Saving A Marriage

Why Divorce Isn't an Option

2010-11-08T23:55:00.000-08:00

When things aren't going great in your marriage, do you or your spouse ever threaten to leave? Do you ever use the "D" word? If divorce is something on your mind when you are negotiating a marriage rescue, there are going to be times when it seems as though the finality of divorce is preferable to the pain you are experiencing right now.

It's tempting to glorify divorce to some extent in so far as putting an end to the fighting, the upset, the sleepless nights, and the cyclical tit-for-tat pattern of your negative interactions.

Some people liken their marriage crisis to a big open wound. Gruesome image, I know, but the point made here is that it's open, visible, painful, is never far from your mind, and is going to take a lot of time, care, and attention to get it to heal.

There are no shortcuts when it comes to saving a marriage, and if you are at the beginning of this process and little progress has been made, it's going to be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's not something that will heal overnight. It may take weeks, stretch into months, or even take years before things seem normal again, if ever.

By comparison, a divorce can be seen to deliver peace and finality to your marriage angst and stress in a relatively short period of time. Shift out, file papers, wait a while, divorce finalized.

In some circumstances, the time between filing the petition to decree absolute can be from 4 to 6 months. Obviously it depends on a number of factors, and contesting a divorce pushes the timeframe out much longer, but for many couples it can still seem like a more immediate and attractive option than the uncertainty of counseling, therapy, and discussion of who did what, and why, and how to move forward.

Is that why a divorce seems so tempting?

People tell themselves that a divorce is going to end the pain sooner and bring you closer to a resolution where you can get on with your life. But at what cost?

The cost of divorce is something that is almost always overlooked before the decision is made. A study by Lenore Weitzman in her book "The Divorce Revolution" cites that a man's standard of living decreases an average 42 percent, while a woman's standard of living decreases a staggering 73 percent in the first year after divorce!

The reduction in standard of living can have far-reaching consequences, especially where children are involved, and can lead to being forced to live in sub-standard housing, less healthy dietary options due to lack of income, and diminished income for recreation and leisure. Gone is the assumption that you can live the same life you had on your own, and the stress of managing a life on a significantly reduced living standard can add to the pressure of what is already a difficult time.

Can you afford to keep your car, or do you need to sell it and buy something cheaper? What sort of house can you afford to live in? Do you have to shift neighborhoods, away from your friends so you can afford the rent or mortgage? Can you afford to keep your children in the same schools? What impact is this upheaval having on them?

Marriages in trouble seem unfair enough to children, but a reduction of living standards associated with divorce seems especially unfair when there is no money available for recreation and leisure activities. Like it says in many reports and books, the first casualties of divorce are children.

So let's put it another way, if you knew your standard of living was going to be reduced as much as that, would you still make the decision to go ahead and divorce? Many couples spoken to afer divorce said they would have given their marriages another chance if they realized that divorce was going to have such a lasting socio-economic impact on their lives.

So the reduction in income is a significant factor in divorce. So is the high cost of petitioning and processing a divorce. Lawyers charge an increasing amount per hour ever year, and if asset separations or divorces themselves are contested, it's an easy way to let your legal bills spiral.

I know of a number of couples that I have spoken to in consultations that after several years of arguing through lawyers and courtrooms, had little left in the way of assets to separate! In their quest to get what they believed they deserved, the bulk of their settlement went towards paying protracted legal fees.

If you have children, it gets even more complicated. Child custody, deciding who lives where and when, dividing children's things between homes, managing your own life as well as childrens' sports practises and other interests, all of this takes on a new significance when you are facing it without the support of your spouse.

Do you have to buy separate clothes for your children when they are with you, or do the clothes and shoes go between houses?

All of a sudden the appeal of divorce is starting to lose its gloss.

Next comes your friends. When a divorce happens, friends are torn between the two of you and feel obligated to take sides. They may choose your spouse instead of you, which can come as a shock. The friends you once had seem a little more distant.

Friends that you thought would stick by you no longer call or drop by, and have increasingly busy lives that no longer include you. That's because you no longer have as much in common. You are single, where your friends are all married and have spouses. They aren't about to let you too close to their spouses, as you can be seen as a threat now that you no longer have a man or woman in your life.

When you choose to divorce, you lose much more than your spouse and your old way of life. In choosing to divorce, you also lose many of your friends.

Next comes the dating scene. All of a sudden you are single again, and facing the scene with frightened and wary new eyes. Everything that seemed familar to you five or ten years ago when you were dating, all of a sudden seems different.

For a start, you are five or ten years older, and the men your age have either moved on from the bars you used to go to, or the ones left aren't the ones you are interested in. Where are all the attractive, available men your age? It's back to the dating drawing board and relearning how to make it as a single man or woman, only this time with baggage.

Considering the high social and economic impact of divorce, doesn't it seem right that you should give your marriage your best shot?

You can't change the past, or how you and your spouse are feeling about the relationship at the present, but you can change your future. You don't have to be a divorce statistic. You can change your destiny if you want to.

It all starts with making a commitment to each other and your marriage, and taking divorce off the table as an option.

Relearning Love After a Conflict

2010-11-08T23:48:00.000-08:00

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. After all, in a room with two people there would also be two different perspectives, two sets of beliefs, two different expectations and motivations.

It is not so much the fact that you and your partner will have conflicting opinions and points of view from time to time but your attitude towards this conflict that could spell the difference between having a marriage fraught with tension or a relationship you can continue to trust in spite of disagreements.

There was a movie released back in the late 80's starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner titled "The War of the Roses". It was a dark comedy about how a couple's marriage grew steadily worse due to conflict - in their case, a bitter fight about material possessions.

In the end, their relationship had deteriorated to such violent proportions that their pride, anger and one-upmanship against each other resulted in them fighting themselves to death.

Again, the film was meant to be a comedy but it was a classic example of how two people in a marriage could not sit down and work through their differences. Of course, it is no laughing matter in real life when husband and wife find themselves stuck in constant bickering and feuding.

First and foremost, understand yourself and how you deal with conflict. What makes you react the way you do? Is it too much or too little expectation? Is it simply a lack of control over your emotions?

At the same time, as you try to understand yourself, take a look at conflict from your spouse's point of view.

What causes him or her to react the way he or she does?

Is it simply a matter of being overwhelmed by the daily grind?

Could it be that she feels left alone by you?

Both of you must realize that these reactions come from SOMEWHERE. Possibly from your childhood or ingrained from patterns your parents exhibited.

Once you understand, then you will be able to anticipate and control your reactions. The maxim "Look before you leap" has never been truer than in situations of conflict.

Secondly, do you realize that there are numerous techniques available to you to deal with and resolve conflict?

Rather than resort to escalating blame, shaming and voice raising, you and your spouse can actually sit down and negotiate and mutually come to an agreement. The insights brought on by your mutual introspection above come into play here.

How then do you use what you have come to understand about the situation and about how your partner reacts to work out with your partner a proactive plan of action?

Choosing to be proactive means that you and your partner will always try to actively look for a positive outcome to your conflict situation.

It means that somewhere along the road, you can both sit down again and reevaluate whether what you have put in place still actually works and benefits you both or whether it's time to change your approach.

For more tools and suggestions on how to deal with conflict, we cover this in a section of the Save My Marriage Today! course.

There, you will discover powerful secrets on how to keep your marriage intact through crisis after crisis. The book also shares with you insights and tools about how to recover the love in your relationship even after a conflict situation.

Get your conflict insights here.

Yes, it's possible for a couple to bounce back and rekindle the love and trust they have for each other even if your relationship has been approaching "The War of the Roses" proportions.

The way to do this is not far from the preparatory techniques we have shared previously. Communication, negotiation and focusing on a positive outcome are still key elements. But, in a touchy situation where a rift of anger or tension has driven a couple apart, several key factors also come into play.

First, getting your emotions under control. More often than not, anger comes into play during times of conflict. There's just something about this or that situation that riles us up.

Well, if one truly wants to make a marriage work even after a crisis situation, dealing with that anger is paramount. While anger is an emotion that tells you that you feel strongly about something, what you do with that anger is infinitely more important.

Will you react negatively or positively? Which is better, lashing out at your spouse or transforming your intense emotions into a desire to make things better?

Second, forgiveness. One would think that the couple is called to forgive each other right after a conflict situation. Sure, that's encouraged but we realize that sometimes, forgiveness takes a while. That's ok.

A crisis situation may not require instant fixing but more a cooling off time where each partner can gather their wits about them. More than being called to forgive each other right away, however, each one is also called to forgive themselves.

Acknowledging how each one hurt the other - from a position of accountability rather than blame enables each partner to take responsibility for their marriage and opens up the possibility of coming to understand why the conflict happened and moving on from there.

Taking this position of humility could, in fact, actually make forgiving each other more real and sincere.

Love is a doing word

If you want love back in your marriage even after a conflict situation, you must be first to give it. Love to be loved. Act how you feel and how you want your marriage to turn out.

It is not even a matter of waiting for your partner to make the effort. It begins with you! This is the secret.

Do some acts of loving everyday. They don't have to be grand or spectacular. They just have to be simple and sincere.

If there's anything we would like you to remember to rebuild love in your struggling marriage, it's this: Become loving to be lovable and you may soon see your marriage moving from "The War of the Roses" to coming up roses.

Cheat Proofing Your Relationship

2010-11-08T23:40:00.000-08:00

If there's anything all those country love songs lament about, it's cheating. It's practically a cliché - country song, cheating... cheating... well you get the picture.

With the sheer number of cheating songs out there, one could develop the suspicion that maybe cheating does happen more often than we think.

Based on statistics, up to 75% of relationships will be tainted by unfaithfulness at one point or the other; and in 60% of these, the offended partner will not even know it's going on.

This might seem alarming but it's true and you know it. You probably know someone in your immediate circle of friends and family that's been unfaithful. Heck, you may have considered the thought at times.

But, before you become a love song casualty, is there anything you can do to cheat-proof your relationship?

Of course, there are no guarantees. What we hope to do, however, is to arm you and your partner with enough information, strategies and insights for you to actually make yourselves and your relationship STRONG enough to resist the temptation to cheat.

Read that statement again. It's saying what you think it is. The power to cheat-proof your relationship lies in how you and your partner can put in the effort to make whole, healthy, mature individuals in a whole, healthy, mature relationship.

And building this type of relationship requires information, strategies and insights that would change your attitudes towards each other and relationships in general. There, I've given the secret away.

Let's take it one element at a time.

INFORMATION

Many people think that if someone cheats in a relationship, they are born cheaters. Actually, this is not necessarily true. Sure there are those with chronic, psychological problems but those already require professional, clinical help and are beyond the scope of this newsletter.

In the everyday, run-of-the-mill marriage or relationship cheating is the product of a complex set of factors.

It could be partly behavioral - something from an individual's childhood, even social conditioning (i.e. it's there, you're a guy, take advantage) - but also, more often, a symptom of problems in the relationship.

Men and women also approach cheating differently. Men sometimes cheat because they are not getting sex at home or as avoidance of even bigger problems with their marriage. Women tend to cheat because they want to feel loved, valued and supported.

To begin cheat-proofing your relationship you have to arm yourself with this information. Know why people cheat in general and find out if these conditions could be present in your relationship.

It is important that hand in hand with this you get to know yourself very well.

Why would you do the things you do? What tendencies show up in your behavior?

Additionally, get to know your partner intimately - what are his or her motivations? Attitudes? Tendencies? What factors influence his or her behavior?

All in all, remember this: What you know, you can understand. What you understand, you can choose to keep or choose to change.

ATTITUDES

As you get to know yourself and your partner, take note of the negative attitudes that can actually trigger rather than hinder infidelity in your marriage. Studies have found that there are 2 most common negative attitudes: Jealousy and Perfectionism.

If you pay attention to these 2 attitudes, you'll discover that they both stem from insecurities and lack of self-esteem within OURSELVES. They are not products of our relationship. And, usually, our partner is not even to blame for what is lacking.

We view the world from a hazy perspective. With unwarranted jealousy, something in us fails to trust and always feels that our partner prefers someone else over us.

With perfectionism, we expect that our relationship will be the best it can ever be - placing undue expectations on it and on our partner that, realistically, they can never deliver. After all, in an imperfect world, you can only expect so much.

Become intimately acquainted with these two negative attitudes. Do you have one or the other? Do you find yourself reacting to your partner with these leading the way?

If so, STOP. As you get to know yourself, you have the opportunity to CHANGE yourself. It will only be for your own good and for the good of your relationship that you evolve into a positive, happy secure person.

STRATEGIES

Information, getting to know yourself and your partner... what are these for? Perhaps you fail to remember that the key words here are "cheat-proofing" and "relationship". You already have some background, now we expand on the how.

The only way to go about it could be summed up in this way. Make your relationship a QUALITY relationship. Make your relationship with your partner such a precious and valuable part of your life that cheating will no longer be an issue.

In the same way that you try to improve yourself, improve your relationship as well. You can begin with the simple and yet meaningful proposition: It's not just about you it's about your partner too.

Supporting, listening, understanding and being there for your partner are non-negotiables. Being there for each other demands a balance between improving yourself daily and looking out for the welfare of the other.

This includes keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you, developing the right communication tools necessary to remain honest and sincere with one another.

This requires prioritizing your relationship above your other social or familial obligations - which means you put your partner first - even above your children.

This means keeping all the aspects of your relationship intact and GROWING - intimacy, friendship, passion, companionship, respect, reverence. This means quality time and dates, loving acts and honest discussions.

Slacking off could mean growing apart, growing apart could mean allowing a third person to get in the way.

On the other hand, trying too hard may revert you to the old diseases of jealousy and perfectionism. This is why in maintaining your balance; you also have to keep your independence. It's ok to have some space and time apart. In fact, you will even appreciate each other more for it.

Giving each other the breathing room allows you to recharge your batteries and even continue with your work of self-improvement - which, as I said, would only prove beneficial for your relationship.

As we mentioned previously, there are no guarantees. Realistically speaking, however, we hope that these suggestions will give you and your marriage a fighting chance.

Of course, these are nothing without EFFORT. Cheat-proofing your relationship may not be easy but we know that it may just be WORTH IT.

Getting Married and Staying Married

2010-11-08T23:32:00.000-08:00

She was 20, he was 25, and they were walking down the aisle with a 7 month baby bump between them. Some people thought they were doomed.

Who would have thought that they would end up 5 kids and 18 years later still together? What is it about their partnership that somehow... clicks?

Another marriage counselor colleague I talked with recently may not have been married as long as others but, along the way, we discovered that there are some common concepts or keys that cut across marriages we have known to be successful -think, 30, 40, 50 years.

Allow me to share them with you by summarizing them into four:

1. Whole individuals make whole marriages.

In other words, get to know yourself first and work out becoming a whole, happy person. Sometimes, I've seen marriages fail because individual personalities come with baggage.

While we all have baggage, the problem is when one allows the baggage to rule one's behavior and way or relating. What's worse, more often than not we are not even aware that we actually HAVE baggage.

Knowing yourself, being aware of your issues and, more than that, realistically confronting and surmounting them: these help make one a better individual and a better spouse. In this case, internal self-work is important and I could never emphasize that enough.

If you had issues growing up, start by working on healing them. Cultivate your self-awareness, expose yourself to ideas and experiences that will help you evolve, develop your self-esteem, imbibe a strong sense of self, adapt true humility - even grow a sound moral compass.

There are numerous options open to you: credible self-help books, classes, counseling, and support groups.

It would help you to consult the most mature, happy individuals you know and learn from them. Engage them in conversation. You will discover that they've picked some important things along the way that make them what they are.

You will also discover that growth is continuous. Wholeness and happiness are not something you come to overnight nor are they ever complete. The best one can do is approximate them internally and be content.

2. Love is a decision and a DOING WORD.

More often than not, we see couples resort to divorce because the "love" has gone. That stands to be corrected because it's not necessarily the "love" that has gone but the excitement of early romance.

What people fail to realize is that love is more than the feeling. Couples who have been married for years have this to say: Love is a decision. Steven Covey says: Love is a doing word.

I find that to combine the two actually presents aspects of what it means to really LOVE. Writers refer to it as the difference between "being in love" and "loving".

Love as a decision. We all enjoy having our love validated by an intense feeling deep inside. And, yes, that helps specially in days when your spouse gets grumpy and annoying.

But, above and beyond all that, despite grumpy, annoying and the other seven dwarves, despite good days and bad, you know that you still love because you have decided in the very core of you and you abide by that decision.

This means Love is a commitment that you made with your full, whole consciousness as a mature, self-actualized human being.

Isn't that amazing? That you as a person have the faculties to be in control of your decisions rather than flitting along in the throes of passion?

Love is a doing word. Feeling it and showing it are two different things. I've heard spouses say: "But I LOVE him (or her)" and just leave it at that. What they don't see is that their love has to be shown - especially in the little things.

In this case, actions do speak louder than words and every time you do something for your spouse, you show that you love them and you actually continue to build on that love.

3. Communicate, communicate, communicate. People have a misconception of what communication is. They think that it's simply talking. Of course, that's the first part.

For a marriage to work, I would always advise a couple to talk about everything. Talking is always a good thing. Whether it be talking about things, other people or ideas, talking to one's spouse is important to keeping marriage healthy.

Some people say that it's better to have secrets -- that your spouse doesn't have to know everything. That's true too but in moderation. If it's a big, important secret you're keeping and you can't find a way to tell your spouse the truth, something's wrong.

Even if you agree to disagree, even if your politics may be different, talking is the key. It could be empty talk, just for companionship, it could also be philosophical talk, about one's insights and discovered wisdom.

Whatever it is, talk. And while you're at it, respect each other's point of view.

However, the 2nd part of the Communication cycle is more important than the first. LISTENING. When you truly LISTEN, you hear both what is being said and what is not.

You learn to pick up cues from both verbal and non-verbal communication. You learn to hear with your inner sense and begin to use comprehension and understanding.

Many marriages would have been saved if only partners LISTENED.

4. It's not ME, it's WE. Many couples fail to realize that once they enter into a relationship, they are no longer just two individuals. Couplehood has a life and personality of its own and must be treated as such.

Unfortunately, conflict in marriage is often caused by a clash of individual personalities and agenda. If only more couples come to realize that they're in this TOGETHER and that issues affecting their MARRIAGE must be discussed, decided and acted upon together.

Yes, this includes separation - even how to handle infidelity.

"We"-ness also includes some of the most powerful guidelines for successful marriages. It calls for PRIORITIZING the relationship over each partner's hierarchy of social and familial relationships - including your relationship with your parents and your kids.

This means, within reason, not putting some other relationship first at the EXPENSE of the marriage.

This means making the effort each day to affirm your couplehood by spending quality time with each other and continuing to build the intimacy in your marriage.

There are numerous other tips and guidelines couples can learn from to improve their marriages but I find that these 4 will serve many with success.

People think that marriage is 50-50. I prefer to think that a marriage is 100-100. In effort, communication, love and commitment marriage can never be half-baked.

As long as you give it everything, your passion is going to inspire and lead your spouse to reciprocate and in turn lead you when you need it most.

Your methodology may sometimes be flawed, but as long as you do it with passion, you can maximize your chances of success.

The Importance of Individual vs Couple Time

2010-11-08T23:23:00.000-08:00

A well-balanced marriage is vital in keeping a couple happy and focused. To get this done, some might think that each partner needs to do their own thing.

Others stress the importance of setting aside time for exclusive dates instead. Actually, both measures are helpful to the growth of your marriage.

However, you can't do just either one - a couple needs to have time apart and time together to round out their relationship.

Like we said, it's about keeping things balanced to maintain the growth of each partner involved. It also prolongs the life of the marriage. You need to do both things for a number of valid reasons.

Ask any couple, and they'll tell you that their marriage is hardly perfect. You'll probably get an earful about how much work it takes to keep the machinery running, so to speak. While that's a valid point, all work and no play presents more risks than you might think.

When it comes to the individual partner, he/she needs time to unwind from the routine of daily responsibilities. Any type of work requires the occasional break, and being a spouse and a parent is no different.

While the spirit might be willing, your mind and body can only go so far without some rest in between.

Never forget the physical component of your being. Who we are inside may be the most important thing, but none of us can deny the reality that our bodies need rest.

Repeated stress injury isn't limited to spending too much time in front of a computer. It can also extend to the daily routine of work, running errands and looking after the kids.

Thus, taking time off puts a nice little break in your regular schedule and helps preserve good judgment and sanity. There's no guilt to be found in wanting to be alone from time to time.

It's simply acknowledging the basic need to find yourself after getting caught up in your everyday tasks. It's very easy to forget about your own needs when you've got so much on your mind.

You might think that with so much to do, there's simply no time for anything else. Yet, you are the one responsible for your affairs, so it's up to you to MAKE time to decompress.

Schedule a little break after the kids have gone off to bed, or maybe if you have a free hour to burn before your partner gets home at night.

It's your schedule, so you're the best person to know when you can squeeze in a short intermission from your full-time role in the family. Find something you like and do it when time permits.

Take a 45-minute bike ride around the neighborhood, read that magazine or book you've been dying to finish, pour a glass of wine and listen to a favorite album, or sweat out your stress through one of those Pilates home videos.

Think of anything that interests you greatly and devote a brief but regular amount of time to do it everyday. The point is to take your mind off the things you have to deal with on a daily basis.

Stress can quietly sneak its way into anyone, and before you know it, you're burned out and can't function enough to do anything productive.

This is the importance of finding an outlet. Like it or not, stress accumulates and the time will come when something has to give. Don't let it be your patience or your health.

Can you really be a good spouse or parent with bloodshot eyes and a brain that's been reduced to mush?

Without a chance to rest, your thoughts will dull out and it won't take much for you to snap at the people you love.

A refreshed spouse is a happy spouse. Sometimes, stepping back and doing some introspection is important in revitalizing yourself.

On the other hand, special alone time as a couple is equally important. The chances of marital burnout are greater than you think.

Even if you might not feel it now, never underestimate the importance of prevention. The habit of keeping something from breaking down is less stressful than fixing it.

In a nutshell, making time for each other allows you to reconnect with your partner on an emotional and physical level. It's absolutely necessary to remember how you were as a couple before you started taking care of the kids, the household chores and the bills.

It's easy to forget the reasons why you signed up for better or worse. It's even easier to lose sight of all the wonderful things that you first saw in each other.

Getting away together for a date (or an out-of-town vacation, budget permitting) helps you renew your enthusiasm in being dedicated to your relationship.

It's useful in remembering the special little qualities which endeared you to one another. In short, some retrospect helps clear up the murkiness of the present.

Somewhere along the way, a couple can easily deprive themselves of the love which they first built their marriage on. Of course, effective communication is a must, but blowing off some steam together won't hurt at all.

Think something along the lines of a shared activity like sports if you're into that kind of thing, or just some time to collectively NOT think about the things eating away at your peace of mind.

It doesn't necessarily solve whatever issues you have to deal with afterwards, but it renews your strength to do so.

Lastly, this two-step de-stressing strategy also keeps a marriage from falling into infidelity. It might be hard to relate cheating to spending time together, but there is a connection.

Look at it this way: if you don't find a way to keep your stress level down, the resentment is bound to build up.

It's a natural part of being married. You will inevitably run into some differences in the way each of you approach issues, and too much built-up hostility can eventually drive you away from each other.

It's not a far-off possibility for either one of you to seek love elsewhere. That's exactly why you need to keep that "falling in love" part of your relationship alive, no matter what stage it's at.

The lust stage may have passed in your relationship, but it doesn't mean that you should stop making an effort to connect with one another.

It's perfectly normal (and expected even) for the tides in a marriage to change over time. One moment, you're head over heels and then suddenly you're arguing over the direction of your relationship.

It happens to all couples, but not all couples find the time to rediscover one another. That makes a huge difference between staying faithful - and otherwise.

As far as the big picture is concerned, keeping a marriage in good shape requires you to channel your stress on both levels: as individuals and as a couple.

Before you allow your stress to build up, consider the many ways you can both work on reframing your stress and finding ways to overcome it.

A problem shared is a problem halved. And it all takes you one step closer to your goal of greater marital unity.

Overcoming Interfering In-Law Issues

2010-11-08T23:13:00.000-08:00

When you start a new family, the new family unit you've created is basically an extension of the respective bigger "units" that you and your spouse came from.

As such, there will always be a link between your own family and your partner's. In many cases the mix is a harmonious one, but it can cause a lot of marriages to be strained when the in-laws pit their interests against your own.

There are some in-laws who are simply asserting their concern for your spouse and your children.

The problem arises when their idea of what's best for their child (and grandchildren) clashes with your own. It gets even worse when their opinions and advice affects the dynamic and harmony of your relationship.

It's even less easy to deal with their disparaging remarks that get under your skin. The "subtle" way that some of them slip in those snide little comments can really test your patience.

What's an exasperated spouse to do? One of the first things to remember is to keep your sense of humor afloat.

It may not be the nicest thing to hear, but you'll be at a disadvantage if you show your displeasure with their remarks.

Rather than give them the satisfaction of knowing their comments have hit the mark, it's better to take it in stride and pay no mind to it. If your spouse's family sees that you're unaffected, it will deter them from trying in the future.

Easier said than done I know, but at the heart of the anger and hurt is one guiding thought: Do what is in the best interests of your spouse, instead of retaliating from a place of anger.

In that respect, if you feel aggrieved by they way your in-laws treat you, the first person you need to bring it up with is your spouse. Discuss how you feel, and possible ways to alleviate the stress you feel.

The simple act of discussing it may help diffuse some of the emotion out of the situation, as well as offer you both the opportunity to deal with this as a couple.

And that is perhaps one of the most important aspects of this situation: You are a couple. Which means any actions you take or don't take should be reached by consensus.

Retaliating with a comeback of your own may be tempting, but chances are it will only prolong the drama. Instead, laugh off their disapproving comments as if they were truly joking.

Taking their "banter" at face value is a good way of sidestepping the mounting tension. Most of all, it preserves your sense of respect for your in-laws no matter how upset they may make you feel.

Even at times when you are sorely tempted to retaliate, it's important to not bring yourself down to a level where you might later regret what you said or did, especially considering they are family and you will most likely need to be in some form of contact on a regular or semi-regular basis.

Leaving them no reason to say anything against the way you've acted also adds to your peace of mind. Even if there's some friction going on, you can always tell yourself that you've always been mature in dealing with them.

Part of entering into relationships and evolving as adults means you need to come to terms with the fact that not everyone in life will be predisposed to love you like your parents do.

Your in-laws are not the same as your family, and they may have their own rituals, customs, and way of doing things that may seem totally outrageous to you. It's not right or wrong - it's just different.

As distressed as you may be, it's important to empathize with your in-law's perspective in order to get any meaning from it and try and move forward. Any sort of conflict requires you to see the situation from the other person's point of view.

Leaving no room for anyone's opinion but your own will only aggravate the situation. If you are able to pause for a moment and consider their perspective, no matter how wrong you think it is, it may go a long way towards negotiating a peaceful outcome.

The extended family you married into may not always fit your preconceived notions of how in-laws should be. Don't take it against your spouse's parents if they don't offer to look after the kids on the weekends and bake cookies with them.

Always have a realistic outlook on the reality of the situation. Don't set expectations because you're only risking disappointment if they don't live up to them.

On another note, never leave your own spouse out of the picture. He/she after all, is the reason why you're doing what you can to get along with your in-laws.

No matter how bad it gets, always remember that any response or approach should be in a team effort with your spouse. Even if you don't think too much of their family, it's important to appreciate the connection your partner has with them.

Speaking of connections, if you want a closer connection to your spouse, don't bumble around trying techniques that don't work. Put an end to marital disharmony by going to:

Save My Marriage Today

After all, they were the people that your spouse grew up with. As such, don't force him/her into a position to choose between you and them. It's easy to take out your frustration on your partner, especially if they can't seem to see what you're so upset about.

Yet, conflicts with your in-laws won't be resolved if you and your spouse aren't clear about what the issues are and how to respond. There's nothing more heart-wrenching than letting your in-laws divide your relationship.

Married life is not always easy. Sometimes, we need to make the personal sacrifice of supporting our spouse's relationship with their family - even if feels impossible to get along with them.

The best way to handle a discord with in-laws is to let your partner know about how you feel. You'll notice that this approach avoids throwing accusations around.

You're not sugarcoating the key issues here, but rather discussing your emotions (not what they said or did). This cuts to the heart of the matter without rousing any more negativity that's already present.

For instance, a woman named Natalie consulted with us because she was annoyed when her mother-in-law always served a disagreeable type of dish during their family gatherings.

She was sorely tempted to tell her husband, "Is she trying to drive me mad with that dreadful pork roast of hers? She knows I don't eat meat!"

Instead, she followed our advice and told her spouse, "Honey, I don't mean to be rude, but I feel upset when your mom makes pork roast for our parties. I'm sure its lovely, but being vegetarian means I feel that sometimes my beliefs are overlooked. It would be nice if she made something we could all enjoy once in a while.

Her husband was quick to understand where she was coming from and explained that the said dish was in fact, a favorite of his. His mom was only indulging her son's request.

Since Natalie handled the situation correctly, they were able to compromise. Her husband was able to enjoy his pork roast, but asked that his mother make a vegetarian dish occasionally.

It really boils down to an attitude that tells them, "Maintaining harmony is bigger than the things we don't agree on".

As far as the big picture is concerned, empathy and respect are two of the biggest building blocks in getting around the issues that may surface with your in-laws.

Above all, acting with integrity (rather than out of malicious intent) is the key to breaking down the misunderstandings that come up along the way.

Got In-Law Problems?

2010-07-09T09:56:00.000-07:00

You know the situation: you meet the dream man or woman, it is love at first sight, you meet their family, you get married, and you all live happily ever after.

We all wish this was the case sometimes, but for many couples, falling in love with your partner doesn't necessarily mean that you fall in love with the in-laws. This story is pretty common, and is often the fodder of jokes, cliches, and Hollywood films such as "Meet the Parents" and "Monster In Law".

Jokes and cliches aside, for many couples it is a reality, and the division between the partner and the in-laws can create some very real obstacles for married couples both new and old. When you fall in love with the man or woman of your dreams, not too much thought is given to their parents or siblings, as the love you feel for the man or woman in your life is so much more important, right?

Coming into a new family is a difficult process, and this is even more evident when there are significant differences between the way your family interacts and the way your in-laws do. Parents feel protective towards their children and want to shield them from the hurt and heartache of relationship breakups, some parents worry about the change in values and lifestyle compared to what they experienced when they were first married, and for some families it can be a battle for control over who has more legitimacy in the eyes of your partner.

Some parents simply don't want their babies to grow up, and when their child releases themselves from their parents care and replaces them with someone new as the most important person in their life, feelings can be hurt. Over the course of time, and as children grow up and develop relationships and start new families, the style of parenting has to change. It is a gradual progression from complete dependence, to nurture, to support, to guidance, and finally to letting go and having faith. Problems persist when this cycle is not duly recognized and people try to resist the forces which bring us from one step to the next.

In order to grow, we all need to change. Life is a constantly evolving cycle of changing roles both in our own lives and in other people’s. Sometimes we let these roles evolve and change, and other times we fight the inevitable, and in the process hurt ourselves and the feelings of others. In doing so we may delay the inevitable, or in many cases accelerate the forces of change that have so sharply become necessary in our own lives and in the way we interact with those we love.

Whether or not you get on with your in-laws, you need to examine your reasons for doing so. Do you threaten their belief system or gender role within the family, or do they threaten your belief system or role within your relationship? Does each of you challenge the other’s legitimacy to be the most important person in your partner’s life?

Once you have finished challenging each other, where does this leave your partner?

The key to healing in your family is in understanding your beliefs and reactions to people and perceived threats. As a partner, it is time to share legitimacy in the wider context of love. The fact that you and your in-laws both love your partner should bring you together. As a parent, it is time to let go and embrace a more holistic and less "hands on" style of parenting. And for all of us, it’s about recognizing the differences.

The differences between all of us are one of the important things that define us. Respecting those differences and doing what is in the best interests of your marriage rather than what is in your own best interests is the key to a successful and supportive marriage.

What approach have you taken to solve your marital issues?

2010-07-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

One common issue that pops up from time to time is people's experience with counseling. A number of couples that have written to me have already tried receiving counseling a few times, and the progress they have made as a result of this counseling has had surprisingly little effect. Despite going to several counseling sessions, for some couples over many months, many couples seem to be no closer to communicating effectively or solving any of the issues that threaten to tear their relationships apart.

But in thinking about the reasons that counseling has failed these couples, do we blame the counseling or do we look closer at the couples and the part they have played in this too?

I believe the answer to this is in looking at both. A number of counselors specialize in specific fields, and the complex nature of marital disharmony can mean that the approach they take to diagnosing or fixing the problems can be inaccurate, and in some cases completely misses the major issues of the conflict.

Of more concern to me however, is the attitude many couples have to counseling, and this is the bit that you really need to look at closely if you are committed to saving your marriage.

When you go to counseling, how badly do you want the counselor to side with you and tell you that you are right? How much of counseling is motivated by your need to prove your partner wrong? Or are you prepared to participate in counseling and open your mind to learning something?

The attitude you have is what is going to help determine if your counseling is going to bring you together or whether it is a pointless exercise. Unless you are both able to be honest about your beliefs surrounding counseling and what you both hope to achieve from it, it is unlikely that any counseling will help. In order for counseling to work, you need to communicate with each other what you hope to achieve. What are your expectations? Are they similar? Counseling is not about you changing your partner or your partner changing you. It is not about one person being right and the other being wrong. In order for counseling to be effective, you need to both participate actively in it and work towards a common goal. Going into counseling believing that the other person needs to do the changing is counter-productive to the counseling process. You are both in the marriage and you are both invited into the counseling process to learn and grow. Assuming you have done all the growing you need to do is going to guarantee that your counseling is going to fail you. In fact, you are going to fail your counseling.

Supporting the idea of going to counseling means you are going to have to accept your part in this issue and commit to a different way of looking at your marriage issues. It may not be something you like to do, but if you are serious about putting the issues behind you it is going to involve self-examination and sacrifice from both ofyou. Remember, you are never too old or wise to learn.

Do you crave romantic love?

2010-07-07T01:57:00.000-07:00

Discussion of the day: one partner falling out of love, and not knowing what he wants. The issue came to the fore when he admitted that he had been having an affair, and the feelings in the relationship have been turbulent since that time. The wife is committed to saving the relationship and doesn't know how to react, and the husband is not sure whether he wants to stay in the relationship.

There are also jealousy issues in the relationship, and the wife finds it hard when her husband gets attention on any level from females, even if it appears only as friends.

The idea of a partner wanting out of the relationship is hard enough, but this client is finding it hard with the uncertainty that her husband feels about their future. Having an affair has made him re-evaluate his future in the relationship and added to her feelings of insecurity.

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Here is my response:

The situation you find yourself in is not uncommon, when your husband tells you he loves you but is not "in love". This would have to be one of the most commonly used phrases when it comes to identifying why there is a problem in the relationship, yet the explanation in itself serves little purpose.

I believe this phrase is used a lot due to the confusion surrounding what we are expected to do when the romantic love for your partner starts to wane, which it will at some stage in the relationship. All marriages and relationships go through stages, from infatuation to lust, to romantic love or the honeymoon period, to utter chaos and the spawning of real love. The fact that you have been married for a number of years would indicate you are well past the honeymoon stage, and into what we call real love. Real love is when you realize your partner is not perfect, but you still love them. You love them for their differences rather than in spite of them. However the trap people fall into with marriage is that real love does require maintenance. Every day we are called to find new ways of loving our partner and expressing this love as we grow in love and understanding together. If you neglect the need to maintain your love, it becomes easy to fall into habits, perhaps take each other for granted, and one day wake up and find your relationship isn't at all what you had imagined it would be.

I think this is the stage you are at. Ending the affair has finally made your husband sit up and realize that the relationship he has with you is not as strong as it once was. Saying he isn't "in love" with you doesn't mean it's over. All it means is that he has forgotten how to love. You have taken each other for granted for so long that you have both stopped making the effort.

Take a look at Chapter 7 of Book 2: Love is a Doing Word. This is going to teach you and your husband new ways to show love for each other and reassure and support each other in the relationship. The love that your husband felt in the affair was lust, and comparing the intensity of this feeling with your marriage will cause him to re-evaluate what he feels for you.

You need to point out to him that the lust he felt for the other woman was a temporary thing, and if he had stayed with her it would have died and either moved to the next stage or the relationship would have ended. Every relationship goes through this. Yours did, and the relationship with the other woman would have too. Perhaps your husband fell in love with the lust. But it was just lust, not real love. Real love is what has kept you two together all this time.

So that's the first point. The second point I want to look at is your need for reassurance. I noted your reaction when your husband was friends with a married woman several years ago, and fate meant you were able to move your husband away from this situation. This didn't fix the jealousy or mistrust however, and this is an issue I feel you need to work on. When your husband talks to other women, what is your first motivation to react?

* Is it fear that he will humiliate you?
* Is it fear that he will leave you?
* Is it fear that you don't feel you are good enough?

I want you to look at your motivations for jealousy and identify what part of your past this touches on. These feelings may touch on some past wounds, either from a past relationship or a childhood memory. I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about your motivations and feelings, and whether you can revisit this time and find new ways to process the hurt and jealousy.

The thing you need to remember here is that your husband had every opportunity to continue the affair and leave you, but he didn't. He stayed in the marriage because he loves you and is committed to you. This gives you a good foundation upon which you can look at dealing with your issues and recreating the love that once existed in your marriage.

There are a number of exercises that you can do either on your own or as a couple, and these are at the end of every chapter. I have every faith that if you can look at new ways of recreating romantic love then you have every chance you can turn this around.

It's never too late to make an effort

2010-07-07T01:40:00.000-07:00

When I hear from customers about their particular marital problems, there are a number of issues that all of these couples have in common. Apart from the usual reduction in sexual intimacy, when I ask customers how long it has been since they went on a date or went away for the weekend, I am usually greeted with a blank stare.

For many customers, it could be anywhere between a year or 18 months since they last had a break or even a date. When I use the term "date", I mean an evening out specifically with the purpose of spending quality time together. Family dinners or nights out with friends don't count, and actually sitting down and calculating how long it has been since the last date or break away as a couple can be a very sobering thought.

Even myself when I sat down and had a think, made me realize that it had been several months since me and my partner had done anything that fitted the criteria of a date or a break.

It may not be intentional, but often weeks can turn into months, and months turn into seasons, and you fall into the trap of spending so much of your time doing the day-to-day things in your marriage, you lose perspective of what is really important. Do you think on the day that you got married when you imagined what your marriage was going to be like that it would be like this? Or like me, did you have visions of weekends away together, driving out in the countryside, attending parties and functions as man and wife, and growing old together doing the things you love?

So what happened to that image?

Jobs, demands on your time, children, family commitments, budget constraints and the daily stresses of life soon got in the way of the image of the perfect relationship, and we resigned ourselves to the fact that it was simply a dream.

It doesn't have to be that way.

Making the effort to go out on a date or go away for a weekend doesn't have to cost a lot of money, and it doesn't have to involve huge amounts of time. If you put as much effort into your relationship as you do into your friends, children, pets, or sporting commitments, the time to do these things would simply be there. If you want a night out or a weekend badly enough, there are most often very simple ways to make it happen. Send your children to their grandparents for the night or a weekend. Send them to stay with friends.

A date could even be something as simple as a pizza in a park or a walk on the beach. A weekend away could be as simple as locking the doors and renting DVDs and pampering each other with baths and massages. It can be as simple or as elaborate as you choose to make it. I recently hired a house for a couple of nights up in the mountains and spent a weekend either sleeping, watching movies, or walking together and eating special food. I was surprised how cheap it was and how little effort it involved in putting it all together.

A good life and a good marriage is not measured by minutes, hours, and days, but by special moments and special memories spent together. If it has been too long since your last special memory, make a commitment today to creating one. One small effort might make all the difference.

Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair

2010-07-06T23:03:00.000-07:00

What couples need to do to rebuild marriages following the wreckage of an affair? This is a time of high feelings in the relationship, and in addition to anger and hurt there is guilt and mistrust, fear that it may happen again or that the marriage will fail, and despair at the emotional investment required to revisit the pain and begin the healing process after infidelity.

The client who wrote to me has been married for a long time and has children. The wife had been having an affair, and only ceased the affair after her lover left the city. She apologized, but assured her fidelity only when she was threatened with a divorce. The issue here was that the wife did not finish the affair because she wanted to, and has shown little remorse, choosing instead to be defensive and arrogant when confronted with the reality of what she has done. As a result there is no sexual contact in the relationship, and there is an atmosphere of mistrust and hurt due to the issues not being dealt with. Without confronting the hurt of the affair and speaking the truth, forgiveness is hard to seek. In the husband's mind, without remorse, the affair is still not over. Is there any hope for this relationship?

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My response:

Affairs often cause a variety of different types of chaos, and for many couples it is an explosion of the myth of marital happiness, and for many more, it is a final result of many destructive forces and factors that have been at work.

Healing in a relationship requires a commitment by both people involved in the marriage. There is often the misconception that the guilty partner is the one that has all the work to do, but you need to consider that the outcome is one that you both share. Another factor is that both people share responsibility for what happened and therefore should share responsibility for the outcome. I'm not saying that you are responsible for the affair, but the marital context in which it was able to happen was something you did contribute to. Poor communication, an atmosphere of fear and anxiety, and allowing your wife's moods to dictate your marriage have all contributed on some level to the stage you are at.

In regard to your questions:

Your wife is reluctant to own responsibility because you let her get away with it. If your wife can never say sorry and becomes aggressive and you allow her to do this, the behavior becomes entrenched. When she becomes loud and aggressive, you need to tell her that communication is broken, and that you will cease communication until she is able to control herself. Unacceptable behavior needs to be met with a calm and structured approach, and a temporary separation may be necessary until she is able to make a commitment to healing the hurt in your relationship. Your need to feel safe and loved is your stuff to deal with. If you don't feel safe and loved in your relationship it is your responsibility to communicate this to her and find ways to achieve it. That is a fundamental part of relationships, regardless of the circumstances.

Healing and reconciliation is not possible without revisiting the wounds and hurt, healing it, and making a commitment to changing the negative patterns of behavior. To believe you can have reconciliation without the truth is kidding yourself and your partner.

Making her make you feel safe... How about going on a holiday together as a couple, allowing you the opportunity to escape your responsibilities to the children and others and reconnecting as a couple? This would allow you both the chance to identify what the purpose of each other's love is, and what you each hope to get out of a relationship. Identify what you need to have in your relationship to make it perfect. It should also give you a good indication if there is a marriage worth saving.

The affair is over, but the hurt is not healed. Without healing, your marriage is over, and if your wife is unwilling to make a commitment to heal then you may need to make arrangements for a separation.

It could be arrogance, or it could be a deeply entrenched wound in her past that prevents her from saying sorry or admitting guilt. I believe she needs some counseling or therapy to workshop this hurt and repressed anger out, so that she is able to heal herself before focusing on your marriage.

You need to communicate your feelings to her more clearly, and follow up your concerns with opportunities for review to assess your progress. Your decision to stay in the marriage has to be met with a commitment from her to work towards reconciliation and healing, preferably through individual counseling, followed by couples counseling. A failure to do so should result in you choosing whether or not you stay in the relationship.

Have you and your partner fallen out of love?

2010-07-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

Today's consultation centers around the issue of one partner falling out of love, either due to the onset of a mid-life crisis, or a depressive episode. This particular couple had been married for a number of years and have four children. This couple would be described by those around them as a stable middle-class family.

In addition to the husband falling out of love, he stated he wasn't sure if he wanted closure on the relationship and wanted the option to come back if he changed his mind. He also placed conditions on the separation, stating that he felt neither of them should date for a while and that they could continue to attend functions as friends.

The idea of a partner wanting out of the relationship is hard enough, but this client is finding it hard with the uncertainty and the conditions placed on the separation.

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Here is my advice:

Hi there,

Thanks for your email.

It sounds as though you have had a really difficult time of things dealing with your husband's depression and the breakup of your family and way of life. I have read through your submission closely and can see a number of issues that need to be dealt with.

The first is your husband's depression and his ability to function on the right medication. Finding the correct medication is a difficult process, and finding the correct type of medication and the correct levels of dosage can be an ongoing process. Your husband's refusal to receive any counseling or therapy troubles me. He assumes that by removing himself from the marriage that he is removing himself from the problem, and that his happiness is tied somehow to his ability to change his living arrangements and responsibilities to his wife and children.

He is kidding himself. What this indicates to me is that he doesn't really understand what it is about his life that makes him unhappy. That's where counseling comes in. You need to do everything to encourage him to get some counseling. Medication is only a temporary fix. Counseling will help him actually face and deal with the problems that are affecting him. Even if he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, he could do individual counseling.

He also assumes that you will still be able to go to parties and events but just as friends. It sounds as though he hasn't really considered the implications of divorce. Yes, you can maintain contact on a friendly level, but to assume that you would continue to go to parties together is just plain ignorant. That's just not normal.

He tells you that you can go to parties together as friends, and that you should not see anyone for a while, just in case he changes his mind, that you shouldn't move, and that he doesn't want to be around you or with you. This sounds as though he has the best of both worlds. He absolves himself of responsibility to his wife and family, yet believes he can still control how you will live your life without him.

You need to be more assertive. Divorce has consequences. If you want to leave town, you have the right to do so. Tell him. You need to communicate with him how you are feeling when he tells you these things. He expects you to put your life on hold in case he later changes his mind. This is unacceptable, and you need to tell him this. If he divorces you, you will date other people, reduce your contact with him, and shift away. You need to point out to him how his decisions are going to have consequences both for you and for him.

I understand that he is depressed, but he is also being very selfish. His selfish actions have an effect on more than just him and you. You have children to think about too. How do they feel about this? How are they coping? You need to listen to their feelings too.

When he comes over you need to continue to work on your communication and sharing your feelings. Your feelings are just as important as his. It is a difficult situation, but you can't let him walk all over you. He will if you let him. At the moment all of the decisions are centered around what is good for him. It is time you started communicating your feelings to him and making some decisions that are good for you.

Do you feel you and your spouse are growing apart?

2010-07-06T21:14:00.000-07:00

I received an email from a member the other day who has been married for a number of years before marital problems started to arise. The couple separated for a length of time before re-examining the relationship and getting some help. This couple undertook counseling before one partner pulled out, and the separation continued for another length of time before efforts were again made to repair the relationship.

This game of cat and mouse, going to counseling before continuing the separation for another length of time has been going on for a number of years now, and the client who wrote to me is at the limit of his patience. Divorce has been discussed, but the partner who continued to back away from repairing the relationship seemed reluctant to end the relationship. As far as the effort goes, it has been very one-sided, and decisions now need to be made if this relationship is going to survive, or whether both of these people need closure. The idea of effort coming from one side only is a common scenario, which is why I feel this is especially relevant.

I felt that the response to this client is worthy of sharing with so many other couples out there in similarly harrowing circumstances.

Here is my response:

Hi there,

Thanks for your email.

From my calculations, you have been living apart for a number of years. This is a significant obstacle to you and your partner getting back together, and every month you continue to live apart the more difficult a chance of reconciliation is. Your partner's fear of being rejected and the marriage not working out again is irrational. In shying away from her fears, she is letting her fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The issue here is that your wife is unwilling to put the effort in, and for some reason her fears are holding her back. In addition to this, the time that you have spent apart is significant. You have both grown accustomed to living as single people, and any change to this situation now is going to require a huge life adjustment.

This is not about picking up your marriage where you left off. This is about creating a new relationship with your wife, with new rules and new intentions. This is an opportunity to get to know each other all over again.

This situation has been allowed to fester for far too long. A separation should never be longer than a few months, and the problem with splitting for several years is that she has grown accustomed to life without you. She may even like her single life. She may also be scared about living with you again.

You need to move forward or you need closure. She doesn't want to try to save your marriage but she doesn't want to be the one responsible for ending it either.

You need to tell her that she is living her fears in her reluctance to try and save your marriage. Giving things another go is a huge leap of faith, and she needs to take strength that you believe in her enough to have faith in your marriage. If she doesn't share that faith then it is time to respond with love.

Thank her for being your wife. Thank her for giving you the years of happiness that you had together. Tell her you will always be her friend. But if she doesn't want to live with you anymore then it is time to walk away and give this terminal relationship some closure.

Love is not always possession.

Saving your marriage through counseling

2010-07-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

Marriage problems often start small. Maybe with a lack of communication, or a lack of attention. But little problems build into larger problems over time. Often, by the time both parties realize that the problems between them have gotten out of control, the bad times outnumber the good, and almost every day brings an argument and feelings of sadness and resentment.

The fact is, most couples are too slow to recognize the need they have for marriage counseling, and by the time it's obvious, it's also too late. Counseling, when undertaken in time, really does save marriages. Not only that, but it can make marriages healthier than they have ever been and couples can be happier. But many couples hesitate when it comes to counseling and wait too long. Many feel that it's like admitting failure. Others are suspicious of psychology or behavioral therapy. Most people have some kind of preconceived notion about counseling, and some are really detrimental to the process as a tool for saving the marriage.

But marriage counseling actually offers couples a chance to talk about the origin of their problems in a safe and moderated environment. It's an environment that is controlled by a trained councilor who is committed to resolving issues and improving communication. When both partners are committed to this result, counseling can be extraordinarily powerful and bring your marriage back from the brink of disaster.

But wait...why did you let it get to the brink of disaster to begin with? The best time for counseling isn't when divorce seems an immediately viable option. The time for counseling is at the first sign of serious trouble, when issues begin to come up again and again without resolution, and when communication begins to break down.

This may be difficult, as convincing your partner that you require counseling when there really aren't so many terrible problems might take some work. But it will pay off eventually, as it really takes both sides of a marriage to be committed to success. Individual counseling may help to resolve some of the issues, but the core problems and lack of communication will persist so long as one of you resists help.

In fact, one of the times when marriage counseling genuinely cannot help is when one of the partners has already become detached from the relationship or bought into the idea of divorce as the only escape from an untenable situation.

If you recognize that you are at a point in your relationship in which you need to seek counseling, do a little research about psychologists and therapists in your area. Actually, it's likely that someone you know has seen a marriage counselor try to find someone to refer you to a trustworthy therapist. In any case, it is desperately important that you start early, and give the process time to work. Counseling really can save marriages, but only with a strong commitment from both partners and a desire to pull back from the edge of divorce.

Tips for making a divorce bearable for your kids

2010-07-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

In all likelihood, your divorce will be remembered as one of the most painful and difficult times in your child's life. It is a massive psychological trauma that can have many unwanted emotional side effects and affect every aspect of their lives - at home and at school. With that said, there is no doubt that you want the best for your child, so here are a few things that you might be able to do to ease the process and make things easier.

Don't argue in front of your kids. This kind of negative behavior will only create more confusion and stress. This includes speaking badly about your ex-spouse and the all-to-common, and frequently unintentional, tendency for parents to make children choose sides in the divorce battle.

Another common tendency is for parents to make children into confidantes. This arises from a desire to be close to the child as well as an overwhelming need to talk about the situation, especially when appropriate therapy is not in place. This does nothing but harm the child, creating confusion and feelings of resentment and an emotional weight that becomes difficult to bear.

In the midst of the divorce it is also common to make promises to children that you know (or suspect) will be impossible to keep. Promising vacations and visitation that have not been cleared with the other party or the attorneys, or promising to come to events that will fall on days when you do not have visitation rights. This will be particularly hard on you, but it is simply part of the divorce process. Whatever temporary positive feelings will result from the lie, the long-term mistrust will far outweigh it.

Finally, even if you are a once-a-month parent, do not give up your status as an authority figure. However infrequent, you are still the parent, and it's important to fight a tendency to surrender this role in favor of attempting to win the child's love through spoiling him or her. Do not allow your child to stay up late, become disrespectful, or act as if they run the house. This will only cause trouble down the road.

With all that said, it's important to remember that there are some proactive steps that you can take to make your child's life easier.

Tell your child's teacher about the divorce and attempt to get therapy. Your child will probably need it, particularly if grades begin to slip or behavioral issues emerge.

While you're at it, get therapy for yourself. You may need it to help you deal with your feelings and stress. You will need to be emotionally healthy if you hope to help your child to be emotionally healthy. This will also help you in keeping your problems away from your kids and not burdening them with your emotional baggage.

Finally, but foremost, always remember to keep the needs of your child before your own needs. Act as a unified front with your ex, even if you are no longer on speaking terms. Define a plan for your parenting that will address your child's needs and also (if possible) allow equal access to the children. This will help with the most important aspect of parenting, which is staying involved.

Denying Divorce

2010-07-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

Forget about divorce as an option, it might just save your marriage. No one is saying that your marriage isn't difficult. It might even be miserable. But an interesting set of statistics shows that people who take divorce off the table as an option not only resolve their issues, but end up being happier than ever. If your marriage is feeling troubled, and you're considering divorce, consider trying alternate therapies instead, marriage counseling, or just some open communication. But whatever you do, don't bring up the "D" word as an option, because doing that will change the rules of the game.

Now, of course it's important to acknowledge that there are a lot of influences on you to get a divorce. Your friends who don't like your spouse, legal advertisements, even popular culture. It's a common statistic that most marriages end in divorce, and so it seems like an acceptable, even normal way to resolve problems in a
marriage.

But let's look at some statistics. Of all the couples surveyed who were contemplating divorce and then decided not to go through with it, 80% claimed to be happily married only five years later. In all likelihood this is due to two elements. The first is that those couples who decide not to consider divorce, the only remaining
option is to deal with the problems experienced in the marriage head-on. This is a powerful and proactive tactic that will lead to acknowledgement of the problems the couples face, and maybe even to solutions.

The other element is that once divorce is considered, the dynamic of the relationship is changed. This is a more subtle, though far more destructive product of considering divorce. The dynamic of this is simple. When a fundamental disagreement develops in a marriage - as it will in almost all relationships - those who never
consider divorce are forced to deal with the disagreement. Those who do consider divorce preserve an "out" that can be used without ever addressing the issue. As the problems in the marriage mount, or the fundamental issues become more divisive, the easy out of divorce can become more and more appealing.

This thinking will take both of you, however. When both people in a marriage are actively searching for a solution to a problem, and both accept that divorce is not - and will not be - an option, a solution will almost surely be found. You and your spouse will be asking what you can do to make things better, rather than asking if it's worth it, or if you should cut your losses and run.

Remove divorce as an option and endeavor to go into relationship counseling, therapy of some kind, or just talk about your problems in a mature and open way. It seems simplistic, but statistically it also seems to work. Those who deny divorce as a viable end to a committed marriage will also be more motivated to work on that
marriage, and work through the problems that could, without communication and understanding, put an end to something that was supposed to be a lifetime commitment and bond.

Knowing if you should get back together after a split

2010-07-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

Separation is a serious issue, and not every trial separation will result in renewed feelings of love and understanding. Many, if not most, will show the couple that their lives are on different paths and that a divorce will be the best option.

But how do you know whether you should get back together or not? It's one of the most profoundly important decisions you could possibly make in life, and certainly the most important you will ever make in the life of your marriage.

Well first, if you're going to embark on a trial separation, make sure that it's structured in a way that will not create more resentment than necessary. Make sure that all aspects of the separation are negotiated, financial arrangements are made, visitation with the kids is scheduled, and most importantly, make sure that your spouse understands that a trial separation will not necessarily doom the marriage or lead to divorce. Making sure that the beginning of a separation is set up in this way will reduce additional stresses so that you and your partner can focus on the real relationship issues at hand.

Also, make sure that there is a plan in place for doing emotional work. Make sure that you both know why the separation is taking place and what it is exactly you are both supposed to be working out through this time apart. This way, when it's time to evaluate the time you've spent apart and the emotional work you've done, it won't be clouded with other elements, stresses, or resentments.

Now, after a certain prearranged period of time has passed, examine your feelings honestly and frankly. After a few months, you will undoubtedly begin developing feelings about whether you should remain in the marriage or call it quits, but it's good to refrain from acting on these feelings until the entire separation period has passed.

One of the most important elements in coming to a decision is whether anything fundamental has changed. Frequently, a couple will feel a renewed surge of sexual attraction and romance after being apart. This is a good sign - but if the core issues that drove you apart to begin with haven't been remedied, or at least addressed, they will resurface and cause the same problems again.

If you decide that continuing the relationship will result in a dead end scenario, with no hope for improvement, then it's best to cut your losses, find emotional support to get you through the divorce, and move on. On the other hand, if you decide to get back together, be sure to lay the groundwork for a healthy and renewed relationship.

Begin by spending more and more time together, avoiding a situation in which you simply move back in together immediately. This will ease you both back into the rhythms of a marriage

Most importantly, don't expect everything to be perfect. All marriages have their problems, and you and your spouse will continue to have setbacks, but a mutual understanding of problems and issues and a commitment to solve them is really what matters.

Faced Separation? Sometimes it's best to take time apart

2010-07-02T21:15:00.000-07:00

It's a cliché because it's true: sometimes some time apart can save a marriage. It seems counterintuitive, but trial separation can actually be a really proactive step toward healing and saving a troubled marriage. The most important thing you can do for a relationship is to know when the stress and anxiety of everyday
life together is getting in the way of communication, happiness, or even your ability to cope. Time apart can help you to regain perspective and allow what time you do have together to be honest, productive, and constructive.

The dynamic of a relationship can change in many ways over the years, and when it changes, perception can become so clouded, and so much stress can result, that time apart can be the only way to save the relationship. Profound life changes can result from a major illness in the family, a career loss or change, or when either of these things creates profound financial stress. Sometimes it's good to figure these things out for yourself, and in the face of the kind of confusion these feelings can create, distance might be the best medicine.

Separating for a prearranged period of time can give perspective on the reasons you fell in love with your spouse to begin with, remind you that you feel happier and more fulfilled when you're together, and let you remember the good times without being reminded of the difficulties on a daily basis.

In order for a trial separation to work, you both need to be very clear about what it involves and what expectations you place on each other during the separation period. You also need to both be very clear about what you hope to achieve from this separation agreement. Is this a trial, is it simply giving him some space, or is this a prelude to divorce? You need to be very clear what this is and how you both expect to go about it.

You need to be able to sit down and discuss the issues, the point in having a temporary separation and/or a formal agreement, what goals you expect to achieve, how you are going to reach these goals, how often you are going to maintain contact, and what expectations you are going to place on each other regarding dating others, sex, and how you are going to monitor if you are making progress in rebuilding your marriage. It is about much more than simply shifting out to give each other space. Doing this without discussing how you move forward from this is in fact a step backwards and works against you saving your marriage.

The most difficult part of this process is deciding when things are dire enough that a trial separation would be the best thing for the marriage and do more potential good than harm. Each couple will come to this realization at different times and after differing levels of crisis and stress. Generally, however, there are a few
points in a relationship that will signal that a separation is best for most couples.

If you are constantly preoccupied with the thought of leaving, this is no small fantasy. This is a major red flag, and certainly a time when a trial separation should be seriously considered. But let's think about why you're preoccupied with leaving. Certainly these thoughts would occur regularly is the bad times outnumbered the
good. This is also a red flag and a good time to rethink things. When there is more pain and sadness than happiness, then there is little reason to stay. A major personal reinvention is in order. Also, when the same serious issues come up in arguments and they never seem to resolve themselves. This may be a time when distance can provide perspective and a little bit of time for personal reflection.

But remember, a trial separation is a serious, last ditch effort to affect change in a relationship. It is not to be taken lightly, as a separation can remind you of the good times and bring you back together with your spouse, but it can also - and perhaps more easily - show you that a divorce is the best route to take.

Add Some Spice To Your Marriage

2010-05-18T03:33:00.000-07:00

Has your life as a married couple hit the doldrums? Does it seem that each day is the same as the previous one and nothing exciting happens? With a little effort and some imagination you can turn that all around and put the fun back into your marriage. Take your agenda book and start filling those little squares with cool things you can do with your spouse each day of the week. Why not start with the weekend. If Friday night finds you both tired after slogging at the office, make it Movie Night. Choose something you'll both like, or take turns each time. Nuke some popcorn in the microwave, change your office duds for something more relaxing, sit back and enjoy! Be sure to use the movie as a springboard for some interesting discussion afterwards.

Saturday is a blank slate, waiting to be written on. The whole day stretches before you, full of promise and excitement. Why not schedule a trip to the beach or the countryside? Pack a picnic lunch, and take along a blanket and some cushions (for cuddling later). You can even set off with no particular destination in mind, stopping wherever you please to take in the view, buy fruit at a roadside stand, shop for funky stuff at a country store--it's your day to spend together doing whatever you want to.

Sunday cries out for breakfast in bed: why not take turns making the breakfast? The cook's reward: a delicious backrub later. After breakfast you can turn your bathroom into a spa for two, complete with chunky pillar candles, scented soaps, soft music and plenty of bubbles, especially if you have a whirlpool tub.

And what about during the week, when you both might be working? Make a date to do something every day. Why not schedule a coffee date on Monday at your favorite java joint? Then you could pack a lunch on Tuesday and meet in the park for a picnic. Wednesday why not send an email to your sweetie suggesting a romantic dinner for two after work at that little bistro you discovered? Thursday, send her flowers with a little note. After all, she's worth it. See how fast the week went? How about planning a whole month of inexpensive, meaningful get-togethers so that every day together is special?

Sometimes the smallest things spawn something special.

More tips on adding spices to your marriage

Change Your Breakfast Routine

2010-05-18T03:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever considered how busy your life is and how little quality time you have spent with your partner in the past?

How can couples who are busy professionals with careers that consume their time and energy schedule some precious moments to spend with each other? Business lunches, out of town trips, late-night meetings all take their toll on a relationship. You're both on the fast track to success, you live in an executive house in an upscale neighborhood and you have his and hers BMWs. Time at home means working on files and reports, your head buried in a laptop. If you want to see your spouse you practically have to make an appointment with her secretary. What can you do to ensure quality time with your significant other, not just on your annual holiday but every day of your life? Here are some great strategies which you can employ on a daily basis.

Why not get up a little earlier so that you can have breakfast together, especially if you've been in the habit of grabbing a bagel and a java fix as you run out the door? With a little advanced preparation you can sit down to a great breakfast and some wonderful conversation. Instead of that frazzled feeling that besets you every morning, you'll be relaxed and refreshed, ready to handle anything that comes your way.

Try some of these simple ideas. Frozen unbaked croissants, available at your grocery store, can be placed on a cookie tray, covered with parchment paper and left to rise in a warm place overnight. Simply pop them in the oven when you get up and voilà: you have a wonderful French bistro breakfast: warm, flaky croissants served with butter and strawberry jam, accompanied by bowls of foamy lattes. Put on an Edith Piaf CD, pretend you're in Paris and....well, who knows where that will take you?

Alternatively, mix up some muffin batter in advance, freeze uncooked in muffin tins and then pop a tray in the oven when you get up. There's something about the fresh-baked scent of wonderful apple-cinnamon muffins that just makes you want to linger over breakfast. Serve them accompanied by a fresh fruit salad, made the night before. And how long does it take to pop a dollop of butter in the frying pan, whip up eggs and cream and produce light and fluffy scrambled eggs or omeletes?

Be sure to put aside the morning paper. The last thing the love of your life wants to see is you hiding behind the local rag. You can read the headlines on your laptop at work anyway. Turn off the radio and the TV--they are just annoying distractions that will keep you from communicating with your spouse. You don't really need to worry about the latest daily disaster anyway: it's already happened and there's nothing you can do about it. But you can do something about your relationship, right here and now. You can spend precious moments with your best friend.

By making time for each other in the morning, before you head off to work, you reconnect as a couple. Talk about the day that lies ahead, share any little anxieties or worries you might be feeling, get some reassurance that your big presentation in front of the boss will be a success. And don't forget those little hugs and pats that say "I care."

Instead of heading off to work in separate cars, see if it's feasible to carpool with your spouse. Not only will you save on gas, but there'll be more time to spend together. It may be a little inconvenient at times, but on the plus side you'll also be able to have an after work dinner in town occasionally and even draw the line on those late-night meetings your boss is so fond of. (Just because he hasn't got a life is no reason for you to abandon yours.)

Make those little times count. You may be surprised at the difference it makes!

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When Is The Last Time You Listened?

2010-05-18T02:31:00.000-07:00

It may sound simple, but it's true.

"Listen, learn, live."

Even though people think they know everything they need to know about a marriage problem, I will let you in on a little secret... THEY DON"T!

It's so frustrating how people don't listen to their partners when they are in conflict situations. Saying that, the ability to listen in conflict situations is difficult unless you are aware of your need to listen carefully. You may be anticipating what they are saying and rehearsing your reply, you may be retreating back within yourself and protecting yourself from hurtful comments, or you may be concentrating on ways to hurt your partner in reaction to the hurt you are feeling.

Listening is a crucial skill however, and none as important as when you are in a crisis situation with your partner. In order to understand your partner's perspective you need to understand what they are trying to tell you. It can be hard enough in a conflict situation to make sense of what is being said, as your partner may or may not express their feelings in a clear manner.

However, if you are unprepared to listen, you are going to be unable to resolve this conflict and address the issues that have arisen in your relationship. If you are serious about resolving conflicts and dealing with your issues so that you can rebuild your marriage, you need to develop skills to listen.

Listening is part of your commitment to your partner. If you are able to listen carefully to your partner, you are firstly showing them respect by letting them voice their opinion. You are also able to show your commitment to resolving your issues in an appropriate manner. You are able to put aside your own interests and agendas and look at issues through your partner's eyes. Quite often the ability to listen attentively to your partner will help save a lot of time and misunderstanding. A lot of conflict arises as a result of misunderstanding, and attentive listening goes a long way towards combating this.

But there is a lot more to it than simply sitting quietly while your partner has their say. You actually need to process the information that your partner is giving you. This is more complicated than it sounds. There are a lot of barriers that inhibit your ability to fully process the information that your partner is giving you.

These include:

Filtering
This is when you listen to some things and not others. People filter when they either start to hear something they don't like to hear, or if they assume that they don't need to respond to their partner. For many, it is a classic self-defense tactic.

Daydreaming or zoning out
It's hard to stay focused all the time, and occasionally your attention can wander. This is especially common if you have a lot on your mind. If your partner is talking about something that you are not particularly interested in or want to avoid, you may zone out to avoid having to deal with it.

Holding your position
You may be so hell-bent on maintaining your position in an argument that nothing you hear is going to change your opinion. For many couples it is a case of foolish pride that prevents them from changing their stance or backing down. It also means that they stop listening to any other opinion other than their own.

Advising
Your keenness to smooth the problem over and fix it derails any opportunity for your partner to voice their feelings. Your eagerness to resolve the conflict and smooth things over prevents your partner from expressing their frustration, hurt or anger and prevents you from learning from this conflict and addressing the real issues. Slow down, listen to your partner's concerns, and then act. There is plenty of time to solve the conflict properly.

Distracting or derailing
You change the subject or make a joke to take the attention away from the issue that is being raised. This often happens when people feel uncomfortable discussing a subject.

Next time you are discussing an issue or having an exchange of opinions, have a think about how you are listening to your partner.

Are you employing any of these strategies?

What topics do you have the most trouble listening to?

Assess your listening skills next time you are communicating with your partner. Awareness of these blocks to your listening is the first step to better communication and saving marriages.

Looking at Communication Breakdown

2010-05-18T02:17:00.000-07:00

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. My partner told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I lashed back in defense. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of aftershave. But to me, it represented something much deeper, that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be. Worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don't know the first place to begin searching.

Aftershave, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my partner when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"

I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I'm very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.

I don't expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don't expect you to cook my dinner every night" was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.

So where to from here? My partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas I felt guilty if it wasn't perfect. It was never about me trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. I need for my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. It is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

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How to Have a Lasting Marriage through Honesty

2010-04-07T02:08:00.000-07:00

Honesty is one very important factor necessary to have a strong and lasting marriage. Every couple must be aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses. They should be able to live together with trust in and understanding for one another.

Here are some tips on how you can have a lasting marriage through honesty:

1. To have a strong relationship, a couple should know most of the things about one other. It is very important for a couple to know details about one's previous relationships and love life. This can build a strong relationship by letting the partner have a background on the things that have happened from the partner’s past especially on previous relationships.

2. Make sure that information on current friends is brought up during conversations that should involve them. This will allow the couple to have an idea how the personalities of these people can influence and affect each other’s lives. There are also instances where friends can be helpful in strengthening and maintaining a lasting marriage.

3. A spouse must also know information regarding the partner’s occupation or on how the partner earns a living. It is essential for a couple to be informed on details such as where one's partner works and how much he/she earns in a month.

4. Couples should have shared dreams and plans. It is essential in a marriage that couples share the same dreams. Disappointments and failures should be dealt with together as married a couple.

Some couples tend to hide their failures from their spouses because they fear the spouse might be affected by problems in which the other may be involved Some would think that being honest all the time could lead to arguments and conflicts in a marriage. Problems and failures should be resolved together. A spouse needs someone to lean on and that is the main responsibility of the other spouse and vice versa.

5. Couples are advised not to be hesitant in asking questions about one another’s feelings. There might be some occasions where one spouse or the other could feel the lack of moral support. Some marriages are destroyed due to financial problems where a spouse can no longer support the financial needs of the household. In such cases honesty is the only answer.

Honesty should be treated as the most respectful approach to a partner’s feelings. Many have survived the challenges of marriage because honesty is the very foundation of their relationship. Always remember that being true and honest is how a person can express his or her love to his or her partner.

Recognizing marital conflicts and solving them fast

2010-04-07T01:56:00.000-07:00

Annie and Glenn were considered the perfect couple of the year when they were married in a small but picturesque chapel in Santa Monica two years ago. Annie was a 24 year old career girl while Glenn was on his way to becoming a successful lawyer.

That was then when they were still carefree individuals who got involved in their relationship for a little fun and companionship. Marriage has made a very big difference in their lives. It seems to have ruined what they call magic.

Both have attained their career goals. Annie now writes her own column in a business magazine while Glenn has been recruited by a top notch law firm. Their careers are going great; their marriage however is another story.

Both are so busy with their own lives that they seem to have started growing apart. Most of their hours are spent at work, and on the rare occasions they see each other, they spend much of it in a shouting match.

Annie and Glenn's dilemma is not uncommon to many married couple; in fact it is the rule rather than the exception. Married couples sometimes ask themselves why they are capable of doing things that could hurt the other spouse, despite the fact that they love each other so much.

It is true when they say it is the person you love the most that can hurt you the most. This is true for most married couple who have not yet found a way to settle their differences and live with their then.

Arguments are part and parcel of being married but it is up to the couple to find ways to lessen the frequency and the intensity of the argument. Sometimes, couples think having the same argument over and over again is a normal thing in marriage. Of course, it is a normal thing but it should not be a so.

Common sources of conflict among married couples

It is hard to live with another person because each one has his own personality and each person was brought up by their families differently. Conflicts arise when two personalities and two ways of life merge - each one wanting to be dominant.

The main reason married couples have arguments is because they are two different people forced to live physically together, regardless of their quirks and personality. Unless you are a boring creature who does not want surprises, then you would find it fun to live with a person who is just like you and so predictable that you do not even speak to each other because one is aware of what other is thinking. Others believe differently, believing that when two people are so alike there is no need for the other,

But there are specific issues that are pointed to as the common source of conflict and argument among married couples.

1. Money - Who does not need money? Of course everyone does, and the lack of excess of financial means will always serve as a launching pad for conflict. A couple who does not have enough money will have conflicts with budgeting and managing their finances. On the other hand, a couple who have plenty of resources will still quarrel over how the money is being spent..

2. Jealousy - A jealous lover adds sizzle to romance but when jealousy goes overboard it can make your married life miserable. A little jealousy will help make the relationship exciting but too much of it will alienate one spouse from the jealous spouse. People who have jealous spouses tend to curtail their emotional and intellectual development.

3. Sex - The lack or excess of sexual activity is also a source of conflict for married couples. Couples who have the same sexual preferences are lucky. For most couples incompatibility of their sexual desires is often the underlying reason for conflicts that are manifested in other ways.

4. In-laws - There are couples who incessantly quarrel just because of domineering in-laws who are interfering with the marriage. A couple may be living away from the in-laws but there are ways in-laws manage to ruin the marriage. It is really up to the spouses to inform their own families about the limitation that are to be observed to keep the marriage healthy and far from in-laws interference.

5. Responsibility - Who is in charge of cleaning the house? Who is in charge of paying for the monthly bills or the groceries? These are little things that boil down to the delegation of responsibilities between the spouses. It will be good if spouses can talk about who should be responsible for all the things necessary to keep the marriage on an even keel..

There are other sources of conflict, most of them originating from the basic sources of conflict. Couples should be aware of the things that cause conflict between them so they can find a common solution to those conflicts. Being aware of conflicts and confronting them the as soon as possible will help the marriage and will avoid recurrence of such conflicts later on.

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Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.

Tips For Avoiding A Divorce

2010-04-07T01:50:00.000-07:00

If you have a marriage in trouble but you want to avoid divorce, you should know that you have great options for saving the relationship. The exact resources and tools used to put the broken pieces back together will depend on the reason for the problem. As an example, if your wife or husband was unfaithful, counseling can often help sort things out. Therefore, prior to doing anything, you need to identity the reason for the problem in the first place.

Other than infidelity, couples struggle with financial issues, which is a huge factor that can lead to divorce. Typically, both couples work full-time, which helps pay for the house, car, raising kids, paying bills, and even vacation. Unfortunately, many couples overextend, meaning they live on borrowed money. Of all factors, credit cards are the most common problem.

When more money goes out than comes in, massive stress takes over, leading to fights. Before long, the husband and wife are disagreeing on who makes more, what should or should not be purchased, who was at fault, and so on. Then to make matters worse, phone calls and collection companies begin to call wanting to know where the mortgage, car, or credit payment are. For the married couple, it soon becomes too much to handle.

If you find that you and your spouse are on the verge of divorce specific to problems with finances, for the sake of the marriage, go visit a finance advisor or credit counseling company to help get things back on track. In this case, counselors would act as the go-between for you and your creditors. In fact, these counselors are professionals who help set up a repayment plan and then work on a budget for the future.

Just because a married couple is having financial problems does not mean divorce is imminent. In fact, using a mediator or counselor can be a huge assistance. The reason is that the blame-game ends so the problem can reach a solution. Start by putting any differences aside and stop blaming each other. Then, create a solid plan for getting out of debt while also saving money.

Most importantly, to avoid divorce, start communicating. Unless you talk, you can never work things out. Keep in mind that good communication does not mean yelling, it means talking as adults. Therefore, take time so the two of you can sit down face-to-face to discuss the current situation, regardless of the problem. If anger is too high, the services of a professional marriage counselor can help. Just remind yourself that it takes time but with dedication and determination, divorce can be avoided.

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Find out how to avoid divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.

How to Tell Your Children About Divorce

2010-04-07T01:39:00.000-07:00

Whether your divorce is amicable or contentious, when and how to tell your children can be a difficult issue. Your children may already know that there are difficulties in your home life and marriage, but you may be surprised at the level of their sophistication and knowledge about divorce. Even if they are relieved to hear that a difficult home life is about to change, do not ever underestimate the degree to which your divorce can impact your children. The adults are not alone in feeling the stress and hurt of a strained family situation. You must take special steps to insulate your children and help them through the divorce process.

There is not one simple outline that provides all of the right answers and information on how to guide your children through the divorce process. When and how to tell your children about the divorce will depend upon your individual family dynamics, the maturity of your children, the ages of your children, the conflict level in your house, and your own individual preferences. If you are unsure of how to present this issue, it is a good idea to obtain professional help to do so. Many counselors are well versed in addressing divorce issues with children and they are available to guide you through this process with your children.

The type of divorce situation presenting itself in your family will have some impact on how and when you present this issue to your children. If you and your spouse are amicable, and your divorce is low stress, your children may not even be aware of the possibility of a break up. While that means that the divorce conflict has not impacted upon the children as of yet, it does not mean that it will not. Your children might be even more affected by the news that you are divorcing if they were unaware that there were problems in your marriage. If you or your spouse has been working with a counselor, either together or separately, that counselor can lay out some simple strategies on how to tell the children. Basic information that you want to discuss with the counselor is whether you tell the children together or separately and what information you can or should give the children about what their living arrangements will be in the future.

It is never acceptable to disclose that you and your spouse are getting a divorce when you are in the middle of a conflict. To place blame on your spouse, or to provide information in a way that conveys blame or fault may make you feel better in the short run. In the long run it will hurt your children, and it will impact your long term relationship with the children's other parent. Also, courts frown on providing children with adult level information and details about your divorce. Do so and you risk hurting your legal case, if your divorce will be presented to a judge.

Most counselors will support a joint parental communication to the children about the pending divorce. However, a joint discussion about divorce with the children does require that you and your spouse be able to maintain a basic level of civility, if for no other reason than to maintain your children's peace of mind. If you and your spouse cannot be civil, do not attempt to discuss this issue together with the children.

If your marriage has been rife with conflict, your children may be aware of or even welcoming the relief of a parental separation and/or divorce. Do not be surprised if you find out that your children know more than you thought, even if you have been attempting to conceal the conflict from them.

The issues that your children want to be reassured about involve where they will live, where they will go to school, whether their activities and daily lives will be disrupted, and the degree to which they will be able to maintain their relationship with each parent. Teenagers can be particularly vulnerable and sensitive to disruption in their lives and schedules. If you are able to work out a parenting schedule with your spouse, it is acceptable to share that with the children to reassure them. It also can be acceptable to involve the children in the process of setting a schedule. However, that issue can be very delicate. You do not want children dictating to the adults and you do not want the children to have limited contact with either parent.

Above all else, do not discuss marital fault issues or the reason for the divorce with your children. Even if you think that your spouse is the worse miscreant on the planet, that spouse is your children's parent. Your children want to and are entitled to love both parents. That a spouse cannot make a marriage work does not dispossess them of the right to be a parent. More important, it does not dispossess the children of the right to love that parent and have a relationship with the parent.

Consider that you may have a range of reactions from your children about the pending divorce. They may not be surprised. Or, they could be upset and shocked. In many cases, even when they are not surprised, the children might be angry or blame themselves. Work with a professional to address all of these emotional reactions. Your children will adjust to your divorce, if you provide the proper guidance and assistance during that process.

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Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.

The Price of a Divorce

2010-04-07T01:33:00.000-07:00

It seems cruel that amid all the emotional struggles a divorce brings with it, money has to be such a tremendous burden and source of added anxiety. Divorces have many costs, some more tangible than others. This is an article about the tangible toll that a failed marriage has and tips on what to expect and how to cope a divorce.

From the reallocation of property and debt to child support to taxes to retirement planning, there are a slew of financial issues that are intertwined with most divorces. Chances are you and your spouse share a lot of assets, from furniture to stocks to pets! You might even have a sentimental attachment to some of them. Unless the two of you agree on how to divide all the property up, you might have to brush off on your bartering skills. Some parting couples even opt to sell all the property at once and divide the profits.

While that comfortable sofa and antique dresser might be in demand, the debt you two shared certainly won't be. A joint credit report deserves a good look as you and your lawyer(s) determine what's fair. As you distribute the debt, try to cap off whatever debt you currently have. Divorce is expensive and you want to deflate the financial burden as much as you can today. Again, more bartering may be in order here. Take on more debt in exchange for more assets, or vice versa. If you have an open mind and cooperate, you'll likely come to a fair divorce settlement. It's not unusual for a divorcing couple to split the debt right down the middle.

Surprisingly, you're going to have some new tax issues to think about too. If you have dependents, which person will get that tax exemption from now on? Many other tax exemptions and deductibles that you probably took for granted as a married couple will need to be reevaluated after a divorce.

Not to mention, child support and alimony! These issues are highly variable and personable but they are going to be big ones if you and your former spouse have children together.

Men sometimes have great financial difficulties affording child support, but statistics show it's newly single mothers that have the most money problems. This is especially evident when a woman must suddenly afford childcare or is swept into a new work environment; kids typically must adjust to a lower standard of living, just like their parents, after a divorce.

An entire family structure gets disrupted during a divorce and that has not only an effect on the personal relationships, but on the overall economic situation of all involved. And these financial issues are deep and complex and have enduring effects.

The best advice for you, the soon-to-be-divorced, is to remind yourself the financial turmoil is only temporary and it can be dealt with the most adequately if you can keep your cool and think practically. While it's tempting, dividing up property and debt is probably not a time for vengeance or proving a point. The divorce will go quicker and more amicably if you try to stay as calm and rational as possible!

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Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.

Quiz Yourself - Will You Survive Break-Up?

2010-03-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

I did everything possible to save our relationship. I gave in a lot, but I could not save. We will be breaking-up soon. That has already broken my heart. This relationship was made brick by brick over so many years. What all we did not do to make it last? But alas, we are breaking -up. This is a typical statement from a person facing break-up. How to survive after a break-up? Will you survive a break-up? Why not quiz yourself about it?

The immediate effect of the break-up would be pain. Will you be able to take the pain? The pain would go away slowly over a number of years, but the initial impact will be high. You will have to gather all your energy and tolerate the pain.

The second effect would be bitterness and blame. You will non stop think about the behavior of your ex partner and fix blame everywhere. You will recap all the arguments and fights and there will be a large amount of self-talk about how you were ditched. That will not be a pleasant experience. You will have to find way out of all this by spending quality time with friends, involving you in new activities, and keep yourself busy. Are you ready for that?

The major effect would be the temptation to join immediately with anew partner. This can work both the ways. Some people never wish to form a relationship again after undergoing the trauma, while some want to form a relationship as soon as possible to forget the earlier one. Both of theses choices carry danger. The best alternative is to wait for sometime and when you find your stability and self esteem back, try and form another relationship. Are you ready for this?

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Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.

Stop Divorce

2010-03-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

From my experience couple trying to Stop Divorce are faced with many challenges, some of these issues and challenges are often very surprising. One of the people who visited my site sent me an email saying that I would not believe how easy it was to work on some parts of the prevent divorce issue, and that the hardest thing he and his wife faced was breaking the old habits, changing the way they conducted themselves, the automatic pilot that drives relationships into walls.

This is what this article is about, trying to notice the point in which you lose control over your target (preventing and stopping your divorce) and let the auto pilot drive your relationship into a difficult spot. Shedding light on a few points, I hope that you will be better equipped the next time you are facing an argument or even a discussion.

First point, is almost too easy, the blame game. How easy is this? Now honestly, think about it, almost everyone does it, and you have done it many times before, you play this stupid little game, get yourself wrapped around this idea and lose control, not only escalating the situation but getting into a mindset of blaming and anger, this would not help you, or anyone for that matter, achieve anything. What you really need to do is examine the situation, think about what you did, or what you usually do, and what your spouse does, and be as objective as you can. Make a table with the things you both do, never forget to notice the things that you do wrong, because everyone does something wrong, and admit it, to yourself and to your spouse.

Second, the “you are overreacting” sentence. How helpful was that?, men tend to say this to woman a lot, but I saw a few woman do that too, and this is a nasty one, not only do you judge your spouse, you are also criticizing their response, like you have any right to. Think about it for a moment, I am sure you will understand that this is a terrible thing to say and that in no case should you even consider saying this, take things at face value, if your partner is angry, focus on why he or she got to this situation and deal with it, don’t push it away and award the what you think is an exaggerated reaction level to your partner.

Children or family issues, this is an extremely delicate issue. Using children as weapons in arguments and fights is something a lot of people do, a classic example of losing control and saying things you live to regret for a long time. A clear stop sign, if you can see it while you are angry and upset, in a middle of an argument, try your best to avoid using your children or other family members in fights.

One last point which is the general advice I can give, when discussing things with your spouse, or even when arguing or fighting, try and make the situation even, try and balance the power and the objectivity of the situation. This means that no one has clear control over the discussion, that it is a free – equal power debate between two people and not a lecture or verbal beating to one or another person.

In the next article I will discuss these issues further, good luck saving your relationship and stop divorce.

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Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.

Prevent Divorce Basics

2010-03-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

Your marriage is in trouble, and you know that even though you want to get it all over with that you still love your partner and that you will probably regret your actions in the near future, the action needed is clear- you need to prevent divorce.

Divorce is not the answer, and rushing into one is a big mistake, the divorce process will eliminate your chances of rebuilding your relationship, so you better consider this move carefully and be absolutely sure that you have exhausted all the means and ways to improve your relationship.

Your spouse does not understand you, and both of you are not communicating any more, it seems as though there is a huge gap between you, that even the smallest things makes you upset about each other, and that what was once easy and fun has now become unbearable. Preventing divorce is not about compromise, preventing divorce is about rediscovering your relationship.

The changes in relationships seem almost impossible, from once passionate lovers that could not bare being apart couples change into two different people that sometimes seek the opportunity to be as separate from one another as possible. The dangers of the growing distance between couple raises questions in their minds and in many cases this ends in a divorce.

Every person is different, every couple has its own unique story, but the bottom line is usually this – one or both partners think that it is impossible to turn the relationship into something that will flourish again, with the hope of regaining the love of the other lost the partners turn into the simplest and what seems like the easiest solution, instead of fighting and arguing over and over again, the clean cut divorce looks like a good solution.

Sometimes and in some cases this is probably the best way to go, divorce for some couples is the best answer to a hopeless situation. But if you are one of the many people who feel that not all hope is gone and that you wish to continue building the relationship you have with your partner, who at a certain time was the closest to you, this is the place to start looking inwards and outwards and work to regain your harmoniums loving relationship once again.

Good relationships start with good communication, it is almost sure that you once had a relationship with good communication, you can probably remember the days when you didn’t have enough time with your spouse to talk about all the plans you had for your life and to share your thoughts? How long has it been now? How many years since you last had a really good communication exchange? After you’ve exhausted the discussion about the children’s schedule, who has to drop off the dry cleaning and when you will visit your in-laws, do you find yourself at a loss for words?

You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with either of you. You are probably just mired in everyday life and because your daily schedule is so hectic, over the years you simply ran out of time for casual and enjoyable discussion. And, now you can’t even remember how to even talk to your spouse, stopping or preventing a divorce will mean that you will need to rethink the way you communicate.

Good communication is not so hard and it is vital for preventing a divorce, it is just plain simple work, until you get used to it. Instead of talking about the regular things, you will need to think a little harder and try a lot harder. Talk about real things, not the work routine and the children’s activities think of things you want to talk about, you’ll find yourself anxious to get home to share the information with your spouse. Avoid the topics that do not interest you spouse, remember that this is about the both of you, and what you find interesting, just finding this topic will earn you points for trying, do not plan ahead too much – just let yourself into a discussion about things you have not discussed for long.

Listen to the news in the morning or on your way to work. When you are listening, try to focus on those things you think your spouse would find interesting. What would she tell you about? Then ask her if she heard the story, and what she thought about it.

Talk about things you want to plan or do over the next month or two. Vacation planning is a good topic, but only if you are both looking forward to going and if you are both actively involved in planning for the vacation.

Preventing divorce is a complicated issue – not impossible one. You will need to invest time and energy into you marriage now, and do everything you can to prevent divorce. Good luck!.

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Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.

Reconcile or Move On, How to Decide

2010-03-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

Should I Reconcile? You are older and wiser now, with an experience or two, and a decision to make.

Your desire to reconcile is often a desire to live the dream. To revive your passions and the hopes you lived in the beginning. To return to 'Go' and start over with a new role of the dice.

Perhaps reconciliation is not your own desire, but forced upon you like a load of dirty laundry. Forced upon you by silent and sullen children. Forced upon you by a repentant spouse, full of promises and needs greater than your own. Forced upon you by family, religion, and tradition of the day.

Should I reconcile? Should I accept the hurt, the pain, and call it a day? Can I face the unknown, or is there more comfort in this familiar but battered arena? Yes, you are older and wiser now, with a decision to make.

How to decide

Take a blank piece of paper, any paper, and if you are inclined you can create a spreadsheet or flow chart, it matters not the medium. Across the top draw a single line, and down the centre draw another line. At the top on one side write the word STAY. The other side gets MOVE ON.

There is no secret or trick to this; simply write down every reason or excuse for saving or ending your marriage. This writer remembers being asked to make a list of all the possible uses for the lowly paper clip. Writing down one use leads to another and another, the list reached 50 ideas within two minuets. At another table their list numbered 110. The point my friend is to just jot down, pro and con. Your list might take a life of its own, growing hour by hour, day by day.

At least three things will happen.
- You will come to a decision.
- You will have clearer understanding of the issues.
- You have the beginnings of a course of action

Staying means taking action and making one more commitment to your marriage. That commitment is not yours alone. You both have issues to resolve. It is not prudent to take the easy road by ducking the issues. Face them head on. Pay the price in the currency of hard work and honest communication, without it couples often fall back into old habits. A recommendable course of action is joint marriage counseling, and in many cases joint financial counseling.

Moving on means acceptance, and closes the option of going back into the marriage. While it may be sad, it also frees you to look to your future without the complications of all the "what if's". Moving on can be like passing Go and collecting your $200, knowing the next trip around the block might be better than the last.

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Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.

Passion Ration cited in Divorce

2010-03-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

The Passion Ration

The last straw to finalize divorce proceedings in a marriage is when adultery is committed. I would say the hurt is unbearable for the loving partner who has been betrayed. Innocent Parties like the children and family members automatically become involved to take their share of the heartache when a marriage collapses.

Many couples manage to salvage what is left of their relationship and carry on regardless fighting a lost cause. It is not easy to put your feelings and emotions on hold. Emotions are a powerful force that comes back with vengeance filling you with anger and in some cases hate.

All the respect and trust has gone leaving that once happy relationship a farce. They say you forgive and forget. Sorry having none of it, forgive yes forget no, mental scarring does not heal.

So much suffering is caused by a one night stand or affairs that normally do not last long after the guilty party has lost everything. Ask your self is it worth it.

I do not condone such behavior where a man or woman strays outside the Marital Home to seek pleasure; only in some cases there are reasons why partners go down this road seeking comfort elsewhere.

May be the adulterer is not the guilty one. What of the spouse who decides to ration the passion in the bedroom leaving the partner no choice but to have his or her needs fulfilled outside the marriage.

You need to think twice before making a one sided decision about when you want to play or not play ball in the bedroom. Excuse the pun, but the ball is in your court to put back the missing link that is causing your marriage and partner to suffer.

They say true love never runs smooth, and if that being the case then for a little happiness give me the rough with the smooth any day.

If you have a problem regarding being bored in the bedroom, talk it over with your partner.

Rekindling a relationship is a made a lot easier if both parties participate in trying to understand why such actions were taken in the first place. Talking it through may help you both realize that the marriage is worth saving.

Counseling is out there for couples struggling to come to terms with the fact the marriage is over. Consider the children's feelings throughout any divorce proceedings, they will need time to adapt to having there whole life turned around.

Abide by your marriage vows, if out of spite you decide to sleep alone in the master bedroom then accept the fact that the guilty part is the Betrayer not the Strayer.

Find out how to stop divorce, save your marriage from an expert who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when in handling broken marriages.

Save My Marriage Today Review

2010-02-11T20:57:00.000-08:00

The claim presented in Save My Marriage Today ebook is clear and confident. By utilizing their marriage guide you can repair a broken marriage and take any relationship to a level of happiness and success not previously enjoyed.

I am often confronted with the notion that this might be a scam of some sort.

I can assure you that the claims presented in Save My Marriage Today are justified and legit.

If you utilize this guide properly there will never again be a need to ponder the steps necessary to rescue your marriage. Sound wisdom is issued that will assist you with any obstacles that may appear in your relationship. No rock is left unturned rather it be the pain of infidelity or simply fights that seem to never end this ebook will guide you carefully and confidently towards a successful reunification that allows you to fall in love all over again.

I have yet to find a guide that is so full of valuable insight geared towards relationship success and bliss. Not having any apparent troubles; no problem. There is still much to be gathered from this ebook. This guide is so successful because it is easy to follow and offers little approaches that deliver big returns.

By following the steps in this guide you can easily identify the problems that plague your marriage and take the appropriate measures to repair the damage.

Save My Marriage Today was authored by a woman who sustains an incredible amount of expertise when it comes to dealing with relationships that are in trouble. Literally couples in the thousands have benefited from her valuable information. Whether the subject is relationships in trouble, dating or attraction she is a respected authority.

Regardless of the shape of your marriage or relationship this ebook can assist you in confronting all types of issues. This guide dwells deep into the foundation of your relationship identifying the core causes that can poison a marriage and then offers a cure.

This guide does make great strides to cover a broad range of issues but the best part is the advice offered is not vague but direct and well researched. The valuable information can really strengthen the core of your relationship and ensure sincere opportunity for a successful marriage.

In the event your relationship cannot be rescued I am impressed with the fact that Save My Marriage Today offers wisdom you can count on for that as well. Sometimes things simply do not click and this guide will lead you carefully through that pain taking process and prepare you for a successful post relationship future.

There is also a premium home course that may be just right for you. The member’s consultation can be extremely effective at neutralizing your core issues if your relationship problems are complex and require specific attention. This provides that one on one approach with an expert who will listen to your problems, analyze them and offer effective solutions.

Don’t hesitate. If you are experiencing trouble in your relationship or simply want to avoid them then I truly advise you to get this guide for saving marriages and take the appropriate steps offered to create a successful union that is strong and satisfying.

Click here to find out more about Save My Marriage Today!

Marriage and Sex Problems: When Married Life is Not Confined in Bed Alone

2009-12-22T05:40:00.000-08:00

Every person has his or her own limitations on physical and emotional abilities and strength. These limitations are associated with how each person was morally developed by their parents. Their surroundings, their personal outlook on themselves, their fears, and the level of their acceptance and maturity are also factors.

Disparity on sex problems and marriage should never be generalized and concluded. Creating solutions and accepting reality is totally dependent on how the person involved in the relationship can cope with the challenges.

In reality, sex is an important tool in keeping the spark in every marriage burning. In fact, some health experts contend that having a good sex life can absolutely make people feel good about themselves and can actually improve one’s overall health condition.

That is why, for some people who experience sex problems like erectile dysfunction, hormonal imbalance, inability to achieve orgasm, etc., find it extremely difficult to maintain their marriage.

Although sex should never be an issue in marriage, the fact that having a good sexual relationship is advantageous to married couples. Having sex problems is definitely something to talk about and should be resolved if possible.

Today, there are many solutions available to resolve some of the most common sex problems. This is definitely good news since health experts contend that having a good sexual activity in marriage is 25%-30% better for married couples than those who are not yet married.

In fact, in the United Kingdom alone, the largest source of sex therapy is currently receiving 5,000 people who are having sexual problems every year.

Furthermore, statistics show that most people who attend some kind of sexual therapy can actually improve their marriage as well as their health. Almost 93% of those who have undergone sexual therapy have significantly improved their married life.

Most health experts contend that sexual activity can definitely mend a marriage that is nearing to divorce. However, one should not dismiss the fact that not all sexual problems can be resolved. It is important for every married couple to fully understand their partner’s physical limitations regarding sex.

If there are no available solutions to some sex problems the spouse should be able to accept that reality. If love is the center of the relationship sexual problems should not be a barrier to a lasting marriage.

Be Courteous and Save the Marriage

2009-12-22T05:32:00.000-08:00

The wedding celebration is summed up with the exchange of the "I do’s." This is just the beginning. There are more exchanges of words expected. However, to have a lasting relationship, respect is the key.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, respect is such a big word. It is a big factor in any relationship. It is the foundation of love and trust. Any married couple encountering difficulties in their relationships can simply go back to this fundamental.

To maintain harmony, each of the spouses must manifest respect to the other. Simply be courteous, both in words and in actions.

Most people associate courtesy with etiquette. That is why most people think it is very burdensome. Some people even claim that they want to be laid back in a serious relationship, that there is no need for pretenses or formalities.

However, courtesy is not all about table manners or social formalities. It is simply an active choice of doing the proper things at the proper time, like displaying gratitude when there is something to be thankful for or expressing sweet words of love.

Say the Magic Word

Do not let politeness be forgotten in the relationship. To be courteous to each other is not difficult. One only has to remember the magic words taught back in the kindergarten days. Here are some phrases that would definitely count.

1. "Please."
Requesting for something to be done will sound better if coupled with this simple word.

2. "Thank You."
These two words express gratitude for someone who went out of the way to do something special.

3. "You're welcome."

Even in married life, each of the spouses still deserves such sweet and comforting phrases. Their lasting effects are not to be underestimated. These words never go out of style.

Be Courteous in Your Actions

Courtesy can also be extended on many other occasions.

It would be a good thought to return phone calls. Leaving a note behind to simply inform the itinerary or destination for the day will also assure the husband or the wife. Remembering and celebrating anniversaries and birthdays are definitely plus points.

Do not fall out of these habits. Common courtesy is deserved by others. Coupled with the thought of doing such things will definitely make the spouse worthy of respect.

The simplest and most ordinary things done everyday are actually the best things to take note of when trying to improve the marriage. If one aims for more intimacy and openness in the marriage, such simple and intimate ways of communication must be encouraged.

Remember to apologize to improve your marriage

2009-12-22T05:22:00.000-08:00

Knowing when to say you are sorry.

Katrina and Jason are seated on the same side of the sofa but their body language revealed what a marriage counselor can easily detect among married couples who have chosen to live the MAR in marriage.

The couple is seeing a marriage counselor for the first time since they were married. They have been having trouble lately over trivial matters that seem to spark their hostility towards each other.

She said when Jason has a bad day at the office his bad mood continues after work. He arrives home poker-faced, and oblivious to Katrina's words of welcome. Such behavior has been going on for quite sometime now, she said, but there seems to be no effort on his part to apologize for taking his office problems home and taking them out on his wife.

Many married couples today find it hard to maintain a workable marriage, much less a happy one. It may be the pressure of making the family finances better, or the mundane task of maintaining the household. Whatever it is, it is clear that married couples do not treat each other the way they did before they got married.

During the dating stage, the sweetest moment for a couple is the reconciliation stage after a disagreement because each makes every effort to act beyond what is expected of him. This is what we call the "sweetheart" stage, when the couple is getting to know each other without any pressure attached on their relationship.

A couple making up for a wrong committed against the other will make use of every trick in the book to be forgiven. Saying “I’m sorry” is romantically done by sending short notes, simple gifts or flowers.

A newly-wed couple will still retain the "sweetheart" stage early on in the marriage. This means saying sorry for doing something wrong is still an effortless action.

After a while or after being married for quite sometime, the couple will become so familiar with each other that they treat the other not as a lover but the way they would treat other family members. During this time, pride gets in the way and the words "I’m sorry" has taken a back seat.

Saying that you are sorry is important in maintaining a good marriage. By saying “sorry”, the damage done by too much familiarity and heartlessness against the other spouse heals a little. Staying married for years without uttering these words would mean the piling up of heartaches and even hatred in a couple's hearts. This is not healthy in a relationship because it alienates the other.

Couples who have the tendency to fight, even over trivial things, should relearn the art of saying “I’m sorry”. It is an art because it is a gift from within - but it has to be learned. Married couples who want to keep their marriage should relearn the art which was used when they were still dating.

Saying sorry to your partner does not just tell him or her you are sorry for the things you have done. The important thing is that you are saying sorry because you have hurt your partner's feeling or that you did not mean to do so. Hearing sorry may not turn back the clock but it will somehow ease the pain.

But saying “I’m sorry” without really meaning it can just worsen the fight. If the other spouse is not “dense”, then the insincerity of the apology will be noticed. Of course, it is easier to say sorry to your officemates or friends, but saying sorry to one's spouse will make a difference in the relationship.

The danger is, you may have gotten so used to saying you’re sorry that it operates like a mantra when the other spouse accuses you of hurting his or her feelings. It will be like saying sorry without really meaning it. Saying that you are sorry should always be followed by a positive action from the erring spouse.

While saying sorry is not the be-all and end-all of a marriage problem, it is a good start and will show the other couple that there is hope for the marriage and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep that marriage alive.

Saving a Marriage: How to resolve arguments the easy way

2009-12-22T05:11:00.000-08:00

In a world that is populated with millions and millions of people, a person is bound to run into some arguments with the individuals that they will encounter in their everyday lives.

People are a part of our social environment. As early as kindergarten children learn to adapt to their social surroundings. But every now and then some children who cannot find a way to resolve arguments with each other end up in a fight.

But as children get older they learn that there are ways to resolve arguments without getting into a fist fight! Something that grownups should have learned by now!

Learn to compromise to saving a marriage

One of the things that a person needs to realize is that he or she can't get his way all of the time! As a matter of fact, most arguments stem from this way of thinking. When individuals continuously impose their way of thinking, and course of action on others a fight is inevitable.

People need to respect each other's differences. Whether it be religion, nationality, social status, etc. No two persons are exactly alike. So it is only natural that they have some differences.

Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. Imagine what a dreary world it would be if everyone thought and acted in the exact same manner! This is a premise usually reserved for science fiction novels that end with the unlikely hero deactivating the mind control machine designed by the bad guys.

Different ways of thinking result in a number of different ideas that help humanity progress. In fact, it is from this diversity that we add to the many shades and colors of life.

Keep the volume down when saving a marriage

Don't engage in a shouting match. This doesn't solve anything. It only results in a couple of sore throats! Individuals should learn to settle their arguments by discussing them in a peaceful manner. Being harsh and confrontational only inspires the other person to unleash his or her venom. So it is best to always be calm. It also helps to keep one's voice down when negotiating for a treaty.

Keep the boxing gloves off

Individuals should not try to win arguments, instead, they should work hard at finding a compromise. This work wonders! It will eliminate the bad blood brewing between two individuals involved in an argument.

Arguing with people is never fun. But sometimes it can't be helped, despite our best efforts to get along sometimes arguments are inevitable.

But arguments don't have to get ugly as long as people do their best to find the amiable solutions, and respect each other's differences.

Never succumb to jealousy to improve your marriage

2009-12-22T05:04:00.000-08:00

One of the most common problems that married couples encounter is the occasional bout of jealousy. This has been known to start arguments, cause pain and eventually rip two people apart.

As a part of a married couple, you would know whether you have the tendency to be jealous with reasons that are most often not justified enough. You and your partner might be having a lot of arguments over this attitude that you have. Instead of being obsessed with it, you can actually channel this negative feeling and know the deeper reason of why you get jealous.

Here are some tips on how you can improve your marriage by trying to avoid succumbing to jealousy:

1. Get an insight of your inner self.

Ask yourself why you tend to get jealous unreasonably. Does your partner actually show signs that you should not trust him or her?

Trust is the antidote to the traitorous feeling of jealousy. If you trust your partner enough, you should learn not to succumb to the feeling of insecurity or jealousy when your partner tries to befriend a member of the opposite sex.

Ask yourself if it is really worth your time and emotional effort to get jealous for no reason at all.

2. Remember that a small dose of jealousy is actually healthy for a relationship.

As long as it does not amount to obsessive proportions, a little jealousy is actually healthy for your marriage. The feeling of being jealous roots from the desire to preserve your relationship. It also boils down to the feeling of possessiveness towards your partner which is the result of your love for each other.

There is nothing wrong with having this feeling because it is man’s natural instinct to protect his ‘territory’. Just make sure that you know how to do it in a manner that will not be hurtful to you or to your partner. After all, your purpose is to protect your partner and preserve your relationship.

If you keep these goals in mind, you can try to not to curb your jealousy and use it in a more positive way to improve your relationship.

3. Track down the root of these feelings.

The way that you feel is the outcome of a certain situation. Ask yourself why you have a feeling of jealousy. If this feeling actually comes from an insecurity that you have it could be a feeling of shortcoming, that you are lacking in something. Or it could be a result of a deep-seated doubt that you have in about relationship with your partner.

This can also be caused by fear, or a past hurt that you have carried in to adulthood.

There are a lot of sources and endless possibilities of where this emotion may be coming from.

Try to look within yourself and find out the reason for this. Once you have determined the reason, you will have a better understanding of why you have such feelings and learn to deal with it better.

4. Keep in mind that there are other types of jealousy.

You might be jealous because of the possibility that your partner may cheating on you. It could be that you are jealous of the things that your partner has and you do not.

By going to the root of the problem, you can properly address your feelings.

5. Ask yourself about what this feeling does to your partner.

Jealousy has been known to cause breakups and rifts in a relationship.

Think how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of your partner’s jealousy. How would you feel, and how would you react?

By putting yourself in your partner’s shoes, you would learn that this might give him/her a stifling feeling which might later lead to bigger problems.

6. Have a better sense of self to prevent irrational jealousy.

If the root of your feeling stems from a low self-esteem, try to work on changing your attitude and learn to develop a greater feeling of self-worth. This would help you curb the irrational tendencies to be jealous and help heal yourself in the process.

7. Finally, you should learn to take risks.

The feeling of jealousy is also caused by a fear of being disappointed and getting hurt in the process.

In love and in life, you should learn to take risks because that is the only way that you can put yourself out there and really get to be with the one you love.

By mulling over these things, you can learn not to succumb to the feeling of jealousy and have a more stable and love-filled married life.

What you need to sacrifice for a lasting marriage

2009-11-10T22:33:00.000-08:00

Statistics clearly show that half of American marriages often end up in divorce.

According to relationship researchers, almost all couples, happy or not, have comparable number of incompatible differences. Sixty-nine percent of these disagreements are left unresolved.

Often, the selfish behavior of one partner separates them from their spouse. Each divorce is usually the outcome of one’s selfishness in the marriage. One thinks of only satisfying himself; the conveniences, comforts, luxuries and freedom.

Marriage is surrendering totally oneself to another person. The wife submits herself to the husband as the husband, surrenders to his wife; marriage entails a complete surrender, meaning to sacrifice.

Together with considerations comes adaptation and adjustments. If it is already obvious that adjustment have to be made, a spouse must be eager and ready to accomplish anything that is needed.

There will be times in a marriage that spouses should sacrifice something he/she feels important such as a hobby, a job, something that a spouse likes doing, to preserve certain relationship.

To make a marriage to last, it must be guarded and protected. Each spouse has to avoid, limit or give up whatever it is that threatens it.

To others, it can require giving up a loved hobby like golf, bar hopping with friends, or stop communicating with a workmate who is clearly “getting too close.”

Spouses can sacrifice their:

1. Beliefs.
Should both have opposing beliefs, (for example, raising their children) spouses need to discuss matters and understand each other’s point of view. When both really can not agree a compromise is needed the wife might let her husband lead, as long as the husband’s beliefs are for the betterment of their children.

2. Goals.
Married couples should set common goals so both can work as a team.

3. Career.
When career is a threat to one’s family, one should sacrifice it.

4. Priorities.
Remember that in marriage there is no more “I” - entail lot of “we”. Set your priorities straight, your marriage should always come first.

5. Independence.
While there are many husbands and wives who value their independence and their spouses understand, one should always consider and consult the other before a mutual decision is made.

Nobody would acknowledge that they depend on someone for strength and stability. Husbands and wives who change their ways for their spouse may be negatively viewed many who are not familiar with the circumstances.

Love enables husbands and wives to willingly sacrifice to attain a lasting marriage.

Happily Ever After: Just How Do You Get There?

2009-11-10T22:02:00.000-08:00

In the real world, it’s certainly not with a magic wand. But real married life doesn’t necessarily have to be dull and gray either.

A bright and lasting marriage is very possible even after the honeymoon period. What is needed is the willingness to work at it and an even bigger will to keep on working when things get difficult – because as with any marriage, it definitely will.

A healthy marriage is a lot like a healthy body. As your body requires proper feeding, consistent exercise and sufficient rest; so does your marriage need constant reassurance, adequate time together, and steady communication.

Communication to a marriage is a lot like exercise for the body. It is what you do to make sure your relationship is in good shape.

A misconception people have over communication is that it requires words and a schedule to sit down and talk. While it is true that couples need to find time to talk on a regular basis, consistent communication goes beyond simply this.

Communication also involves non-verbal cues such as body language and with how common everyday things are done.

For example, when you see your partner crossing his arms while you’re explaining something, he may not be receptive to what you are saying. Seeing his/her body tense up when you bring up a certain topic may mean that the particular subject is causing him/her stress.

Another example of non-verbal communication is noticing how they do certain everyday things differently. An example would be when the wife is dressed up a bit nicer than usual. She may want to look special for some reason but prefers not to say it outright. When the husband spends more and more time working in the garage than he used to, he may be saying that something is bothering him, which makes him want to spend less time in the house.

Of course the meanings of these actions vary, but it is wise to be aware of them. Use these non-verbal cues as signs that your partner may want to say something, but is reluctant to talk about them for now. And then, when the time is right, be ready to take these non-verbal communications to the next level and talk about it.

As it is with your body where instant results don’t come with a few exercise sessions; the same principle applies to a marriage. Communicating now will not necessarily make everything rosy from here on end, but it will certainly pave the way to a healthy relationship much more smoothly.

Never go to bed angry to improve your marriage

2009-11-10T21:35:00.000-08:00

The Key to a solid marriage - "never go to bed angry", is a cliché that we always hear. This has proven to be very sound advice, and is a motto that many couples live by.

Marriage is the ultimate consummation for two people who are in love. Your wedding is not the "happy ending" to your love story, instead, it is just the beginning of your life together.

For a married couple who is just starting out, petty fights and arguments can not be avoided. The first few years of your marriage will be the test to determine if you can actually “live” with each other’s bad or annoying habits. The strength of your love for each other will serve as the “building block” of the rest of your years together.

During petty fights, it is good to remember that having an argument is natural. You and your spouse are two different people and you can expect your individual personalities to clash.

Here are some ways you and your spouse, as a married couple, can strengthen your bond and improve your marriage:

1. Fight if you need to

This is when the rule mentioned above will apply. As a couple, you will have arguments, disagreements, and conflicts of interest. Even a minor thing like household chores can lead to disagreements.

The key to a ‘healthy’ argument is to get everything out in the open.

Take a look at this example. During a quarrel the husband may be given the ‘cold’ shoulder by his wife. The wife thinks that her spouse is not being sensitive enough when it comes to her needs. He is caught totally unaware, but when he tries to confront the issue head-on his wife gives him the ‘silent treatment’. Eventually, their marriage will crumble because the anger on both sides is not dissipated. The wife was not able to let off ‘steam’ because she kept everything bottled up inside.

In this case, it is better if you bluntly confront the problem. Argue and fight if you need to.

At first, the two of you will be angry enough to confront each other. After you get everything out in the open, sound reasoning will rule and calmness will follow.

After the storm, the two of you should be reasonable enough to listen to each other then come up with a solution and make up. Do not worry, this may not always be the case. Your love for each other and the foundation that the two of you have established since you were married should help patch things up.

Just remember to avoid keeping your feelings all bottled up inside. If you do this, past hurts will return and might eventually cause a huge argument that will be even harder to resolve.

2. Wipe the slate clean once you make up

After the fight, make sure that you both know what started the argument in the first place.

You and your spouse might have entirely different reasons for being angry. Listen to each other and determine what caused the other to hurl accusations or hurtful words. If you are a husband exerting your ‘authority’ over your wife, she should know the way that you feel.

If your spouse was hurt by something that you did not actually mean to do. Try to explain that you would never intentionally do anything to cause her to be hurt or angry. This leads to the basis and foundation of your marriage which is mutual love and respect, and you could eventually patch things up.

3. Do not be afraid to admit if you are wrong

Pride in marriage has a very expensive price to pay. Do not put this pride between you and your spouse. If you are in the wrong, do not be afraid to admit it, then apologize.

Remember that you are together in spite of your individual differences. Go back to what brought you together in the first place and you can never go wrong.

By practicing these things and making it a habit to settle your fights before going to bed, you will have a solid and stable marriage that is based on trust and love.

Make your Spouse Feel Special for Your Marriage to Last

2009-11-10T21:17:00.000-08:00

Love is hemmed in by many marvelous things.

Love in marriage is a voluntary commitment of one’s self. It is a special feeling that no one can ever explain, and yet, it empowers the whole life of a person.

Certainly, if you love someone, you always want to make that special someone feel good about himself or herself. In marriage, it is also important for a person to make his or her spouse feel special in order to create a lasting marriage.

This is crucial if you do not want to be like the two million couples who end up in divorce every year. In fact, surveys show that almost 20% of married couples have the tendency to file for a divorce in the course of their first ten years of marriage.

So what is the problem here?

One of the main reasons is that some married couples have the propensity to have insecurities because they no longer feel the same “royalty treatment” that their partners had previously given them.

The only solution is to make your spouse feel the same love and affection that you have had from the time that you first laid your eyes on him or her. Make him or her fell special once more and keep that love burning so that your marriage will last.

Here is how:

1. Make spouse feel that you love him (or her) because you accept him as what he is, and not because of the things that surrounds him.

2. Never cease or fail to say, “I love you,” and be sincere when saying it.

Almost 20% of the married couples who end up in divorce contend that one of the reasons why they lost the love that they used to have is because they failed to make the other person feel and hear their love for each other.

Love should be more than words but it is still important to hear what you feel for your spouse.

3. Rendering some simple appreciations for the things that your spouse does is important.

The point that your other half knows that every effort that he or she makes is deeply appreciated is more than enough to make him (or her) special.

To be loved and to feel that you are loved are two different things. The first one is truth. The second one is an effective means of making your spouse feel that truth. It is on how one tries to make the other feel special and loved so that their marriage will last.

Tips on How to Save Your Marriage

2009-11-10T20:54:00.000-08:00

In today's world, many couples encounter problems and differences that lead to miserable marriages that often lead to divorce. No one would like to have a broken marriage. The majority still prefers to save the marriage rather than resorting immediately to divorce. Here are some tips that may be considered in saving a marriage:

1. Take action
Take the initiative in doing the things that were usually done when both were still in love and happily married. The wife should try doing those small things that were important to her husband. She could cook a special dinner for the husband, prepare his clothes for tomorrow’s work or even give him small gifts and cards when he would least expect them.

2. Learn to talk
It is hard to keep things to oneself. The spouse may talk to her husband about the things she is feeling regarding their relationship. If the problem is about sex, then the wife should be very open about the subject.

3. Listen to what he says
Open communication does not just involve talking. You must also learn how to listen. The wife should give the husband the chance to talk. If there is a problem that he brings up, then the wife should not be defensive and instead should listen. The things that are brought up should be treated as guides so that the couple will learn how to respect each other's feelings and points of view.

3. Learn to forgive and forget
If saving marriage is important, then the couple should know how to move on. What matters is how much they really want to save the marriage. Do not dwell on the past mistakes, instead learn to forget everything and accept one another. Bringing up the past will not save the marriage. One must learn how to forgive the spouse and forget all the mistakes of the past.

4. Seek advice
It is strongly recommended that you seek advice from a close friend or family member. Getting the advice of a counselor is also helpful. It is recommended that both the husband and wife attend sessions. They may be able to open up and speak freely with the help of a counselor.

These are just a few tips that can help save the marriage. However, these suggestions are useless if the husband and/or wife is not willing to cooperate. Above all, love should always be present to save the relationship. It is love that will make all these things easier to do and will help in saving a marriage that was meant to last forever.

How To Solve Marriage Problems

2009-11-09T19:49:00.000-08:00

'Til death do us part?’
On solving marriage problems

In today’s world, the moment the spark is gone in a marriage, the couple would automatically consider divorce as the best solution. They want to be out of the relationship...fast. But marriage problems could be solved without going to the lawyer and filing for that separation.

Married couples always need a tip or two. So here they are: simple things that could save the marriage from a potential catastrophe.

1. One word: compromise.

A husband and a wife should make things work by both compromising. They must know when to give and when to take. Remember that, for a relationship to grow, both parties must give way to the other.

2. Be positive.

A married couple has to always look at the brighter side. They must remember that they got married because they love each other and that they swore that they would be together until death would take them apart. For every shortcoming of the partner, the other must think of the 10 positive things that would somehow give redemption.

3. Have state-of-the-union talk.

This is important. The married couple could go out for a walk and talk. Both must be sympathetic listeners and should not dismiss each other's sentiments and complaints. They must remember that neither of the two should be rude.

4. Go on a trip.

Second honeymoon, anyone? Maybe what a "tired" married couple needs is just a time off, an escape to a place where love could be rekindled.

5. Solve one problem at a time.

Solve multiple problems by resolving one at a time. Trying to solve things all at once can be overwhelming and cause more disagreement.

6. Pray together.

A married couple might want to consider praying together and allowing some spiritual intervention. This might make things easier.

7. Seek professional help.

Sign up for a marriage retreat or consult a marriage counselor. This is a drastic step - but this would help the couple in the long run.

"I need space," "I don't think the marriage is working out," "Let's just split up," and "Meet my divorce lawyer" -- these statements are harsh and common to couples who are about to say goodbye to a lifetime commitment. While solving marriage problems is never a cinch, the couple must think that it would be more difficult to let go of a relationship that was once greatly revered than to rebuild it. Fight for that love!

If you still have faith in your marriage, do not give up easily. Though saving a marriage is not always easy, with the right approach it is possible even if you are the only one interested. Get a free mini e-course NOW on how to save your marriage.

Solve that Unhappy Marriage Quick

2009-11-09T19:09:00.000-08:00

Marriage is a commitment that is meant to last forever. Two people unite and promise to love each other for the rest of their lives. However, that does not seem true today. Surveys show that the number of married couples who are filing for divorce is getting bigger. Many of them resorted to divorce because they are no longer happy with the marriage.

Could divorce be the one answer to this problem? If the couple is unhappy with the marriage, there are better solutions than divorce procedures. Here are some of them:

1. Treat problems as challenges. There is no perfect marriage. There will always be problems that will arise within the marriage. They may be health related, financial, and even emotional problems. If the husband or wife dwells on these problems, it will only worsen the situation. It will only lead to blaming one another and finding fault with each other.

Problems should be treated as challenges. They are there to make the marriage stronger. The husband and wife should have a positive outlook on these problems, learn to handle them and find solutions instead of letting themselves be consumed with these trials.

2. The couple should learn to understand one another and maintain an open communication. Marriages become unhappy when open communication no longer exists. Open communication is very important so each other’s needs and wants, as well as their feelings are known.

Often married couples tend to be unhappy with the relationship because their partners have become strangers to them. They no longer know one another, which leads to a very unhappy marriage. Communication is a way to know the spouse better and become closer.

3. The couple should find ways to rekindle the spark they once had. There are times that couples become unhappy with the marriage because they no longer appreciate each other’s company. They become focused only on their jobs, friends, children or household issues.

The couple should find ways where they can spend time together. They may want to try new things like traveling, dining out, or go to places where they can spend quality time together. They can do the things they used to do before they got married such as send cards, buy small gifts or send flowers. Reminiscing about happy moments they once shared will help them rekindle the love again.

There are many ways where to solve unhappy marriages. It is very important to have spiritual strength. Couples need to have faith and continue praying for their marriage. Spiritual strength will give them love, patience, understanding, forgiveness and trust which will make them happier as a married couple.

Improving Marriage: Establishing 4 Important Marital Goals

2009-11-09T18:53:00.000-08:00

Many marriages could have been saved all the troubles and hardships by maintaining a healthy relationship the couple started establishing their marital goals early in the relationship. Communication has always been one of the main factors in need to hold a relationship together. Sharing your view on every important aspect in marriage is not only needed but is expected from both of you.

The Family That Prays Together Stays Together.

The phrase above is so cliché, but religion has always been one of the major reasons for disagreements between couples. If the partners are of different faiths – such as protestant and catholic- one or the other may, or may not wish to attend the partner’s church every Sunday. Attending the church of his/her faith is important to them. While this does not seem to be a concern for some couples, it often results in being separated when Sunday arrives, and can result in a major distance between the couple that cannot be easily resolved.

Religion should be discussed early in the relationship. Questions arise like: how often will they go to mass (if catholic); what religion will they be practicing; and if there have children, in which faith will they be raised? How they handle the different religions is crucial. These are basic questions that need to be answered before the couple is married.

Spouse = Best Friend

One’s spouse should always be his/her best friend. It does not mean blocking out other friends from coming into your life but more with taking each other for granted. There should always be constant communication, whether it’s as simple as a gossip that one or the other has heard or as serious as one’s hope and aspirations. Having a lengthy and enjoyable discussion with one’s wife/husband and understanding how they feel is very important in a lasting relationship.

There should also be a set time allowed for just having fun, something to bring back the spark in relationship. It could be as simple as jogging together at the park, or walking the dog together. It could be a romantic date or something special that has been planned in advance. This will bring about strong and healthy relationship.

Money, Money, Money

Money is nearly always the primary problem of any couple. It is not just a case of how to earn money but how should they spend it.

First, how will a couple earn their money? What kind of jobs will they have and what hours will they be working? These are simple questions but will have a big impact on the couple’s life. Another question is will they allow the other to work or is one’s salary enough for the family?

Lastly, how will a couple spend money? Daily needs, such as food, clothes, water and electricity are a given. Those are the necessities one needs to survive. There are, of course, other things to consider. Should couples start saving for their child’s education (if there have children)? How much of their earnings should go into their savings and how much of their savings will they spend for family fun and activities?

Fruit of Love

Children, if there are any, should always be a part of a couple’s goals. It is important to know and to understand each other’s feelings when it comes to parenting. How many children do you want? Is adoption an option if the couple can’t bear a child? Those questions are necessary for a couple to answer before they will be ready for a child.

Other questions couples should ask themselves, include how to discipline a child; should the mother scold the child or should the father be the strict one; will the home be full of rules or should they just let their children learn on their own, with guidance every step of the way?

Another point to consider is how their careers will be affected by having children. Supervision of the children when they are young is another consideration. Should one parent resign their current job and find a higher paying job so that the other could stay home and raise the child properly?

A couple’s marital goals, whether short-term or long-term, are necessary to make sure that they’re going to be on the right track with their marriage. It is not enough that they know for certain that something will happen. They have to be prepared for it and be willing to sacrifice for the marriage to work.

Traits Of Happy Married Couples

2009-11-09T18:38:00.000-08:00

Based on statistics, successful marriages are becoming very rare. In fact, one in every three marriages usually ends up in divorce.

Married couples and experts do agree that the magical yet simple element in all relationships is the constant demonstration of one’s affection.

Researches show that what produces pleasure and contentment in one’s marriage was frequently demonstrating affection.

Happy married couples have reciprocal respect for each other. Respect is shown in the way they regard each other in actions and in words; withholding humiliating words even in an argument.

In marriage, couples give their relationship utmost importance. They enjoy each other’s company and spend quality time together, like dating regularly. This indicates prioritizing their relationship that plants a foundation for their future at such time as when children have to leave home.

Each spouse must learn not to give importance to minor faults and flaws; determine the really important issues and those that are not. They become aware that the purpose or their conflicts war not really to win, but rather to establish a deeper relationship.

Successful marriages are all not alike. But researchers have discovered that there are some traits present in happy married couples that contribute to the success of their marriage.

Traits that of happily married couples include:

1. Spouses in the relationship are giving. They give, not expecting things in return.

2. There is commitment between each of them. They continue to work for their partner’s happiness and are driven to work hard on their marriage.

3. Being strong-minded makes their bond stronger. While they cherish their individuality in expressing their opinions, making decisions and pursuing goals, putting their marital relationship in harmony is their priority.

4. These couples have active sexual lives. Sex plays a significant role in marriage, therefore they always find ways to make it more pleasurable.

5. There is constant communication in their marriage. They are free to share their thoughts and opinions about anything, each one not manipulative of the other but allowing each one to grow.

6. Each one is sensitive to the other’s need.

7. They establish goals together. They agree on their goals as “partners in life”.

Marriage is a commitment for courageous individuals ready to risk their emotions, hard work, and challenges of building a life together.

How to have a good relationship with your spouse

2009-11-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

It has been said often that 50 percent of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. Whether couples choose to believe this astronomical figure or not is another matter, given that this has been subject to debate. But one thing is for sure: there's no denying that divorce is prevalent in this country. This is why it is important for married couples to take steps in preventing this unfortunate end.

Communication is key

One of the things that becomes a source of problems for married couples is lack of communication. This is true especially of men, who are notorious for not expressing their feelings. A lot of arguments can be avoided simply by talking things out. Couples should be open to each other about the problems and difficulties they are encountering. They should start communicating before it reaches a critical point and becomes a full blown fight.

Don't neglect your spouse

Sometimes problems arise when one spouse feels invalidated. When a spouse feels that he or she is not getting enough attention from the other person, or that they are being taken for granted, this starts to take its toll on the relationship. Over time this unspoken problem will manifest itself putting a strain in that relationship.

Married couples need constant reassurance from each other. They should take the time to listen, and talk to each other. In order to have a healthy relationship, husbands and wives should make the effort to meet each other's emotional needs.

Do not wait until small issues become big problems
When a spouse expresses dissatisfaction over something, the other person should take the time to listen and address the problem whether it is the other person's behavior that is bothering them, lack of emotional support, or financial needs.

Issues that arise should not be ignored, because they will not go away! It is best to tackle these problems from the start, so couples can start working on a solution!

Married couples need to work on their marriage.

Entering into marriage is like signing a contract with another person that states that they are going to build a life together. This means that whatever problems and difficulties come along, they both have to tackle and solve them together. Marriage is not a guarantee of a life of bliss. Remember that it is a constant work in progress.

It is important for married couples to get along with each other in order to have a successful marriage. This is why the couple should be willing to compromise and do their best to work out their differences.

How to Prevent a Divorce

2009-11-09T18:05:00.000-08:00

Divorce seems to be the modern trend in relationships today. The whole world seems to have gotten on the bandwagon which is continuously being driven by divorces in show business. The sanctity of marriage is being compromised and it has become a market for divorce-driven entities such as divorce lawyers.

Many people think that getting a divorce is the only way to get out of an unhappy relationship. But as the great philosopher Aristotle has told us, "There is always a third option." For people who think that getting a divorce is equivalent to being happy, think again. A recent study which was headed by Ms. Linda Waite of the University of Chicago revealed that divorced people are not necessarily happier. Another more astounding fact which was revealed by the study is that 2/3 of the people who were unhappy with their marriages eventually said that they were happy in their marriages five years after. Her team also found out that the majority of happily married couples had experienced extended periods of unhappiness in their relationships. The difference is that they stayed with the relationship and found solutions to their problems.

Marriage is intended to bind the souls of two people together. It loses its sanctity in the whole context of divorce. There are more ways than one to avoid divorce. Listed below are some useful tips that one can employ in attempting to save his/her marriage.

Conversation is salvation
Most conflicts elevate to fights because of the lack of communication. Some couples only talk about errands and tasks. Keeping an open line of communication will keep the openness in the marriage and prevent hidden feelings which can spur serious emotional injuries.

No relationship is perfect
The basic principles of economics tell us that whenever we stick with something, we are always missing out on something. Divorces are usually driven by infidelity and third-party incidences. Remember that no relationship is perfect. Trouble between spouses is no excuse for infidelity, rather it should strengthen their relationship

Seek help
If all else fails and you have tried to resolve the problem between the two of you, seek relationship help. There are professional marriage counselors who can help couples get back on the right track. There's no harm in asking for help.

Bear in mind that divorce has its repercussions, including huge financial setbacks. More importantly, it desecrates marriage and fully ends relationships. In the end, if there's more than enough love to go around inside a home, divorce will never be a reality.

How To Avoid Marriage Conflicts

2009-11-06T04:00:00.000-08:00

No matter how happy a married couple looks like, their marriage is not without occasional conflicts. Having conflicts in marriage life is normal. It is brought about by the natural differences of the couple. However, if the gravity and frequency of conflicts inside a marriage keeps on elevating to new heights, the risk of destroying the marriage is always there.

Keeping a healthy marriage is the key towards avoiding marital conflicts. Listed below are some advices which apply to different situations related to conflict resolutions inside marriage.

Mind the person, not the differences
Most often than not, serious marriage conflicts are related to smaller things that add up and eventually burst. Marriage entails that the spouses love each other for who they are and small annoying things should be taken for granted. Understanding each other especially with little things will help strengthen the relationship and give a general sense of belongingness to both the spouses.

Do not compare
It is never a good idea to compare your spouse with the spouse of others, even if it is intended for fun. The grass ain't greener on the other side of the fence. There's good and bad in all people, but the problem is that people tend to see the bad traits in their spouses. Marriage means belongingness and spouses should make their partners feel that they belong together.

Stay in love
Entering in marriage does not mean the end of fun. Couples tend to be more serious when they enter in marriage, thus, leaving out all the passion and the fun. Keeping the feeling of being in love is the main foundation of a successful marriage.

However happy a couple is inside a marriage, there will come a time when they will face conflicts. But being in conflict with each other is not the end of it all. Here are some more useful advices in dealing with conflicts in marriage.

Control instincts
People tend to resort to anger, hatred and disrespect when confronting their partners. Remember that conflict resolution does not necessarily have to entail violence and hurt. Talking with an open heart and an unclouded mind will really help resolve the conflict.

Reaffirm one another
Couples should reaffirm their willingness to resolve the conflict by saying in their own words what the other one is saying and act according to the resolutions which were made.

Differences do not necessarily have to end in conflicts and conflicts do not necessarily have to end in a cold and heartless marriage. Always find love in marriage and everything will fall in place.

If you still have faith in your marriage, do not give up easily. Though saving a marriage is not always easy, with the right approach it is possible even if you are the only one interested. Get a free mini e-course NOW on how to save your marriage.

Being Merry in Marriage

2009-11-06T03:37:00.000-08:00

Many couples enter marriage with fairytale hopes "and they live happily ever after" fantasy. But in reality, it takes so much more than a stylish wedding dress and an expensive wedding ring to end up “happily ever after”.

A fulfilled marriage requires both effort and passion pf each partner. Many couples start to lose passion after their honeymoon, and this should not be the case. Here is some advice on how to stay happy in the sacred union of souls.

1. Don't rely on assumptions and expectations
There is nothing wrong with making assumptions and expectations, however, bear in mind that many times, assumptions stay as assumptions and expectations are hard to meet. Remember that marriage is the acceptance of a person for who he/she is. Marriages are decayed by hurt brought about by lofty expectations. There's nothing wrong with cutting each other some slack whenever expectations are not met.

2. Express yourself
There's nothing wrong in saying "I love you." People go about their daily lives without noticing how seldom they say "I love you" to the persons they love. When people are young, they wait for a long time to say these three words to someone. Do not hesitate to use the three little words “I love you!”.

Asking for forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to do. Saying "I'm sorry" is often as seldom said as "I love you." Saying sorry relieves tension for both parties and keeps the communication line open and unclouded by resentment or hatred.

Giving a compliment to your partner every day would brighten your relationship and give it an overall positive feeling. A simple "you look wonderful, honey" would really mean a lot.

3. Keep the fire burning
No one will argue that an active sex life will help keep a happy marriage. When couples openly talk about preferences and dislikes, it helps them bond in making love. Being a little playful and creative in love making may also make a difference.

4. Don't forget yourself
A person cannot love another if he/she cannot love himself/herself. Self-pampering and spending time alone once in a while is a healthy practice inside a relationship. Having time for oneself gives a person a chance to reflect and think of ways to be better inside the relationship.

Being happy in marriage takes effort from the couple but it should not be stripped of its fun. As the song goes, "and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." Be merry in marriage!

If you still have faith in your marriage, do not give up easily. Though saving a marriage is not always easy, with the right approach it is possible even if you are the only one interested. Get a free mini e-course NOW on how to save your marriage.

Saving A Marriage: Tips You Can Use To Stop Divorce

2009-10-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

Nobody said marriage is ever going to be easy. If someone tells you so, they are lying.

In fact, it is perfectly normal to have disagreements and arguments in a marriage. These are the challenges in married life. You should know that no two persons that think and act in exactly the same way. Even married couples cannot read the mind of their partners. Therefore, communication is very important for couples to overcome challenges in saving a marriage from divorce.

"What can I do in saving a marriage if my partner doesn't seem to be willing to help out?" Does this sound familiar to you? You wanted to work things out, but your partner is reluctant to do so. This makes the whole situation worse and your relationship deteriorates.

It is definitely not easy especially when saving a marriage alone, but it is never impossible. You need to have the right approach. When saving a marriage alone, you need to put in double efforts. You will need to learn some effective techniques to make your partner to fall in love with you again.

Stop the crying, yelling and begging; these only help to push your partner further away from you instead of coming back to you. Stay calm and get to the bottom of the problems. Find out what causes your marriage to fail.

Talk to someone you trust who can give you unbiased comment. Let him / her analyzes your situation. Third party can often offer clearer picture of what has gone wrong. Don't blame yourself or your partner regardless who is at fault. The reason why you are reading this is that you want to saving your marriage, not to pointing finger. Saving a marriage is your top priority now.

Communication breakdown is often the killer in any marriage. Over 2 million couples divorce every year, and many could have been avoided if those couples know how to communicate effectively. Learn to be a good listener. Listening is an effective way to improve communication between couples.

If you are still struggling in saving your marriage and divorce is the least that you want your marriage to end up with. I recommend that you take a look at Amy Waterman's Save My Marriage Today.

Amy has put together a course that shows couples how to break the ice and ways to interact and improve their failing relationship. If your marriage is in crisis, or on the verge of divorce, you need to have the best information now to learn what it takes in saving a marriage.

Amy makes it easy for you to identify things that could jeopardize your marriage and how you can avoid them. While she can't work miracle and save every marriage, if you are serious about saving your marriage and making your love endure, you should take advantage of what Amy has to offer and maximize your chance towards better and stronger relationship.

The techniques she used have been proven to help saving thousands of marriages. In Save My Marriage Today course, you will discover:

Tips about saving a marriage, even when your partner doesn't want to

How to reintroduce passion that once existed

How to survive an affair and repair your marriage

Gestures that are more important than words

How to make your partner to fall in love with you again

And much more...

If you are serious about saving your marriage, I urge you to CLICK HERE NOW! Do something today to save your marriage before it is too late! Learn and apply the proven techniques from Amy to get your marriage back on track.