Have you and your partner fallen out of love?

Today's consultation centers around the issue of one partner falling out of love, either due to the onset of a mid-life crisis, or a depressive episode. This particular couple had been married for a number of years and have four children. This couple would be described by those around them as a stable middle-class family.

In addition to the husband falling out of love, he stated he wasn't sure if he wanted closure on the relationship and wanted the option to come back if he changed his mind. He also placed conditions on the separation, stating that he felt neither of them should date for a while and that they could continue to attend functions as friends.

The idea of a partner wanting out of the relationship is hard enough, but this client is finding it hard with the uncertainty and the conditions placed on the separation.

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Here is my advice:

Hi there,

Thanks for your email.

It sounds as though you have had a really difficult time of things dealing with your husband's depression and the breakup of your family and way of life. I have read through your submission closely and can see a number of issues that need to be dealt with.

The first is your husband's depression and his ability to function on the right medication. Finding the correct medication is a difficult process, and finding the correct type of medication and the correct levels of dosage can be an ongoing process. Your husband's refusal to receive any counseling or therapy troubles me. He assumes that by removing himself from the marriage that he is removing himself from the problem, and that his happiness is tied somehow to his ability to change his living arrangements and responsibilities to his wife and children.

He is kidding himself. What this indicates to me is that he doesn't really understand what it is about his life that makes him unhappy. That's where counseling comes in. You need to do everything to encourage him to get some counseling. Medication is only a temporary fix. Counseling will help him actually face and deal with the problems that are affecting him. Even if he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, he could do individual counseling.

He also assumes that you will still be able to go to parties and events but just as friends. It sounds as though he hasn't really considered the implications of divorce. Yes, you can maintain contact on a friendly level, but to assume that you would continue to go to parties together is just plain ignorant. That's just not normal.

He tells you that you can go to parties together as friends, and that you should not see anyone for a while, just in case he changes his mind, that you shouldn't move, and that he doesn't want to be around you or with you. This sounds as though he has the best of both worlds. He absolves himself of responsibility to his wife and family, yet believes he can still control how you will live your life without him.

You need to be more assertive. Divorce has consequences. If you want to leave town, you have the right to do so. Tell him. You need to communicate with him how you are feeling when he tells you these things. He expects you to put your life on hold in case he later changes his mind. This is unacceptable, and you need to tell him this. If he divorces you, you will date other people, reduce your contact with him, and shift away. You need to point out to him how his decisions are going to have consequences both for you and for him.

I understand that he is depressed, but he is also being very selfish. His selfish actions have an effect on more than just him and you. You have children to think about too. How do they feel about this? How are they coping? You need to listen to their feelings too.

When he comes over you need to continue to work on your communication and sharing your feelings. Your feelings are just as important as his. It is a difficult situation, but you can't let him walk all over you. He will if you let him. At the moment all of the decisions are centered around what is good for him. It is time you started communicating your feelings to him and making some decisions that are good for you.