting on these feelings until the entire separation period has passed.
One of the most important elements in coming to a decision is whether anything fundamental has changed. Frequently, a couple will feel a renewed surge of sexual attraction and romance after being apart. This is a good sign - but if the core issues that drove you apart to begin with haven't been remedied, or at least addressed, they will resurface and cause the same problems again.
If you decide that continuing the relationship will result in a dead end scenario, with no hope for improvement, then it's best to cut your losses, find emotional support to get you through the divorce, and move on. On the other hand, if you decide to get back together, be sure to lay the groundwork for a healthy and renewed relationship.
Begin by spending more and more time together, avoiding a situation in which you simply move back in together immediately. This will ease you both back into the rhythms of a marriage
Most importantly, don't expect everything to be perfect. All marriages have their problems, and you and your spouse will continue to have setbacks, but a mutual understanding of problems and issues and a commitment to solve them is really what matters.
Showing posts with label marriage separation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage separation. Show all posts
Faced Separation? Sometimes it's best to take time apart
It's a cliché because it's true: sometimes some time apart can save a marriage. It seems counterintuitive, but trial separation can actually be a really proactive step toward healing and saving a troubled marriage. The most important thing you can do for a relationship is to know when the stress and anxiety of everyday
life together is getting in the way of communication, happiness, or even your ability to cope. Time apart can help you to regain perspective and allow what time you do have together to be honest, productive, and constructive.
The dynamic of a relationship can change in many ways over the years, and when it changes, perception can become so clouded, and so much stress can result, that time apart can be the only way to save the relationship. Profound life changes can result from a major illness in the family, a career loss or change, or when either of these things creates profound financial stress. Sometimes it's good to figure these things out for yourself, and in the face of the kind of confusion these feelings can create, distance might be the best medicine.
Separating for a prearranged period of time can give perspective on the reasons you fell in love with your spouse to begin with, remind you that you feel happier and more fulfilled when you're together, and let you remember the good times without being reminded of the difficulties on a daily basis.
In order for a trial separation to work, you both need to be very clear about what it involves and what expectations you place on each other during the separation period. You also need to both be very clear about what you hope to achieve from this separation agreement. Is this a trial, is it simply giving him some space, or is this a prelude to divorce? You need to be very clear what this is and how you both expect to go about it.
You need to be able to sit down and discuss the issues, the point in having a temporary separation and/or a formal agreement, what goals you expect to achieve, how you are going to reach these goals, how often you are going to maintain contact, and what expectations you are going to place on each other regarding dating others, sex, and how you are going to monitor if you are making progress in rebuilding your marriage. It is about much more than simply shifting out to give each other space. Doing this without discussing how you move forward from this is in fact a step backwards and works against you saving your marriage.
The most difficult part of this process is deciding when things are dire enough that a trial separation would be the best thing for the marriage and do more potential good than harm. Each couple will come to this realization at different times and after differing levels of crisis and stress. Generally, however, there are a few
points in a relationship that will signal that a separation is best for most couples.
If you are constantly preoccupied with the thought of leaving, this is no small fantasy. This is a major red flag, and certainly a time when a trial separation should be seriously considered. But let's think about why you're preoccupied with leaving. Certainly these thoughts would occur regularly is the bad times outnumbered the
good. This is also a red flag and a good time to rethink things. When there is more pain and sadness than happiness, then there is little reason to stay. A major personal reinvention is in order. Also, when the same serious issues come up in arguments and they never seem to resolve themselves. This may be a time when distance can provide perspective and a little bit of time for personal reflection.
But remember, a trial separation is a serious, last ditch effort to affect change in a relationship. It is not to be taken lightly, as a separation can remind you of the good times and bring you back together with your spouse, but it can also - and perhaps more easily - show you that a divorce is the best route to take.
life together is getting in the way of communication, happiness, or even your ability to cope. Time apart can help you to regain perspective and allow what time you do have together to be honest, productive, and constructive.
The dynamic of a relationship can change in many ways over the years, and when it changes, perception can become so clouded, and so much stress can result, that time apart can be the only way to save the relationship. Profound life changes can result from a major illness in the family, a career loss or change, or when either of these things creates profound financial stress. Sometimes it's good to figure these things out for yourself, and in the face of the kind of confusion these feelings can create, distance might be the best medicine.
Separating for a prearranged period of time can give perspective on the reasons you fell in love with your spouse to begin with, remind you that you feel happier and more fulfilled when you're together, and let you remember the good times without being reminded of the difficulties on a daily basis.
In order for a trial separation to work, you both need to be very clear about what it involves and what expectations you place on each other during the separation period. You also need to both be very clear about what you hope to achieve from this separation agreement. Is this a trial, is it simply giving him some space, or is this a prelude to divorce? You need to be very clear what this is and how you both expect to go about it.
You need to be able to sit down and discuss the issues, the point in having a temporary separation and/or a formal agreement, what goals you expect to achieve, how you are going to reach these goals, how often you are going to maintain contact, and what expectations you are going to place on each other regarding dating others, sex, and how you are going to monitor if you are making progress in rebuilding your marriage. It is about much more than simply shifting out to give each other space. Doing this without discussing how you move forward from this is in fact a step backwards and works against you saving your marriage.
The most difficult part of this process is deciding when things are dire enough that a trial separation would be the best thing for the marriage and do more potential good than harm. Each couple will come to this realization at different times and after differing levels of crisis and stress. Generally, however, there are a few
points in a relationship that will signal that a separation is best for most couples.
If you are constantly preoccupied with the thought of leaving, this is no small fantasy. This is a major red flag, and certainly a time when a trial separation should be seriously considered. But let's think about why you're preoccupied with leaving. Certainly these thoughts would occur regularly is the bad times outnumbered the
good. This is also a red flag and a good time to rethink things. When there is more pain and sadness than happiness, then there is little reason to stay. A major personal reinvention is in order. Also, when the same serious issues come up in arguments and they never seem to resolve themselves. This may be a time when distance can provide perspective and a little bit of time for personal reflection.
But remember, a trial separation is a serious, last ditch effort to affect change in a relationship. It is not to be taken lightly, as a separation can remind you of the good times and bring you back together with your spouse, but it can also - and perhaps more easily - show you that a divorce is the best route to take.
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